Happy Back to Work Day.
Comedian Susie Essman’s all over. On HBO’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and next week headlining Carolines Comedy Club.
“I also moved this week, my uncle, 97, died last night, my daughter starts college this week and, with that hurricane, the Hudson River’s now much closer to my new house. Everything’s happening at once,” she said.
“Talk about thrills of moving. I have four kids’ worth of stuff. I throw everything out. My husband, who’s in commercial real estate, keeps everything. At night, I sneak out to the nearby dump. The dump guy knows me already. I drag three bags of trash, like four old TV sets.
“Also loads of VHSes. HBO used to send me the show to watch. What a dilemma. Who watches VHS anymore? What do you do with those old tapes? I gave the dump guy six bucks, and he’s throwing them out.”
So what’s Larry David, who, in person, oozes a cobra’s warmth?
“Really cuddly. Ad-libs a lot. We laugh all the time. His personality differs from what’s on-screen. He has a sweetness. In real life, he worries about hurting people. But he’s uncomfortable in private social situations. If one of my kids needed a kidney transplant, he’d give me a million dollars for it. He’s really an incredible friend.”
OK. Listen, I’d probably also say the same if I were on his show.
“As for my kids, one wants to be an actress. I don’t know if she’s talented, but who am I to say you can’t? One’s in college. One’s a makeup artist. The other’s a biomedical researcher, and I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“Today I hate seeing myself on television. HD is my enemy. Facial shadows I never saw before, pores who knew I had, and suddenly post-menopausal weight. That over-age 40 look. I gained weight Season 8. Look, I already know I had my youth and this is it.
“It’s not that I hate my neck. I just hate my body. I exercise as much as I can, but after hot flashes at night then I’m hungry!
“My mother watches the show and always says, ‘It’s good.’ After that there’s a pause. Then: ‘Is it necessary for you to use all that dirty four-letter language on the air?’ I say, ‘Yeah, Ma, it is.’ Next come sounds of a sigh. I could have a whole conversation with my mother and never say a word.”
About how the series helps doing stand-up at, say, Carolines:
“Every comedian likes to draw. In the ’80s, starting with guys like Larry David and Jon Stewart, we all hustled to draw audiences in. Now it’s not that worry. Now people get me, so I earn more money because customers want to come see me. Now it’s the new worry about the need to do good.
“I only know I feel stressed either way.”
CLINT Eastwood to direct a “Star Is Born” remake with Beyoncé and Christian Bale … Sportstypes crowding West 52’nds Empire Steak House. Andy Pettitte plus a former Yankee signing his book “Catching Heat: The Jim Leyritz Story”… Tiny novel 10 years ago “The Moth Diaries,” reborn as a freako psycho sicko Edward Pressman horror movie, premiered at the Venice Film Festival and is booked in 14 countries.
THE years Sean Penn was nominated for “Dead Man Walking” and “Sweet and Lowdown,” he never showed to collect his statuette. Says Sean: “The Oscars either grant two seconds to thank God for this terrible TV show or you end up acting like an extra. The whole event is embarrassing” … More Hollywood tribute programs: Forget the Oscars. Hollywood babes minus boob jobs will celebrate at next year’s SAG Awards.
I HAMPTON’d myself Labor Day. The world wants to taste New York. Italy, Australia, Britain, plus imports from Cedarhurst were there. From behind a sign reading “Established 1680” chugged an NYC cab. Even Stanley & Livingstone weren’t that far into the interior. Nick & Toni’s had the usual suspects: Barry and Donna Slotnick, Billy Joel and his blonde inhaling two bottles of wine, awaiting a table at the bar Mark Feuerstein of USA-TV’s “Royal Pains.” I ducked the horse show but saw the horses en route home. Their trucks drove right alongside for an hour. Also schlepping around the Hamptons dinner parties was B. Streisand.
A READING of the 883 tattoo on Penelope Cruz, who has baby Leo with husband Javier Bardem is about her numerology belief. It indicates interest in money, success and power over love. Numerologists say: “In her chart eight and three pop up as main numbers in life. Eight means money, power, success. Three stands for skill in communications and creativity. The second eight strengthens the power of the first.” Conclusion? “Very aggressive in terms of career — Penelope wants to win.”
THIS bar mitzvah invite going around. Exact details I omit:
“With great stress and incredible financial sacrifice we invite you to our wonderful son’s bar mitzvah at ungodly 9 a.m. Don’t really need to be there until 10:20 to catch the real action. Skip the kiddush (just cookies and cake). Instead join for the 7 p.m. ostentatious evening meal. At 8 p.m. you’ll miss 2,000 canapes. We had to join the club just for this event, and you wouldn’t believe the initiation fees. Have the courtesy of showing if you accept. No-shows will be billed for $210 a plate. RSVP when you get this, not the day before the cutoff date. I can’t take the stress. Gift of choice is either green or contains a routing and account number.”
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.