Each week, The i Paper asks expert Lucy Cavendish to answer readers’ questions about love, sex and relationships
I met my husband in our late twenties. At the time, he was unemployed, immature, a show off, he’d never turn down a night out, and he always got the drunkest out of everyone. I had to lend him money more than a few times because he’d spent all of it on booze or drugs and couldn’t make his rent. But he was someone who also had an incredible heart, and was so loving and kind.
As the years passed, we eventually got married and I thought he’d grow out of it, with a little nudging and guidance on my part. The only thing is, he’s about to turn 40 and he hasn’t changed at all. In fact, I feel like it’s worse because he should have grown out of it by now. He’s been let go from pretty much every job he’s ever been in – for either being defiant, not turning up to work or being consistently late. He received an inheritance when his grandmother died and we were both planning on saving for a deposit for a house, and I found out he blew it on parties.
We’ll have a massive argument and he’ll be on his “best behaviour” for two weeks and then back to his old tricks. I just can’t rely on him and I feel like his mother, nagging him all the time.
I want an equal partner and I want out. Is it bad to leave him like this?
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Here is the short answer: no, it is not bad to leave him like this, because, contrary to how he behaves, he is an adult. But it feels like he hasn’t been making adult choices for a very long time and you have finally had enough.
What you need to know though is that when you start feeling a nagging sadness and compassion for him – which you will do because there is obviously part of you that really cares about him and you are thoughtful about his welfare – you must remind yourself that your husband has the capacity to make choices. It may feel to you as if he doesn’t have that capacity, because, if he did, you might ask yourself why he chooses to continue to make the wrong choices.
He’s not a child or a teenager. He is a grown up but he’s not behaving like a grown up and on some level maybe you are part of that. Maybe the two of you have got stuck in some terrible cycle where he gets to be the naughty wayward child and you have to be his disappointed nagging mother.
The short answer then: now is the time to leave.
There is also a longer answer. We often meet people and instead of seeing them for who they really are, we focus on other things. We see all the good things and not the bad things. This is fine when you are young. Who knows anything about red flags when they’re in their 20s? But never ever ever marry someone on the promise of what they possibly could be rather than on who they actually are.
“I love you. You’re perfect. Now change,” sums up many people’s thinking and situations. They meet someone who they believe has promise. They fall in love with a kind, loving person and they hope, as you did, all the other stuff that went along with them would just magically disappear. And then of course it doesn’t because unless the partner has invested interest in doing some sort of “inner” work, then they’re not showing any interest in changing.
I have clients that come into my room and have a long discourse about their terrible partner and then when I say: “Well, why did you marry them?” they say that they were so sweet and kind. It’s as if that’s the least they expect from somebody.
There’s information in this about what your expectations were and are. It’s wonderful that people are kind and funny and sweet but they need to be more than that. If you are going to marry someone and pledge the rest of your life to them, they need to be responsible and consistent and honest and hold down a job and meet you halfway. It doesn’t sound as if your husband was ever really going to do that. Maybe you just hoped and crossed your fingers behind your back when you walked down the aisle.
The truth about your husband is he is still a teenager. Despite your wishes and desires and desperate nudging he has very little interest in growing up. Maybe the world of the adult just looks really boring and dull to him. Maybe partying and taking drugs and drinking and frittering away his inheritance feels more exciting to him than a steady, loving home life.
Maybe there was an opportunity for him to grow up but he certainly hasn’t taken it, and do you really want to be his mummy and scold him to be on best behaviour? Of course you don’t. No one wants to do that and you shouldn’t have to.
There is something very important that you have to do before you go through with the break-up. You need to take responsibility for your part in this relationship. You need to say, “I am sorry I married you knowing that you were who you are. I am sorry I tried to change you. I just hoped that you would.”
Then you can make amends to yourself by promising you will try to never do that again. You are worthy of a partner who meets your needs, takes care of you and is a fully grown adult.
Lucy Cavendish is the author of How to Have Extraordinary Relationships. Listen to her podcast, available on her website
