I first met Nikki Grahame when I was 12 and she was 14. We were both in hospital recovering from an eating disorder and we had a connection from the second we first saw each other on the stairs.
The friendship we had is unexplainable – like magic – and it felt like we were always meant to meet; she lived down the road from me, both our parents had divorced, we had similar upbringings. We even had the same nurse look after us when we were in a different hospital at separate times. But I could see how poorly she was.
Being in the clinic was horrific at times. We would be fed with a tube that would go down our nose into our stomachs (known as an NG-feed), and we could hear each other crying and screaming from our rooms. But we had such fun there too, getting into trouble like teenage girls do. We’d put on shows (our favourite was Starlight Express) and have secret sleepovers. We ran riot and made each other’s time in there bearable.
In our twenties, when we were both well, the fun continued when we lived together in a flat in Northwood. They were the best days of my life. We’d go out every night from Thursday to Saturday, get really drunk even though we had no money and come back and fall asleep in the same bed. Nik would have her fan heater on because she was always cold and I’d wake up in the middle of the night, freezing, with her legs wrapped around me.
She always wanted to go on Big Brother. I went to her audition with her and after queuing for hours she almost left because a boy she fancied rang her and wanted to meet up. I made her go in and he rang again during the audition. She answered her phone! Who answers their phone in the middle of an audition? But the producers absolutely loved her for it. It was impossible not to love Nikki.
I had no idea she was going into the house until I saw her on TV, wearing a pink bunny outfit after being introduced by Davina McCall. She had told me she was going on holiday with her mum, Sue, but the night before she entered Big Brother we were sitting together in our flat and she asked me to sing “I Turn to You” by Christina Aguilera. She loved it when I would sing that to her. I guess she knew we might not see each other for a while, and she needed some comfort, but I still wasn’t surprised when I saw her get out of that car on Channel 4. I just thought, “yeah, that’s Nikki, that makes sense”.
I was never concerned about Nikki being on TV. I was so happy for her. I knew she needed something to take her mind off her illness – she was always on the edge of falling back into it. Big Brother saved her. She was so grateful to everyone who made that show for giving her a life and giving her an identity away from being ill. I used to go to sleep watching the 24-hour live feed of the house because she looked so happy. I was so proud of her.
Some people might get claustrophobic or bored but being kept in the house was second nature to Nikki, probably because she’d spent so much of her life in hospital. She was totally herself in there, and that’s why everyone loved her. She needed that acceptance from as many people as possible.
I remember Nikki as beautifully eccentric and a hopeless romantic. She was always searching for the love of her life (she had her heart set on marrying a French man!), and had an old soul, just like me. I’m sure we met in a past life. Nikki was a free spirit when she was well, but her illness locked her in a cage she couldn’t escape.
In 2020 when she was very ill, I still thought Nikki would come back from the brink. She was like a cat with nine lives, but it was clear we were going to have to do something to try and help her get better. She wanted to get better.
We set up a GoFundMe page, thinking: “We’ll raise £10,000 to send her to a nice spa or something”. We had no idea we’d get the response we did. I have to thank Rylan [Clark, who used to host Big Brother’s sister show, Big Brother’s Bit on the Side] who retweeted the page – before we knew it we had raised £75,000. Nikki was a little embarrassed that people were giving her money, but she was so thankful for the support, too.
When Nikki died last April, I didn’t believe she had really gone. At first I was obsessed with remembering her and posting photos of us together, but a year on it’s so painful. I automatically burst into tears when I think of her, and it’s so hard coming across clips of her on Big Brother on social media. A huge part of my life has gone. I’ve lost my right-hand man and I’ve had to build some brick walls in order to cope.
I now work in the hospital where Nikki and I met, helping other young people recover from eating disorders. I told her I was thinking of getting a job there and she encouraged me to go for it, she thought I’d be so good at it. I want to help people living with this evil illness that takes the soul out of these beautiful young girls. I feel like I’m helping myself, but also Nikki, in a way.
It’s hard to imagine that this time last year would be the last time I would speak to her.
Nikki was my best friend, my family. It’s hard to think about my future life – getting married – without her there. It seems impossible. I’ll never ever have a friend like her again. She was my soulmate.
As told to Emily Baker
Nikki Grahame: Who Is She? airs on Thursday night at 9pm on Channel 4
