I've been lonely in my marriage for a very long time. My husband and I have been together for 20 years, but there hasn’t been any emotional or physical connection for the past decade. This unaffectionate relationship has become the norm.
I have a nice life – a house, a car, pets, holidays abroad. I have two kids who are happy and we have a good family dynamic. But my husband, who’s 70, and I don’t have any connection at all. We have very little in common and don’t really talk to each other any more, We spend our evenings sitting on the sofa watching telly and having supper together, then we go to our separate bedrooms to sleep.
I think to myself, “I’m 51. I can’t live like this any more.” I’ve talked to him about it many times before, with the most recent time being about a month ago. I said, “I don’t feel like you listen to me. These are my wants and needs. When we got married, this isn’t how I thought it would be. We’re not a team or a partnership – we’re just housemates.”
But he’s emotionally closed off and doesn’t want to hear it. Whether that’s because he doesn’t want to change or because he can’t, I don’t know, but I’ve kind of given up trying. He doesn’t understand the crushing depression that is being in a failed marriage. When you hit 50, you reassess what you want in life. I concluded I needed something for me, someone to validate me, notice me and make me feel wanted.
I worried that if I left it for another 10 years, no one would fancy me when I was 60! A year ago, I decided enough was enough. But I couldn’t join dating apps because you upload photos of yourself, which is too risky. My husband has grown-up kids, one of whom has split up from his wife recently, and I panicked that he might see my profile on there. So I googled “dating for married people” and found Illicit Encounters, a website that facilitates extramarital relationships. I started chatting to some men and going on coffee dates and quickly realised many people are in the same situation as me. They’ve been married for a really long time and just don’ have that spark any more.
Sometimes, we wouldn’t have any chemistry and we’d go our separate ways. But in February I met someone and we just clicked. He’s 46. I think my situation is quite common, where you feel like you’ve got to stay with your spouse for the sake of the kids. The thought of the financial upheaval is also quite terrifying. I have met with a divorce lawyer, but I found it so daunting. Having a secret love feels like the best option for me because I’m getting emotional satisfaction and physical affection, but I haven’t had to make the move to leave.
It’s easier than you think to keep things under wraps. My lover manages his own diary at work so he can get away in the daytime and I work part-time, so it’s easy for me to slip out as well. Or I just say I’m going shopping or to the gym. My husband is retired, which does make it more difficult as he’s in the house a lot, but he doesn’t really bat an eyelid if I say I’m going to see my friends or something like that. I suspect he may know about the affair, but, like me, doesn’t want to upset our dynamic.
It was easier to sneak about over Christmas because there’s always a reason to go out during the festive season. But it was sad that I couldn’t see my lover on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day. We’ve planned an overnight stay somewhere to make up for it. I get together with my university friends a few times a year, so I’m going to say I’m at a spa with them. He’s already told his wife he’s got a work do and will be staying overnight in London. We’re so looking forward to it as it’s incredibly rare we get to spend the night together. It’s been so exciting to plan it.
I would have loved to get him a Christmas present, but we agreed the hotel and a nice meal would be our gift to each other. I share a bank account with my husband, so I couldn’t buy anything without arousing his suspicion. My lover couldn’t get me a gift for the same reason. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to wear a piece of jewellery from him as my husband would wonder where I’d got it from. I’d love to receive something like that from my ‘boyfriend’, but I think it’s more important for us to have quality time together.
I don’t really feel guilty. Occasionally, I’ll get pangs of guilt, but then I remind myself, “I need this,” and I feel fine again. It’s very tricky because I have a really pleasant relationship with my lover, but he obviously can’t be with me all the time. We have to really plan to see each other, which sometimes can be quite infrequent. If I’m feeling low or sick and I want a hug or somebody to look after me, it’s upsetting that we can’t be together.
I’m not getting that from my husband – there hasn’t been any affection or intimacy for 10 years so I can’t go to him and say, “Give me a cuddle.” Even though I’ve got two men in my life, I’m often left without any physical connection and that’s quite hard to deal with. I’ve got the dog to cuddle but it’s not quite the same!
The Christmas curse?
Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationships expert at Lovehoney, says affairs often arise from emotional unhappiness or boredom, which can be amplified around Christmas. She warns that many of us have heightened emotions at this time of year as well as the opportunity to socialise in ways we might not at other times.
“This time of year forces us to reflect on our life and relationships, and if things aren’t going well, the unhappiness can bubble over,” she says. “Throw in the abundance of booze and the late nights and temptation is seemingly everywhere. And when things feel strained at home, seeking validation or excitement elsewhere may feel like a quick escape.”
But while affairs can offer a quick thrill, the consequences can include hurt feelings and broken trust. Annabelle suggests, “If you’re unhappy in your relationship, try addressing the issues. You might be surprised how much an open conversation or professional counselling can help.”
She adds, “If your relationship has truly run its course, it’s more respectful and less messy to end it before seeking something new.”
*Name has been changed to protect identity.