Even people who have never hosted a party in their life want to host a party at Christmas. There is something about parties in December that are extra thrilling. Everything is brighter, more sparkly, and there is a devil-may-care, end-of-term feeling.
When I was young, I thought I wanted to throw lots of parties. I quickly found out that I don’t enjoy hosting because I am extremely controlling and neurotic. I also get panicky and anxious that guests are never going to leave. Over the years I still forced myself to host many parties because I thought that if I did it enough, my personality defects would vanish. They did not.
So these days, I simply don’t throw parties. I have people round for dinner perhaps twice a year, and spend the rest of the time recovering.
But, because hosting doesn’t come naturally to me, I have built up a list of foolproof party tips. Even if you are hating every second of your own party, if you check off all these points you can know that you’ve got the basics covered and given yourself a fighting chance of making it through in one piece.
No one will RSVP
…so don’t bother trying to make them. Unless you are hosting a sit-down dinner, most people feel entitled to decide on the day. Beware those that RSVP yes very quickly – they’re the ones most likely to bail.
About 15 per cent of guests won’t show up, no matter what. Issue your invitations and then a reminder one week before, including what you expect them to bring (do ask, people want to contribute).
On the day, send another reminder with time and address. Brace yourself for the heartsink slew of “sorry can’t make-its” one hour before kick-off. It’s such a downer: why do people do this? Note to guests: unless you are BFF with the host, it is better to just not show up and apologise the next day.
Decorations don’t matter
The key thing is the lighting, it needs to be low and flattering. The big light is a massive buzzkill: old people will feel ugly, young people will feel exposed.
Multiple strings of fairy lights draped any which way always say “Christmas” to me. Candles create the most perfect light, but only use them if there is absolutely no way they can cause damage (I once set fire to my sleeve at my own party).
If you insist on buying something, get a bulk of eucalyptus and stuff it in every vase you own.
Music is absolutely essential, particularly in those early awkward moments of a party when everyone is a bit freaked out. I’m always amazed at how many people don’t do this. It doesn’t really matter what the music is, just make sure the playlist is very long so that you can put it on and forget about it. Having said that, I once accidentally set the same Christmas carol to play over and over in a loop and no-one noticed for an hour.
Don’t bother with cocktails or fussy canapes
When it comes to booze, have an unlimited supply but a limited choice. No-one will mind and, in fact, people get option paralysis if you offer them everything from Guinness to a Piña Colada. A surprising number of people, particularly men, want to drink beer at parties. Women tend to want fizz or white wine. Lay on Lucky Saint for non-drinkers.
Don’t bother with cocktails unless there is one person at the party who can make the cocktails and do nothing else. Cook up a batch of mulled wine if you absolutely must but it won’t be as popular as you think and someone will spill it everywhere.
Put a stack of paper cups everywhere so you’re not asked every 10 seconds for a clean glass.
The same principle applies to food. Pick a few things to serve, (cheese, ham, crackers?), and go large with all of them. Lay out a wheel of cheese, a giant ham, a basket of crackers, three pats of butter, pots of chutney and every single knife and plate that you own.
Bring out a towering pyramid of mince pies at about 9.30pm. Don’t serve anything you have to heat up mid-party because you will get distracted and it will burn. For god’s sake do not buy those supermarket trays of canapes.
Allow guests to sneak out quietly
Never put coats away yourself when guests arrive, just point to where they should go. That way when guests are leaving they don’t have to ask you where their coat is. They may want to sneak out quietly and you won’t want to be interrupted just as you are finally having an interesting conversation, on the brink of a nervo, or being sick.
Christmas parties always get unbearably hot, because there are so many people packed into a limited space, all wearing sweaters. Make sure any radiators in party rooms are off. Trust me.
You will go through a lot of loo roll, so put extra in the bathroom. A candle in the bathroom (again, somewhere safe) is also a must.
You’re not responsible for their happiness
Even the nicest people, when drunk, behave like complete animals. Your house will be trashed, so brace yourself. Make sure you have kitchen roll to hand for spillages, as well as extra rubbish and recycling bags. Yes, hiring a cleaner to help the next day is a great idea.
Last thing, but in some ways the most important. There is no way to guarantee that everyone will enjoy your party. If, like me, you don’t love hosting, it’s probably because you’re an empath and can’t bear the responsibility of ensuring the happiness of others. But this is impossible! I’ve seen people leave the most lavish parties at 9pm because they’re just not feeling it. Some will love your party, some won’t and it’s all completely out of your control. All you can do is provide the quality ingredients for a party: what your guests make of it all is up to them.
