Each week, The i Paper asks expert Lucy Cavendish to answer readers’ questions about love, sex and relationships
I’ve been with my husband for nearly 10 years now and for the most part we’ve been so happy. When I first met him in his early twenties, he was very vocal about saying how he never wanted to get married or have children, but I assumed he would just grow out of it.
As the years ticked along, we saw all our friends start getting engaged and starting families, and we got married too. But everything changed when I got pregnant. He started acting distant, spending a lot more time at work, and turning his phone over when he wasn’t using it – which he never used to do.
I accused him of cheating, and he fully gaslit me, calling me insecure because I was pregnant, saying I was “suffocating him”. It eventually came to light that he was having a full-blown affair with a younger woman at work and it nearly blew up our relationship. He came grovelling with his tail between his legs, saying it was just a freak-out – that he would never do it again, and he couldn’t wait for us to become parents and spend the rest of our lives together.
I’ve stayed with him through the birth of our child, as I wanted her to have a normal first couples of years of her life – she deserves that. Truth is though, I don’t trust him, and I certainly don’t think I love him anymore. I’m just counting down the time until it feels like our daughter is old enough and I can leave him.
When is the right time though?
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You seem pretty determined to leave so, let’s answer your question. When is the right time to leave? Well, everyone will give you different and conflicting answers. Some will say now – your child is young. She won’t remember her early years so get out before the rhythm of your family is established. The thinking will be that she won’t remember much about the fact you two were ever together. This is largely the case. We don’t really remember much from our early years.
I’m interested that you decided to stay with him because you feel your daughter “deserved” a couple of years with their father.
For, the longer you stay and the older your daughter gets, the more attached she will become not just to her father but also to the fact that she has two parents who are together as a unit. Right now she probably doesn’t really know that so I’m curious that you think you have to wait until your daughter is older in order to leave your marriage.
If you believe that you’re going to be there until she leaves for university – that is if she goes university – you’re in for least in the next 16 years. Can you actually do that?
What your daughter and yourself really deserve is a kind honest and trustworthy loving partner who’s committed to you, her and your family.
The question you need to ask yourself is this: Is my husband that person? Seemingly not. However there are clues: he made it clear he didn’t want to get married and have children and yet somehow he did get married and have children.
When he said he felt suffocated he was probably being truthful. He wouldn’t be the first man to have the total and utter breakdown about the fact that they need to take on responsibilities that they not feel able to do. Did you ever ask him why? Was he frightened of commitment? Did he not feel “grown up” enough to shoulder the responsibility? Did you discuss any of this?
Before you make the decision to leave, I would ask you to consider what future you are imagining? Are you intending to co-parent? Are you assuming your husband won’t be in your baby’s life? The reasons why I’m asking these questions is that before you take any action you need to think about how you set up this future.
If you want him to remain in your daughter’s life, you will need to take some responsibility for what has happened even if it is only 3 per cent. Because this is where you will find forgiveness or, if not forgiveness, tolerance in the future.
At some point your daughter is going to want to ask about her father. When she’s old enough you need to be able to tell her the truth. Truth is a tricky thing. One person sees it one way and one person sees it the other way. There may be a way of coming to terms with that. Your husband needed to grow up a bit – actually quite a lot – and he couldn’t cope the responsibility, and he irretrievably damaged your marriage.
The other option is just to wait and see – can he be trustworthy? Can he be a good husband and father? Are you prepared to give him a second chance? Maybe to take on board that he felt his wishes were not taken into consideration? Maybe you could invest in some extremely helpful couples counselling and make it through a bit longer.
But couples who stay together for the children but are actually in relationships full of recrimination, resentment and mistrust, are usually making the wrong decision.
What our children need is to see functioning healthy flourishing relationships. So it doesn’t really matter when you leave but what you are going to be modelling for your daughter.
If you cannot forgive him – and given the fact you say you no longer love him – finding an exit strategy seems important. But you could also commit to co-parenting with him so that your daughter can still see two people who are trying very hard at having a good parenting relationship. This feels like a better option staying and staring at him with resentment over the baby porridge.
Lucy Cavendish is the author of How to Have Extraordinary Relationships. Listen to her podcast, available on her website
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