For as long as I can remember, I've been fat

Now, whether or not that's a good thing or a bad thing has always been left up to the determination of any situation I' ve been placed in. Being big has never stopped my motivation with music, nor my propensity for relationships. No, being big has simply been something that has affected the perception of those around me, in turn changing the perception I had for myself in dealing with them. I typically always got what I wanted in relationships, always got the best looking or the most popular. Always had great sex. Always looked as best as could or what I would call "red carpet ready” making sure that people saw my style before they saw my fat, although, who did I think I was kidding?

But then, after I left college and started getting into the throws of adulthood, I was introduced to being fat and black. There was a difference now in the stature of my confidence when compared to what was celebrated as the quintessential black male. He was tall, muscular, had facial hair, a flock of admirers, a deep manly voice, a huge dick, and unmatched swag

To myself, I would think, how the hell will anyone care about me if I’m standing next to one of “them”? Singing won’t distract a chick from looking at that adonis. Producing a beat is cool, but that doesn’t cover up the lack of a six pack

But still, I pressed on, hoping that at some point, people would still see me

Then I met Jerz. Or should I say… re-met him. I’d known him for a while, but never got close to him. Jonathan “Jerz” Boyd, to me, was THE over-ambitious fat boy. He was big, dark skinned… basically the exact opposite of what I had come to know a typical coveted black man to be. But Jerz had a confidence about him that I had never seen before. Jerz could look at a girl a certain way and her panties would just disintegrate. Jerz was married too, with 5 kids! He was musically creative… a genius with lyrics and vocal arrangements. He was intelligent, hilarious, moody, and just real. Jerz was complicated, wishful, and of course, ambitious. He never saw anything as a roadblock, but as a challenge that needed to be overcome

Jerz was also my biggest fan. I say this with confidence only because he would’ve told you himself. When we started working on music together, he would tell me that I was the artist he always wanted to be. Confidently myself, attracting masses, and not having to change a thing but an outfit to hit the stage. I felt like that was a tall order, but he drug that swag outta me like no other. He made me recognize the power of my voice, the sexiness in my delivery, and the nuances in my music that would make people stand up and pay attention. Beyond that, we were so similar in our life experiences. We would talk for hours on the phone about life, not just becau because it was gossip, but because he enjoyed hearing my stories and giving me relatable advice

And then Jerz passed away three years ago. It hit me hard… probably harder than any death I’d experienced. I felt like I’d seen my future self die and it made my outlook bleaker than I could imagine. But barring the obvious warnings about health, and life choices, I knew that there was something else I needed to pay attention to in grieving for him. He wasn’t done. Just before he passed, he hit me up asking to come through his house and just chill and listen to music, because it been a while. Jerz’s mind was forever churning with ideas and inspiration, and I swear he probably had a melody in his head the moment he passed. I had come to my own place of of self-realization when it came to music, life, and my own ambitions, but this tragedy had not just a silver lining, but an entire tapestry ready to blind me with truth. I had to keep going

I didn’t know how, but I knew I had to continue this ambition that not only Jerz saw for himself, but the ambition that he saw in me as well. He had dreams for me that I still couldn’t fathom while he was alive, but I see them so clearly now. If I stopped, all the ambition, the work, the drama, his death… it wouldn’t mean anything

So, this project is dedicated to Jonathan “Jerz” Boyd, and all the other over-ambitious fat boys who don’t fit the mold. Those of us who are creative and told no one will appreciate our creations if we’re the face of it. Those of us who have dreams, but have been shot down because someone looked better but did less work. Those of us who struggle with who we are internally, but compensate outwardly for everyone else’s enjoyment. I’m here for y’all. Black/white, gay/straight, typical/atypical. Your ambition is what drives you and connects the dots of your personality to your dreams. People’s perceptions be damned. We live in this world too and da dammit if we’re gonna take up extra space, we might as well do it big!

Please enjoy The Chronicles of an Over-Ambitious Fat Boy. I enjoyed making it, if only just for the liberation I now have as a result