When Eli, age 25 from Bradford, started watching plane videos on YouTube, she never imagined it would lead her to meet her current husband. Eli describes herself as “terrified” of flying, and watching videos of aircraft became a way to ease her fears. Soon enough, in June 2021 YouTube started recommending her videos by @DylansTravelReport – a channel run by Dylan, age 23 from Huddersfield, dedicated to documenting his travels by rail, air and boat to his 119,000 subscribers.
Within the space of a week, Eli binge-watched around 15 of Dylan’s videos and, before even seeing what he looked like, she developed a crush on him. “I liked the way he thought about things, how pleasant he was speaking to people in his comments and some of the interests he’d mentioned were the same as mine,” says Eli. When she eventually came across a “face reveal” video, it felt like an “added bonus”, she says. “He was almost like an amalgamation of every feature I found attractive in a man.”
After trying to work out if he was single, and suspecting that he was, she decided to shoot her shot. “I commented on his video mentioning that I went to college [in Huddersfield] and that I still go to the town sometimes”.
He responded with a heart emoji which, as Eli notes, “felt a lot friendlier than his other comments”. They soon moved the chat to Twitter, where after a few months of speaking, she plucked up the courage to ask him on a date. It was a success and, fast-forward almost three years later, Eli and Dylan are now husband and wife.
Prior to meeting Dylan, Eli had been using dating apps on and off for a number of years, and says she had little success, disliking “the shallow feel of it all”. She certainly isn’t alone in feeling this way: one 2023 survey found that almost half (46 per cent) of Brits say their dating app experiences have been bad.
Still, for many people, meeting a romantic partner online is still the preferred way. One 2019 study showed that 47 per cent of Britons feel that the internet makes it easier for introverted people to meet a partner.
This explains why a growing number of people like Eli are turning to alternative places to meet their partner online not specifically designed for dating. Along with YouTube, there have been reports of people using LinkedIn, Strava and even Duolingo to meet their significant other.
Not forgetting video games, which have long been popular among people looking to meet a romantic partner with a shared interest. In fact one 2021 study showed that a third of Brits would rather meet their partner in an online game than through a dating app.
Minnie Lane, a dating and personal development coach, thinks there are benefits to meeting romantic partners in this way. “Research shows that when people are bombarded with choices on dating apps, it leads to more searching and poorer decisions in finding partners,” she says. “And, even if you are a good match for someone, it can be hard to stand out from the crowd online.”
On top of this, Lane points out that most people’s profiles aren’t very well designed, which can add to the “cognitive fatigue” many experience when they’re scrolling. “When we’re using apps that aren’t designed for dating, the negative effects of too much choice can be largely avoided.”
Ed, age 30 from London, agrees. For the past 10 months, he’s been speaking to people via r/foreveralonedating – a subreddit where posts read similarly to personal ads. Whereas apps have fostered a culture of disposability when it comes to dating, Ed says that people who post on r/ForeverAloneDating tend to be seeking out longer-term connections. This is unsurprising, given the fourth rule listed on the subreddit, which reads: “no casual encounters or hookups. This is a serious dating sub online.”
“It appealed to me because it cut through the noise slightly better than the apps,” says Ed. “The pool is smaller, but more likely to be on my wavelength.”
For Ed, the most frustrating thing about dating apps is the silence. “I had to spend a lot of time and effort on the apps to get very little, if anything, in response,” he says. While Ed has responded to a few people’s posts on the subreddit, the most success he’s had has been through people responding to his posts, where he talks about his sense of humour and his love of podcasting. “It has felt like less of a grind [than the apps],” he says. So far, Ed has had a number of conversations, including one date.
For Eli and Ed, part of the appeal of meeting people through an app not designed for dating is not being constrained by prompts, or making snap judgments about people based on their appearance. “With dating apps, you can fall into a routine of finding someone attractive-going out-having sex-being ghosted,” says Eli. “Meeting someone through their interests and not seeing their face until later on was really refreshing.”
One of the rules of ForeverAloneDating is that users do not post photos. For Ed, this has had its upsides and downsides. “I’ve had lovely conversations, but they were being coy about sending photos,” Ed says.
“It is painful to start developing an emotional attachment without seeing someone’s face, and then finding out they aren’t your type.”
For online daters who are looking for more ways to customise their profiles, Google Docs has emerged as one alternative to dating apps. Like r/foreveralone, “date me docs” bear some resemblance to personal ads, but aren’t limited to a certain number of characters – they’re often pages long – or subject to any rules.
Luzia, age 27 from Oxford, started her “date me doc” in 2023, after feeling disillusioned with dating apps. “I found it really hard to tell from a profile whether I would actually like someone in person,” she says. On her doc, she has sections titled “What I’m like”, “Things I do”, “Who I’m Looking for”, “In a relationship” (where she outlines what she’s looking for), and even a list of date ideas, all presented in a colourful, cutesy format.
Luzia went on multiple dates with people who’d reached out to her after seeing her date me doc, either through her social media, a link on her Hinge, or through the Date Me Doc Directory.
“It was a mixed bag, I think because I found it difficult to say no to people who’d asked me out after taking the time to read and respond to my doc,” says Luzia. A few months after publishing her doc, Luzia’s friend shared it with a single colleague. Taking a cue from one of the date ideas listed in the doc, he suggested they go on a walk. “[On the date] I would find it so sweet that he would remember these super small details from the doc.” One year later, Luzia and her friend’s colleague are in a happy romantic relationship.
Lane thinks “date me docs” can do a good job of weeding out potential partners. “You’re less likely to be approached by people who aren’t serious about dating and by providing more info, you reduce some of the small talk necessary to find out if you’re compatible,” she says.
“Date me docs may be particularly appealing to women or those who take a more feminine role in a relationship, as they allow the creator to be in their feminine energy – putting themselves out there, but leaving it to suitors to do the approaching. Research shows that most women still prefer this dynamic and want men to make the first move, even in the modern world.”
Like Luzia, Eli feels that right from the first date, she was able to have a better connection compared to meeting someone from an app. While Luzia’s date would bring up things she’d mentioned on her doc, Eli says they talked about “places he’d travelled and common interests” she’d discovered through his channel. “I find it sweet how we met,” says Eli. “And I enjoy telling our story.”
