Brett Goldstein Is Your Ultimate F**king Valentine’s Day Crush

The year is 2023. Chris Evans is People‘s most recently crowned Sexiest Man Alive. Channing Tatum just returned to the stage for Magic Mike’s Last Dance. Ashton Kutcher is once again a rom-com lead. Michael B. Jordan and Jonathan Majors are duking it out in Creed III. Paul Mescal is possibly single. Timothée Chalamet is brooding in mysterious Apple TV+ ads. And Pedro Pascal is steaming up our screens on a weekly basis.

There’s no shortage of Hollywood heartthrobs to admire in this cultural moment, but I’m here to argue that the ultimate Valentine’s Day crush isn’t any of those hotties. It’s Brett Fucking Goldstein.

At first glance, you may think the 42-year-old British actor — who notably shot to stardom in 2020 as Ted Lasso‘s “brunette Oscar the Grouch” footballer-turned-coach Roy Kent — is just another talented, easy on the eyes performer. But Goldstein’s crush-worthiness extends far beyond our screens.

He’s a writer. He’s a producer. He’s a comedian. He hosts his own podcast with his sexy voice. He co-created the AMC anthology series Soulmates as well as Apple TV+’s Shrinking. He wins Emmy awards and swears in his acceptance speeches. And he’s a proud fan of therapy, Grease 2, and The Muppets. Who could ask for anything more? Goldstein is fresh off the Shrinking press tour. Ted Lasso is returning in a month. And to top it all off, he’s in Harley Quinn.

Goldstein has played his fair share of swoonworthy characters over the years, but when the creators of Harley Quinn on HBO Max were looking for the perfect dreamboat to cast in their delightfully raunchy Valentine’s Day special, they knew they wanted the Ted Lasso writer and star to cameo as…his abundantly sexy self.

“Kaley Cuoco, voice of Harley Quinn and executive producer, suggested him when we were looking for a heartthrob,” co-creators Justin Halpern and Patrick Schumacker told Decider. “Brett, when he came to the recording session, humbly assumed we wanted to characterize him in the special as more of a gruff Roy Kent type, but we wanted to hear Brett Goldstein the human man.” 

Harley Quinn: A Very Problematic Valentine’s Day Special finds Goldstein — the object of Bane’s (James Adomian) affection — headlining the romantic holiday in a shirtless one-man show. He takes the stage in a sold-out Gotham Stadium to flaunt a wealth of chest hair, give a sultry reading of select Lord Byron works, and polish one of his many trophies. “We wanted the show to be a bald-faced ploy to put horny butts in seats, and felt like this was the perfect storm. It worked. A lot of people showed up,” Halpern and Schumacker recalled.

Though Goldstein’s IMDb credits date back to 2003 and he gained attention in 2015 for writing and starring in SuperBob as the adorably awkward superhero Robert Kenner, the Harley Quinn team knew a bulk of Goldstein’s fans discovered him through Ted Lasso, so they wanted to slip in a few Easter eggs.

Roy Kent’s initial appeal lies in his tough exterior and penchant for swearing, but as Ted Lasso progresses and he becomes vulnerable with Keeley (Juno Temple), Ted (Jason Sudeikis), and Jamie (Phil Dunster); expresses unconditional adoration for his niece Phoebe (Elodie Blomfield); and makes a grand rom-com gesture to show his love of the game, viewers realize the crush is largely fueled by the careful complexity and enormous heart that Goldstein brings to the character. He releases Roy’s pent up passion in pieces, reaching a pinnacle of sex appeal when he tells Rebecca (Hannah Waddingham), “You deserve someone who makes you feel like you’ve been struck by fucking lightning! Don’t you dare settle for fine!”

The Harley Quinn holiday special — which, again, is so salacious you need to see it to believe (and fully appreciate) it — features a scene in which Bane shouts, “BRETT GOLDSTEIN, YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKED BY LIGHTNING.” The vulgar line simultaneously serves as a hilarious callback to one of Ted Lasso‘s hottest scenes, and a reminder of Goldstein’s charm.

Physically, Goldstein is a specimen so remarkable that some are still convinced Roy Kent is CGI. The actor’s unshaven chest is celebrated in the Apple TV+ series, and more recently in his surprise Thor: Love and Thunder cameo as Hercules. Though Halpern and Schumacker assure us the shirtless Valentine’s Day scenes were written before they knew about the MCU appearance, which further illustrates that Goldstein is in high-demand as a stud with serious star power.

So how did Goldstein become such a beloved, distinct celebrity crush? According to Harley Quinn‘s creators, “Brett’s rare combination of intellect, raw, animal magnetism and mantel full of BAFTAs makes him the perfect Valentines Day crush.” For Bane, it’s his “South London accent that says he’s not afraid of hard labor in the workplace.” And for many fans, it’s his personality; his ability to find balance between wholesome and edgy; and his breadth of writing, acting, comedy, podcast episodes, and various Muppets-related projects that force us to feel the full spectrum of emotions.

When asked what Goldstein thinks of his recent rise to Hollywood heartthrob status, Halpern and Schumacker said, “It’s very different than Alan Tudyk and Diedrich Bader, who usually enter the recording booth by yelling ‘Who ordered the super hunks with an extra side of beef?’ and then proceed to compete in feats of strength until we tell them that they’re both equally attractive and they reluctantly get to work. Those guys!” The Harley Quinn co-creators describe their time working with Goldstein as “an absolute delight,” but admit they “don’t know that he’s fully embraced his Hollywood heartthrob status. He seems a bit bashful about it.” The humility, of course, only makes him hotter. Ugh!