More than 70 per cent of singles (72 per cent) aged over 50 are hopeful they will find love, with 40 per cent saying they still want to get married. But a survey by dating site Ourtime found men are more optimistic about finding love than women (76 per cent compared with 69 per cent). i spoke to two women in their fifties who revealed their dating experiences.
Jacqui Baker, 59, is divorced and has three grown-up children. She lives in Hampshire and owns the dating agency Select Connections, which caters for singles in their fifties, sixties and seventies. Her last long-term relationship ended in January 2018 and she dates intermittently.
When I got divorced in my 40s I embraced online dating and enjoyed it, up to a point. But when I returned to it in my 50s after the end of my last relationship it felt like a real slog. It became hard to work out who was serious and who was just playing games.
Some would “like” you, message you, then ghost you. After a while, they’d return to you, presumably when their other options didn’t work out. Not great.
I went on one date with a man who had clearly used a photo from 30 years ago – he was so unrecognisable that I walked right past him in the car park. Then there was the man who lied about his height. I’m only 5ft 1in and 8.5st but he was smaller than me. I could have snapped him in half.
Although I have had interest from much younger men it just doesn’t appeal to me. I always go for my own age group, or maybe five years older. Never younger. I just want to be comfortable as I get older. Saying that, I have had men in their mid-seventies hitting on me and I want to say to them: “Why aren’t you being realistic?”
I’m happily single but I do dip my toe into the dating world every now and then. I’ve been on most of the dating sites like Bumble, Match and Hinge but I never went for Tinder – it scared me! It always seemed like a young person’s site to me.
When I am advising my clients I always ask them to really take a step back and ask themselves what they really want. Also, so often they see the pictures and dismiss the person immediately. I try to persuade them to really read the profiles to get a better sense of the whole person.
I compare it to looking for a new house. You see one online and it looks fantastic but then when you go to view it in the flesh it’s a big disappointment. Compare this with the house that doesn’t look that great online but is say in an area you love. When you go to see it you’re bowled over.
Every now and then I will enjoy a date – maybe a nice lunch or a meal, but I am not interested in a long-term relationship. I’m very happy as I am in my home with my two cockapoos. I suppose I am a bit set in my ways and I just don’t want to share my home with someone again. I like my freedom too much.
Susan*, 59, married aged 28 and got divorced aged 45. The office manager, who lives near Twickenham, has three grown-up children. She has dated over the years but is taking a step back to go on a “gap year” to include a mini-tour of the USA and work in an orphanage in Kenya.
I’m 59, but I feel like a 45-year-old – I’m always running around, have a very busy social life and feel more comfortable in my skin now than ever.
Five years after my divorce, aged 50, I met a man online and we had a four-year relationship, which worked beautifully. I thought he was the one, but then he moved away and the long distance just didn’t work.
I’ve had several six-month relationships. Most of the time I’ve finished them because I’ve worked out I don’t want to be with them, some have had a double life, are narcissistic, or have no money. I’m not looking for someone to fund me; I want someone with a similar income so we can enjoy the same things.
One 20-something man on a dating site sent me a message saying: “I’d love to be your slave, let me clean your kitchen,” and I wrote back: “Not my bag, baby.” I was once told if they sound weird when you’re talking to them online they’ll be twice as weird when you meet. I think that’s true.
Another man I had chatted to for a very long time online then asked me for £1,000 so that was the end of that. Then there was the man I met who obsessively did 25,000 steps every day – sometimes he would walk around the hotel room just to reach his target.
When I was about 57 I met a chap who was a couple of years older. He was great fun, very intelligent and we clicked immediately. Very quickly he wanted to stay over and he stayed and stayed. At first it was nice as my final child had left home. He then got sick and his work dried up over Covid. He was spending all day in my bed.
Then every time I left the house I’d come back and the door would be double-locked. At first I thought I had done it but then realised he must have been nipping down from bed to lock it – all very strange. After a while I just got fed up with the situation and it dawned on me I knew very little about him. I didn’t know where he lived, I’d never been to his house.
I asked him to leave and he was absolutely fuming. It all got a bit nasty. I told him his clothes were on the doorstep.
I took a very hard long look at myself and thought: stop being so vulnerable; stop taking this crap; don’t just be grateful that you’ve got somebody. It was a real wake-up call for me. I’ve toughened up and I’m more discerning and business-like about what I want.
Internet dating is just horrible – it’s definitely got worse in the past few years. I think it’s past its sell-by date. You can get lucky, but mostly the men are jaded, the women are jaded and when the men realise there are so many women out there, they mess around.
I have a busy life – but I’ve filled it. I would like nothing more than to sit on the sofa and cook dinner for somebody. I’ve filled my time because I don’t want to sit on that sofa on my own. Up until last year there was plenty of room for me to open up my heart, but there isn’t really space for someone now that I’m off travelling.
It’s tough. I’m 60 next year and I’ve got to the point where I think I possibly won’t meet anybody. Whatever I’m doing here is not working so I’m going to do what I have always wanted: travel, give back and have fun. If I meet someone on the way then so be it.
*Name has been changed
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