Last week, authorities finally nailed one of the world’s most wanted men – the monster accused of crimes against humanity. Yes, after eluding justice for years, the sicko who managed to change his appearance so drastically that his captors barely recognized him as the man who was once one of the most recognizable and powerful in the world was finally in the hands of the law.
Saddam? Saddam who? No – I’m talking about Michael Jackson.
Saddam, is so – what? – so last year!
Jackson was charged with seven counts of sexually molesting a 13-year-old cancer victim and two counts of boozing it up with the kid. Even parish priests didn’t stoop so low as to share their wine with minors.
Speaking of things religious, Christmas came early this year for both the Jehovah’s Witnesses (the religion of Jackson’s childhood) and the Scientologists (the religion of his ex-wife) when it was reported that Jackson had decided to give the Nation of Islam a turn. Jackson’s brother Jermaine, whose career now consists mainly of getting his mug on the tube every time his younger brother is accused of sexually molesting a kid (which gives him quite a career, when you think about it), flat out denied it.
Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, on the other hand, seems to have been struck silent for the first time in 70 years. Clearly Jackson’s usual look just won’t work with the Nation’s usual look. Style-wise, the combo of full hair and makeup with suit jackets and bow ties just works better with Liza Minnelli dance numbers than with major religious conversions.
Meanwhile, Jacko’s defense attorney, Mark Geragos, took time out from scheming, er, planning the defense for accused wife-and-baby killer/fertilizer salesman Scott Peterson to deny that his other client had converted either to Muslim orJohnnie Cochran. “They played the race card,” he said. Who knew this was a game?
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
Spider holes have a way of changing a guy. In this case, Saddam stayed underground so long that he tragically morphed into the demon twin of Fidel Castro. Maybe it’s in the genes, or maybe it’s just that if dictators live long enough, they all turn into Castro clones. But, seriously, if you were a dictator trying to avoid capture by Americans, wouldn’t you figure that disguising yourself as Castro would be a losing proposition? Hey Saddam – next time hire a stylist, you fashion loser! It doesn’t take a genius to know that a nice guerrilla, er, gorilla mask, like a good Chanel suit, is appropriate in every situation.
LOCK UP THE JUDGE
Talk about a hinky Hinckley horror.
Last week, a judge ruled that John Hinckley, the man who shot President Ronald Reagan, will be allowed to leave the grounds of St. Elizabeth’s loony bin (where he’s been living since 1982, when he was acquitted of attempted murder by reason of insanity) for unsupervised visits with his family.
Too bad he won’t be home for Christmas! Excuse me? The man attempted to assassinate the president of the United States and then went on to date a woman in the hospital who’d murdered her child!
Maybe the judge, Paul Friedman, should take Hinckley’s place – for reasons of inanity. Talk about the inmates running the asylum.
What next? How about releasing Squeaky Fromme, the Charles Manson acolyte/nut job/self-proclaimed witch who tried to kill President Gerald Ford? The poor thing has to resort to hawking her personal embroidery on – yes – her Web site.
And then there’s Sirhan Sirhan rotting away in jail just for assassinating Sen. Robert Kennedy. Is that fair? Why can’t Sirhan be released on his own recognizance if he promises, really promises, never to assassinate a U.S. senator again?
IT’S THE STUPID LIFE . . .
Tragically, last week nearly 1 million more viewers tuned in on Tuesday night to watch Paris and Nicole get their butts kissed on “The Simple Life” than tuned in to see Dubya crowing about how we kicked Saddam‘s butt.
Even though the prez even went so far as to declare that he’d like to see the Butcher of Baghdad have a shorter life span than, say, your average Texas death row prisoner, it did nothing to boost viewership.
The lesson? If the Democrats really want to take back the presidency and get those always-important 18- to 49-year-old males back to the polls – they need to put a blonde on the ballot! Preferably one with a checkered sexual history that includes at least one scary video that would embarrass any normal woman. In other words, more Hilton, less Hillary.