Radio star
A hit on TV
My life is on film
Yet it sucks being me

[Sample]
Shut up! Sit down!

My life's a wreck
I'm bored with sex
I've got a big nose
And a skinny neck

I can't sing
I can't dance
I get money to talk
About the junk in my underpants

[Refrain]
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am

[Sample]
I told you not to be stupid, you moron

[Sample]
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

[Sample]
Baba Booey

[Sample]
Oh, that's good

[Sample]
*Laughter*

When Teri Hatcher
Was on my show
She came onto me
I was tempted to go
Heather Locklear
She thinks I'm great
I would bet my life
I could get her on the first date

Courtney Love, Madonna
And Sharon Stone
I could get them all together
And make each one moan
Tammy, Racquel
[?]
Demi
Any Demi?

[Refrain]
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am

I [?] farts
I'm immature
They say I'm great
But I'm not sure
My whole life sucks
Each minute blows
This gangly body
This monstrous nose
This droopy ass
This tiny shween
No wonder I get on the air
And act so mean

I wish my life
Was much more simple
I've got a wookie
The size of a pimple

[Refrain]
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I can't believe I am who I am

I'm a tortured man

[Sample]
I think so

I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man
I'm a tortured man

[Sample]
I'm just thinking for a minute. Should I trade half my money for ten times as much sex? It's an equation from hell