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I’m 45 and I still send my parents a Christmas list

The majority of UK Christmas shoppers buy gifts for 6-10 people each year and spend around £40 per person. But some adult children are slightly more demanding

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At 44, Paulomi Debnath, right, still loves being treated like the youngest sibling at Christmas. Polly Arrowsmith, left, 57, says her family get annoyed by her unsolicited Christmas list
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At what age is it no longer acceptable to send a Christmas list? 18? 21? What about 45?

According to a 2023 survey, the majority of Christmas shoppers in the UK buy gifts for six to 10 people each year and spend an average of £30-£50 per person. But there are some adult children who expect slightly more.

Lauren, 28, from east London, asks for items worth upwards of £500. One year, she asked for a £400 Dyson Air Wrap. “I feel like such a princess when I write my list,” she says. “As I have got older, I have started asking for more practical presents. Like this year, I have asked for decent knives. They’re over £100. I am also asking for a cashmere jumper and some gold hooped earrings. I have asked them to be pricey so they aren’t cheap ones that will turn my ears green.”

Lauren has a full-time job, but she doesn’t feel bad about asking her parents for expensive presents. “I think parents probably enjoy spoiling their adult kids. It’s the one time of year they can do it. It’s like we are kids again. I think they secretly like having that children-parent dynamic return,” she says.

“I always get pretty spoilt. I will probably still be sending a list when I’m 45”. The year she turned 26, Lauren took the list too far. “I remember I asked for an Apple Mac laptop. I could tell they were annoyed that time. They didn’t give me it.”

Paulomi Debnath, founder of Handmade by Tinn, is 44 and still sends her mother a list. “I love being, and staying, the youngest in the family. Both my mum and my older sister love to pamper me. I love being ‘not an adult’ with these two in the whole world,” she says. “It is also keeping the child alive in me. Every year they always send me something special.”

Una, from Carlisle, is a mum of two adult children. She has been the recipient of long gift lists for many years. “My daughter is 20, and she makes her Christmas list on Canva [a graphic design platform] with hyperlinks,” says Una. “She doesn’t ask for mega expensive stuff, I think it’s a maximum of £40 per item and about 10 items. And then she asks for me and her stepmum to pick between us.”

The list might seem demanding to some, but Una doesn’t mind. “It stops me from buying things that will never get used.”

Sending lists into adulthood is more common than you might think. This year, Nikki, 39, has asked her parents for a Hair Sparkles gift voucher, Hair Sparkle Professional Tinsel Tech Training (worth over £300), a spa gift voucher, some Croc charms, a pair of Skechers trainers, and some John Lewis crystal champagne flutes.

More often than not, she receives everything on her list. To her family, a Christmas list is essential. “My parents ask me and my husband for a list every year,” she says. “They never know what to buy so always ask for a list with a range of price points. Between all the family, most things usually get purchased or else money/a voucher is gifted to go towards it.”

But some adult’s Christmas lists are unsolicited. “My dad is in his mid-70s and sends us a list via email,” says Tess, 46. “The list is usually sent quite early and emailed to me, my mum and my brother. It usually has quite pricey things or really technical abstract things to do with his cycling hobby so we don’t really know what they are. So we then all email each other to club together or pick something to buy.”

Polly Arrowsmith’s family get annoyed by her unsolicited Christmas list. “I always do a list for my sister, partner and dad,” says Arrowsmith, 57. “But I get so much stick for it. When I was a lot younger, I was not great at receiving something I did not like. The joke is that they dare not buy anything not on the list. But I make it easy by giving website links and being very specific. I think that is a good thing. I would prefer that they save their money than buy me something I don’t like.”

Arrowsmith is dedicated in return. “I always keep a list throughout the year for my family, listening out for things they want. I knew my sister wanted a Pucci cape at £1.5k. It was completely sold out. But I sourced one for her.”

Relationship expert and psychotherapist Susie Masterson believes we should be careful when it comes to being transactional around gift-giving. “A meaningful gift doesn’t just come from a list – it comes from understanding the other person’s needs, interests, and feelings,” she says. “When gifts are ‘prescribed’ they can feel more transactional than personal, which can stifle genuine emotional connection.”

The act of gift-giving should reflect generosity. “Generosity in terms of thinking of someone else’s wants, needs, and passions – rather than in monetary terms. When gifts are requested or demanded, it can subtly shift the focus away from generosity of spirit to a more transactional, ‘this is what I want’ approach,” she says. This can cause problems.

“It can be quite a passive approach. Thinking of surprises is a form of continued commitment – it says that we are still seeing and hearing each other.”

For some parents though, it’s just easier. Lisa Talbot, from Berkshire, is a mother of three and is a big fan of the list. She encourages her children to start writing one from mid-November. “We feel it is better to buy what our sons and daughter are looking for rather than spending money on items that they don’t want or will never use. It’s a false economy,” she says.

“Last year my daughter, who is 19, got shampoo, toiletries, make-up brushes, hair curlers, items for her horse, clothes, gift vouchers. We love the fact our children create the lists. As a family, we have always had one present of a higher value which tends to be given once all the other presents have been given out.”

A Christmas list might not be in the spirit of the season, but list senders across the nation would argue that it’s better to seem bratty than waste money. “Neither of my kids is materialistic but by sending a long list, my daughter gets what she wants without knowing exactly what she is getting,” says Ursh. “The amount of gifts that end up unwanted is unreal.”

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