I haven’t been happy in my relationship for a while now and I’m pretty sure I want to break up with my girlfriend. We argue all the time and so many of our interactions now end in her nagging me, criticising me, or biting my head off. I don’t think she knows I’m at breaking point but I don’t think she would take me seriously even if I told her I was. I just don’t see a future with her anymore.
I agreed to spend Christmas Day with her and her family months ago because I know how much the festive period means to her – she lost her dad earlier this year, and she’s taken it pretty hard. Over the past year I’ve spent a lot of time with her family because of her dad’s passing (for the record, I really love them) and her mum refers to me as her “future son”, telling me how lucky my girlfriend is to have me. I’m in her family WhatsApp chat where everyone is discussing the family holidays “we” are all going on next summer. I feel so guilty because I know we won’t be together this time next year.
Do you have advice for how I can hold it together? Or should I just change my Christmas Day plans? What should I do?
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Firstly, I want to offer you some reassurance that there is a lot of love in your letter and the discomfort that you are feeling towards Christmas is testament to your kindness.
You haven’t communicated your feelings or needs to your girlfriend, and you suspect she won’t take the fact you’re close to breaking point seriously. But in reality, you have no idea if that inkling’s true or not. It’s only through talking and listening that you have a chance of feeling like you’re both on the same side.
I wonder if your girlfriend, deep in grief, is taking her pain out on you as the closest person to her. Grief involves many emotions, and one of those is anger. The nagging, criticising and biting your head off might be how this ball of pain and loss inside her is being expressed at the moment. Has anyone you’ve loved died? It might be that she feels abandoned by her father – and is unconsciously pushing you away so you can prove you’re not going to leave her, too.
Your girlfriend’s father’s death has accelerated your relationship from young love to the realities of an established adult relationship where people age, get ill and die; emotions, behaviour and hormones change – and love, if true, is the way through. I have no doubt you used to love your girlfriend – perhaps you still do. She probably still loves you. An important question to ask yourself is whether, if you could have your relationship back from before your girlfriend’s dad died, you would still want to leave, or whether you’d want to stay in your committed relationship?
The first thing to do is to start communicating with each other. Before Christmas – as soon as possible – ask your girlfriend how she is. How is she experiencing her grief over this time? If she’s feeling lost in uncontrollable emotion, is there anything you could do to support her as she finds herself again? What are her feelings towards Christmas this year, a time she usually loves, when there’s going to be one empty place at the table?
Listen to her feelings. Make sure you understand by reflecting back to her what she’s said, so she feels heard and she can clarify anything she’s not explained or you’ve misinterpreted.
Next, tell her how you feel. How you’ve cared for each other over the years and your current needs. I’d recommend avoiding blame which will encourage her to remain open rather than get into a defensive headspace. Explain to her how you feel when she’s critical, or nags and bites your head, whether that’s confused, upset, guilty, or sad.
Express your need, for respect, so you feel safe and valued. End the conversation with a request, such as: “Would you be willing to tell me your feelings regularly so we can work this through together for our relationship?”
If she’s feeling angry with grief, it’s important she doesn’t feel she needs to suppress this – feeling it is crucial – but you can chat together about how this can come out safely and how hard you are finding it to make sense of your thoughts and hold yourself together emotionally. You might want to chat to her about the possibility of seeing a therapist to support her through her grief, so she can speak it out to someone who is not part of her daily life.
When you’re considering whether there’s a future for your relationship, it’s important to be aware that future partners, yourself and your loved ones will ultimately, at some point, suffer. It might be tempting to run from suffering, but you also have the choice to meet it and the emotions it brings up in you and others.
Real life doesn’t need fixing: it needs an open heart and the ability to respond with love rather than fear. How does your family respond to grief and uncomfortable emotions? Has anyone modelled being present with other people’s emotions, letting them feel messy feelings, without judging or advising? It can be an instinct to try to fix, rather than to simply be there.
If you know it’s time for this relationship to end, then I wonder whether you are trying to make it as smooth and drama-free for yourself as possible, avoiding broken hearts and messy feelings. What is your relationship with guilt? I want to make clear that ending a relationship with no future might feel incredibly sad, but you are acting honorably and don’t need to feel guilty.
As for Christmas Day itself, my advice is that you show up, show care, ask questions and bare your soul. You don’t need to try to hold it together, but I think at this late stage it is kinder to be present and support your girlfriend, whatever the future of your relationship holds. If you changed your plans now, your girlfriend’s family would feel as if two loved people were missing.
Once you’re through the festivities, I’d recommend you keep communicating as you decide whether there might be any future in your relationship. Long-term, loving relationships have rough times, often when one or both partners are suffering in some way. I’m not suggesting that you either stay together or break up – you need to follow your heart – but please make sure that your decision for leaving is because your girlfriend and you have fallen out of love, rather than because your girlfriend’s lost in grief.
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Liz Truss needs to take her own advice, and cease and desist