I have spent my whole life nurturing others, including my mother, aunt, eldest sister, wife and daughters. I’m 55, my youngest daughter has just left for university and I’m feeling a bit lost. I miss the house being noisy with their friends around and feel like the best days of my life are over.
My wife is career-driven and works longer hours than me; I only really work to earn money to enjoy life with the kids, though my colleagues are nice enough.
My wife and I lead quite independent lives and she doesn’t seem phased by this new stage, though she does seem busier than usual. We usually spend time together as a family or with friends, rather than the two of us together, so we haven’t really connected since dropping my youngest daughter off.
I’m happy and relieved the kids both sound like they’re having a great time – and I am thankful for social media and how easy it is to stay in touch – I just feel a bit like I’ve lost the most important role of my life.
Am I alone in feeling this way?
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I’m not surprised you’re feeling lost: your role as primary caregiver is one of infinite value. It has defined your life over the past 18 years and you have filled your home with love. So no, you’re certainly not alone in feeling like this.
Rather than losing the most important role in your life, I’d celebrate a wonderful phase passing and look forward to the next phase of sharing your lives with your children through their stories and your own. Much as it may hurt, this is the time – as your letter suggests you recognise – to support them from afar as they enjoy newfound freedom and give yourself space to find what might bring you alive in your own life.
You have the time to take stock of your life. You sound like a man with a lot of love to give; now your children have gone, where’s it going to go? I’d recommend that the first, important thing for you to learn – perhaps for the first time in your life – is to share that love with yourself. To recognise, acknowledge and meet your own needs. To follow your curiosity and do things because you’re interested in them.
I’d take this opportunity to ask yourself about the shape of your life to come so you can shape it deliberately. Do you want to continue working? Would you consider starting a business? How would you like to express your creative energy? Where might you develop your skills?
Would you like to develop casual friendships with your colleagues? Do you have old friends you’d like to reconnect with? Do you have forgotten hobbies you’d like to re-explore? Sometimes one partner will feel the loss of children from the family home more starkly than the other: I wonder whether this is happening in your relationship?
It sounds like your wife is quite happy with the progress in your children’s lives, as they have a great time in university – and she’s busy getting on with her career. She may be grateful for the space to concentrate more on her work and the things she likes to do, but you won’t know this unless you ask her.
What’s interesting to me is that you seem to have spent your whole life nurturing women and I’ll bet you’ve got incredible empathy. I wonder what your relationship to men is and whether you have male friends, or prefer the company of women? I ask this because it feels as if there’s a hole in your need for connection.
I wonder whether at some level you’d like your wife to fill this hole. I’d caution that while this is an opportunity for you to reset your relationship, it is not a time to put all your social and emotional needs on her, rather than taking responsibility for them yourself. The newfound independence of children leaving would be somewhat stifled by a newly dependent partner.
Having said that, I hear what you say about spending time together only with other couples or for family occasions. Maybe your wife’s waiting for you to invite her to connect in whatever way you feel drawn to. It might be a good idea for you to have some nights out where you chat together and explore the next phase in your lives and in your relationship.
If you’re missing the noise of full home, do you want to start being more sociable and having friends around more regularly? Or perhaps get a dog both for companionship and the community among owners? Did you used to travel or play sports together before having children? Do you have common interests you could discover, or rediscover, together?
Have you asked your wife why she’s so busy at the moment? I’d recommend asking her straight if she wants to spend more time with you or if she still wants to develop her career? At least then you know the lay of the land, rather than hoping she might want one thing or avoiding asking directly. If your wife’s happy with her career focus, then carve out a space as a couple that includes both your needs for connection and space for you both to grow.
If you sense she is reluctant to spend time with you then I would recommend asking whether this is about her career, and whether she feels she needs to meet a milestone before she’s ready to change gear, or whether the issue is aspects of your relationship? If it is the latter, I would recommend that you seek good relationship counselling and take the time to explore your needs and unpick any unfulfilling habits or misunderstandings that might have built up over the past two decades.
But whatever the dynamic within your relationship, this is also a time to focus on yourself. While many parents neglect themselves to a certain extent, I wonder whether you’ve ever recognised your own needs when you’ve played the role of supporter, looking out for others. It might take practice to recognise what you’d like to do.
Now is a time when you can also flip this. As a parent-of-adults, ask yourself: “Who do I no longer need to be?” As you let go of those aspects of your life, new opportunities will surely show up for you to explore. As you’ve raised your children and tended to their needs, now you can inspire your children and share your life with them as they share their new lives with you.
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