Fun
Frisky
Nostalgic
Intense
Adventurous
Choked Up
Curious
Romantic
Weird
EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was originally published in 2019, but we have republished it in honor of Suits becoming a phenomenon all over again with the show’s arrival on Netflix. Enjoy the ride.
Now that I’ve reached a certain age, I’m often asked, “Josh, when are ya gonna have a kid?” When met with that particular inquiry, I place my antique smoking pipe on my marble nesting table and respond, “I have many children: The lyrical prose of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow; a meditative rumination from Bob Frost; and last but not least, the hit USA legal thriller Suits.“
This statement is usually met with wonder, mostly because I referred to famed poet Robert Frost as “Bob.”
For the uninitiated, Suits, a legal drama about a bunch of hot lawyers repeatedly breaking the law, occasionally having sex with one another, and almost always drinking at work, is about to enter its ninth and final season. Premiering way back in 2011, I can’t quite recall my life PTS (prior to Suits). The series has introduced copious amounts of genuine joy into my life, so much so that I will openly defend Suits against anyone who dares to impugn the unassailable razzle-dazzle the show has to offer. Is Suits a runaway train of lunacy? Sure. A sartorial jaunt that treats the venerable principals of the legal system like a bacchanalian square dance at the local YMCA? Absolutely. But it’s my runaway train — my bacchanalian square dance — and I will defend its honor until the day I die… or until I run out of new, admittedly strange ways to write about the show, whichever comes first. While researching the final season, I stumbled upon a surprising piece of television trivia: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has never appeared on a single episode of Suits.
I know. My mind was blown too. Not only that, The Rock has never, not even once, tweeted about the series! It’s not only possible but probable that The Rock has never seen an episode of Suits. Is this the kind of world we want to live in? No. No, it’s not.
According to the website Bingeclock, it would take a little over five days to stream all eight seasons of Suits. Should The Rock take a break from being the highest-paid actor in the history of Forbes’ Celebrity 100 to binge all eight seasons of Suits? Yes. Absolutely. 100%. But The Rock’s a busy dude. San Andreas sequels don’t just fall out of the sky, ya know? Plus, the final season premieres tomorrow night, so time is of the essence! Something had to be done and it was up to me to right this wrong.
Over the past month and a half, I’ve been tweeting The Rock unsolicited recaps of the first eight seasons of Suits. Why? Great question, and one that’s been asked by literally every single person I’ve talked to about this article. The way I see it, if The Rock is all caught up on Suits, his life will be immensely improved. Plus, these tweets might be helpful to Suits fans who are just now watching the show on Netflix.
What happened during the first eight seasons of Suits? Here’s the recap I shared with The Rock.
Season 1
Did The Rock respond to my unsolicited recap of Suits Season 1? No. But more importantly, he didn’t block me. I took this act of charity as a tacit declaration of intrigue.
The Rock, much like the 3.47 to 4.64 million viewers who tuned in to watch the first season of Suits on USA, was clearly captivated by this festive legal series that GQ UK once referred to as a “soap opera with hot actors and a decent locations budget.”
Seasons 2 & 3
Season 4
The above photo is Abigail Spencer’s character Scottie giving Michael Phelps a sassy little number I like to call the business. I love it. You may rule the pool, Phelpsy, but on dry land, you’re just a former Subway sandwich spokesperson with killer abs.
Anyway, here’s more of The Rock blatantly ignoring my Suits recap. At one point I say “director” instead of “directorial,” but I’m sure The Rock got the gist.
Season 5
Say what you will about Suits, but the show’s consistent. Each season, every character takes a turn brazenly breaking the law. First they’ll claim that they “had no choice,” saying something like, “You’re damn right I did it! And, honestly, I’m kind of a hero for doing it.”
Then somebody will interject and be all, “Dammit! This time you’ve gone too far!” And someone else will be like, “They had to do it, dammit! If they didn’t do it, we’d all be in jail!” Then a recurring guest star will interrupt and say, “Hey, idiots. Not for nothing, but everyone at this firm should already be in jail,” or something to that effect. This person is either outright ignored or told to shut the fuck up. Eventually, the problem is resolved by somebody else taking the blame, the firm implementing yet another illicit plan to fix their first illegal idea, or someone “cashing in a favor.”
When Suits rides off into that great legally ambiguous courtroom in the sky, the word “dammit” should be retired from TV in its honor.
Season 6
Also in Season 6: Jessica decides to leave the firm to pursue other endeavors (most notably a spinoff series titled Pearson).
Seasons 7 & 8
Congratulations! You’re now caught up on Seasons 1-8 of Suits! I’ll update this article if (and let’s be honest… when) The Rock decides to follow me on Twitter.
UPDATE: It’s not a follow, but I’ll take it!
Also, I don’t actually own a marble nesting table. I just thought “marble nesting table” sounded more dignified than “normal end table made from some type of wood.”
