ABC’s legal analyst Dan Abrams has done his first book: “Man Down: Proof Beyond a Reasonable Doubt That Women Are Better Cops, Drivers, Gamblers, Spies, World Leaders, Beer Tasters, Hedge Fund Managers, and Just About Everything Else.”
And that’s just the title. The volume itself isn’t as long.
So what makes him expert at women? Is he married?
“No.”
Engaged?
“No.”
Ever married?
“No.”
Looking to marry?
“Not in a rush.”
Handsome, successful, mid-40s, shy as that Egyptian cobra, if not omniscient for sure omnipresent. Turn on TV, he’s there. Hit a party, he’s there. How’s he know so much?
“Research. I have proof. Women are smarter and healthier. Higher tolerance for pain, wash their hands more often after using the bathroom, appreciate a joke better, avoid Internet fraud more carefully. They live longer. And not true they’re bad drivers. Men take more chances. More road rage.
“I didn’t believe it all when I heard it, but they get hit by lightning 82 percent less than men because they don’t play golf so much, don’t fix things on the roof, they’re less reckless. Mano a womano, they’re better at managing money. The facts prove men, overconfident, make mistakes. They’re better negotiators because, more cautious, their error rate is lower.
“A Wake Forest and Florida State University study proved they’re less affected by bad relationships. Comes a breakup? They might get depressed, but guys may turn to substance abuse.”
The better beer-tasting I get, because ladies tend not to get so bombed, but hasn’t he seen those crappy Angelina Jolie movies? Why does he claim they’re better spies?
“Male moles are most likely to leak when involved with a woman, thus females have better access to information.”
My information is, Dan needs a date.
RUSSELL Brand, putting his new brand on the old “Arthur,” has been photographed stepping out of a gor geous Rolls-Royce. Nice. However, the producers, so happy with his work, first gave him a shiny, right-out-of-the-shop Lamborghini. Not sure its exact cost, but we’re looking at roughly $125,000 give or take a headlight. Anyway, somebody already crashed it. Right here in Manhattan.
More. The guy dons a big low-slung hat, hunches over walking and leans on a prop cane, so he’s not recognized when he and the missus Katy Perry want private time. For real private time, he should hop a cab and stay out of foreign cars.
MEG Ryan, who once made news with her fab hair comb, is making news again. It’s her feature film directorial debut with sort of a “The Big Chill” junior grade called “Into the Beautiful” . . . Yoko on staying in the Dakota: “Because John’s still there for me, and I feel his spirit. I don’t want to escape him. I want to embrace him.” . . .
LEA Michele of “Glee” has a diet se cret. She’s vegan. . . . Does anybody know that the Sultan of Brunei has been known for holidays to give $2 million worth of gifts? He gave one hairdresser $25,000 as a tip.
A MAJOR businessman with ties to our DC administration, which is about to become bankrupt tomor row, says: “Israel is in danger. Obama cares nothing about Israel. Abandoning that nation would politically boomerang in a re-election year, so the White House maintains a pretense of caring. I’ve spoken to them about this and know it for a fact. For safety’s sake, they’re letting other governments lead the propaganda assaults against that country while they’re hiding behind.”
IN her moment (or, rather, moments) of need, Lindsay Lohan‘s now-she-is- now-she-isn’t pal Samantha Ronson is staying a pal. Being real close . . . I’m offended. The only news person Charlie Sheen hasn’t called so far — is me . . . Justin Bieber‘s “Never Say Never” already grossed more money than Michael Jackson’s hot-selling 2009 “This Is It,” domestically.
NOTE to guests at Britain’s coming wedding: Do not ask Her Majesty: “Ma’m, was your dress designer Ste vie Wonder?”
BEAUTY secrets: Julianne Moore won’t do fillers or cosmetic surgery. She’s gorgeous and doesn’t want to look different . . . Halle Berry walks around her house naked “so I have to be careful answering the door.” . . . Anne Hathaway: “Being skinny size 0 is difficult. So’s looking good, but I turned down Botox because I like my smile.”
SO this rich lady, playing gin with her grown son who’s not so rich, loses. So does she pay up? “Absolutely not,” she says. “I should let him win back more of my money that he’s already living on?!”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.