I’m 39 and work in consulting. It’s a high-pressure job which I take pride in working hard at. Recently, I was promoted and received a pay rise. My wife knows about the promotion, but the latter I’ve lied to her about, saying that it was only by £5k. The truth is, my new position was quite a big jump up in seniority, and around a £27k increase on my overall annual salary.
We’ve been together for seven years and lived together for six of those. We own our flat in London and we split the mortgage and all bills 50/50. She’s a teacher and her salary has plateaued, so because I like to go for nice dinners and holidays, I pay for her from time to time. I’m grateful she takes pride in paying half on the important things.
I don’t want to tell her about the pay rise because I’m worried she’ll start wanting me to pay more on the bills or mortgage. Or there will be more expectation that I will have to treat her all the time to expensive clothes or luxury holidays.
I’ve spoken to my friends and they agree I shouldn’t have to tell her as it’s my money and I work hard for it, and it’s not my fault she’s in a low-earning job.
Is it wrong to keep it from her? It’s not technically a lie…
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There’s something about this argument that transports me to childhood and sibling arguments over who gets the largest slice of cake. Except you’re not a child and your wife isn’t a sibling but your partner, who you’ve shared your life with for seven years.
You claim that this is not technically a lie, but I feel you’re dealing in small print here and it comes across as if your wealth is more important than the health of your relationship.
I wonder how you feel about your relationship: are you planning to enjoy the rest of your lives together in a loving, trusting relationship? Do you have any doubts at this stage about your future? How committed are you to this relationship, or do you see it as some sort of business deal? If you’re unsure, then hiding your finances might be a symptom of bigger questions.
If, on the other hand, you love your wife, I think you need to question the great importance you place on your independent wealth. I wonder where this is coming from? Did you come from a background where you were very conscious that your parents were unable to afford and you went without? Or with a dominating sibling or friend who always seemed to take more than their fair share? It can be hard in adulthood to shake off this sense of insecurity if it played a big part in your upbringing. Until you understand the roots of your attitude towards money, it has the potential to threaten your relationship.
It’s interesting that you say that your wife has chosen to be a teacher and her low-paying job is not your fault – as if someone is to blame. I’d argue that it’s a failing of our society that teachers, who are responsible for shaping the minds of future generations, aren’t paid a King’s ransom.
I wonder if your wife enjoys her work, has passion and likes to make a positive difference to the lives of others? I wonder if you enjoy your work or whether it’s just about the money? I can understand to a certain extent that if the only thing you find rewarding is your bank balance, you want to enjoy this extra money for yourself. I respect that your promotion will add to the pressure of your job, and I have no doubt you’ve worked hard to find yourself where you are. The fact you’re questioning your morals with this lie says that hiding your rise is not sitting right with you. I do hope this questioning leads you to follow your instincts.
If you want your relationship to last, please come clean about your pay rise. It sounds like you value your wife’s pride at paying half in the important things, but it also makes me wonder if anyone has ever taken advantage of you previously in life, and how much you’re able to trust anyone.
Should you not come clean and she finds out, I wonder how you’d explain that away? Would you try and deceive your way out of it? Would her feelings matter? I wonder how you’d feel if the shoe were on the other foot?
Have you talked to your wife about the idea of splitting mortgages proportionately as an act of commitment and love? Would she feel safer, more nourished and in more of a committed relationship if care came before pride and you can relieve her of the burden that she might carry with her income as it is, as you grow your own wealth? This might feel like a different version of ‘fair’, one that some people would see as more respectful to both your hard work, and a greater acknowledgement that the value of roles such as teacher isn’t adequately recompensed in the UK.
It’s interesting to me that in three quarters of relationships where one partner earns a lot more than the other, essential spending is split proportionately, according to a YouGov research this year into cohabiting working couples.
This doesn’t stop you from having a separate fund to cushion you in case of an emergency. One in five people (often women) have a so-called ‘running away fund’ that they keep separate in case there’s ever an emergency. I have a lot of respect for this as it gives people a chance to choose to be with their partner every day. Is your secrecy in any way equivalent? I dare to guarantee you that your wife would rather you be open and explain that you’d experience more financial security with a separate account, than hiding this off-the-record cash.
I wonder how you manage household chores, who cooks dinner, whether your wife steps in if you’re working longer hours – or whether everything has to be strictly 50/50? Do you make sure you’re getting a fair deal and your wife is not getting an easy ride? You don’t mention children and I have no idea whether you wish to have them: I wonder if your approach to finances might change if you were parenting together? Would you see children as a shared investment?
You might still be one of the 25 per cent of couples who would prefer their partner to pay half of the bills. If this is the case, perhaps you could try to balance things by asking your wife what luxuries she might like.
I find it interesting that your friends are in agreement with you that your money isn’t for sharing. How are their relationships? I wonder if you – and perhaps your colleagues and friends too – are using money to guard against intimacy.
We all get to choose how we live; money is more important for some of us than others. But honesty is a choice, too, and without it there’s no trust. Morally, you’re lying to your wife. Your first step is to come clean and work out why, before you do further damage to your relationship.
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