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How to strengthen your friendships - and revive the ones you've lost

It’s natural for our friends to fall by the wayside as we age but making a bit more effort can transform our wellbeing. Here’s how

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You can nurture your friendships (Photo: SolStock/Getty/E+)
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Studies have shown that after the age of 25, our friendship circles begin to shrink rapidly – and continue to do so for the rest of our lives.

While no one needs an enormous group of friends, maintaining a decent number of quality friendships is crucial for our health and wellbeing (in fact, research proves that people with close friendships live longer than those who don’t).

But when work or family gets in the way, nurturing our friendships naturally begins to fall off the to-do list – and soon we find ourselves losing touch with people we once cared about. Here, experts share how to make your current friendships more of a priority – and revive the ones you’ve already lost.

How to strengthen current friendships…

Maximise small moments

“Don’t wait for grand get-togethers to nurture friendships. Send a ‘thinking of you’ message, share funny things you have seen, or record a short voice note when someone comes to mind. These quick, small interactions, although seemingly insignificant, can maintain closeness. Over time, they build a foundation of consistent connection, ensuring that your friendships remain strong, even during periods of reduced time together.” Nina Mandair, love and relationship coach

Schedule regular check-ins

“Building and maintaining strong friendships can be hard when you’re juggling work, family, and other commitments. So, dedicate time slots in your calendar for catching up with friends. It’s important to be flexible and understanding if plans change, but try to commit if you agreed to speak during a certain date and a time.” Dr Izel Caliskan, clinical psychologist at The Soke

Or have a ‘friendship hour’

“Set aside a weekly ‘friendship hour’ in your calendar and use it to send messages to your friends, to catch up on social calls, to meet a friend for a coffee or to make social plans. Dedicating this time specifically for friendships enables you to maintain social connections and strengthen relationships, even with a busy schedule. Taking breaks from work and family commitments also boosts your wellbeing.” Alison Goolnik, integrative psychotherapist at TherapyHere

Don’t let social media make you think you’re in touch

“Sometimes social media can make us feel as though we are up to date with friends’ lives, but it’s never really the full picture. So, don’t rely on this as your main form of connection. Likewise, if you’re an avid social media user, it may look like you’re living a fabulous life when underneath it all, life is not easy. A friend you haven’t seen for a while may think you are happy and all is well because they see your social media posts. So, reach out and let them know what’s going on behind the scenes – you may be pleasantly surprised at the positive reaction your friend gives you.” Nicci Roscoe, NLP practitioner and wellbeing expert

Manage expectations

“Let your friends know if you are going through a busy or difficult time and that you are finding it hard to make time for others. You can offer reassurance that this doesn’t reflect the value or importance you place on your friendship. To maintain strong friendships, it’s important to prioritise this kind of open and honest communication.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Remember to manage expectations (Photo: Tim Robberts/Getty/Digital Vision)

And remember to compromise

“Seek compromise if you and your friend have different expectations and try to find a solution that works for both of you. Imagine you and your friend both have busy lives, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to make time for each other. Instead of insisting on your preferred location, which is close to you and far from them, you could suggest a compromise: ‘How about we meet somewhere in the middle?’” Dr Izel Caliskan

Bring some romance

“Apply the same energy as you would in a romantic relationship. That means you could do things such as surprise them with things you know they’d appreciate, whether it’s sending a random bunch of flowers or organising a mystery day or night out. You can make fun friendships ‘vows’ – outlining how you hope to show up for each other. It’s important to be realistic here, noting the things you may need to work on in yourself as a commitment to the friendship.” Lorraine Collins, integrative psychotherapist

Integrate friendship into your regular routine

“When you feel too busy and overwhelmed to make time for new plans with friends, you can get them to join you on things like work and working out. For example, you can ask them to go to a coffee shop with you to work, or to join you in an exercise class at your gym, watching a movie at home or running errands together – and express gratitude for their company.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Show genuine appreciation and care

“It is important that our interactions with friends leave them feeling valued, understood, and accepted. Let your friends know what you value about them and your relationship by using words of affirmation. Instead of generic compliments, share specific reasons you value them. For example, instead of saying “you’re a great friend” you might say, “I really appreciate the way you always check in on others when they’re feeling down.” Point out specific qualities you admire in them. As humans, we focus more on our limitations, and having others highlight our positive qualities can boost our self-esteem and strengthen our bond. This could be anything from sense of humour to kindness.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Portrait of cheerful woman hugging female friend from behind while enjoying at music concert
Celebrations aren’t just for birthdays (Photo: Klaus Vedfelt/Getty/Digital Vision)

Remember celebrations aren’t just for birthdays

“Take the time to congratulate and recognise your friends’ achievements, no matter how big or small. Whether it’s through a message, flowers or a small gift, these gestures show you care. Likewise, share your own accomplishments with your friends. Celebrating together and offering frequent acknowledgment can create lasting memories and strengthen your relationships.” Alison Goolnik

See multiple friends at once

“When life is busy, it can be difficult to make enough time to see all the loved ones we want. So get your friends together and organise group hangouts – this can help you to see and connect with multiple people at once. And they might make friends with your friends that they don’t already know, which is always an added bonus. You can also take time for one-on-one chats during the gathering for deeper conversations.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Be present

“When we’re with friends, it’s easy to get distracted by other things going on around us or in our lives, which can make it hard to really connect. Undivided attention can be incredibly powerful and offering this to others can make them feel valued and important. To stay focused when meeting or talking to a friend, try this visualisation: Imagine mentally placing any worries or distractions into a locked box. Visualise the box’s shape, colour and texture. Lock it away until you’ve finished spending quality time with your friend, then you can revisit its contents. Put away distractions like your phone to show you care.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Be vulnerable

“Let your friends know it’s okay to share their feelings openly. Sharing your own experiences about things you find difficult can make them feel more comfortable. Vulnerability obviously doesn’t mean you have to share your deepest, darkest secrets. It’s about being open and honest about your feelings and experiences, even if they’re uncomfortable or challenging. To foster vulnerability in your friendships, consider sharing personal challenges, expressing your doubts and insecurities, admitting your mistakes, your feelings, such as sadness or anger. If you’re struggling, ask for advice or support – whether it’s emotional or practical. When your friend shares their struggles, show empathy and understanding. Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad or angry and reassure them that you’re there for them.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Make difficult conversations easier

“Unvoiced expectations can lead to misunderstandings and disappointment. Difficult conversations about relationships can sometimes lead to defensiveness, making it harder to communicate effectively. Express your feelings using ‘I’ statements to avoid blaming or accusing when talking about your needs and expectations from a friend. For example, instead of saying, ‘You never call me any more,’ try saying, ‘I sometimes feel lonely when I don’t hear from you for a long time.’” Dr Izel Caliskan

Improve your quality time

“Trying new things together can be a great way to spice up your friendship and create memories. Our brains release dopamine in response to novelty, which can lead to feelings of excitement and reward. On the flipside, revisiting something you both enjoyed in the past can be a nice way to strengthen a bond.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Avoid blame and accusations

“Likewise, if you are having any trouble in the friendship, be specific about the behaviour that’s bothering you, rather than attacking your friend’s character. For example, instead of saying, ‘You’re so selfish,’ try saying, ‘I felt hurt when you didn’t invite me to the dinner party’. Sometimes when we have difficult conversations about relationships, we can go into a threat mode which can make it hard to have healthy conversations.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Keep track

“Try keeping track of your friendship development almost as if it were another aspect of your wellbeing routine. Keep a list of close friends, and make a note of when you last saw them. Since life can get so busy, it can be easy to let weeks and months slide by without catching up – having a structured way to keep track of your meet-ups can help to remind you to check back in. You can also use this list to keep track of other little ways to nurture the friendships – birthdays, special occasions, plans you wanted to make together, things you want to ask them about, and so on.” Eliose Skinner, psychotherapist

Picnic in the park with friends at sunset
Keep track of your friendships (Photo: Flashpop/Getty/Digital Vision

Allow for occasional space

“Having occasional space away from each other may feel counterintuitive, but does serve to keeps it fresh and interesting. It also means you have things to share once you come back together. It demonstrates the relationship can withstand separation and still feel safe and supportive.” Lorraine Collins

…And revive the old ones

Don’t feel awkward

“It can be challenging to reconnect with a friend after drifting apart. You might feel awkward or hesitant about reaching out, worried about how they might respond and the friendship breakdown or drifting apart might trigger past wounds. Try not to worry about this: remember, the most important thing is to be genuine and open.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Start with a simple message

“It is natural to drift apart from friends when life gets busy. To rekindle a friendship, start with a simple message – acknowledge the time passed and express a desire to reconnect. Be patient and open to any response, as both of you may have evolved. Suggest meeting for coffee or a shared activity you once enjoyed. Sometimes, a little effort is all you need to reignite the spark of an old friendship.” Nina Mandair

Make it meaningful

“When you reach out to your friend and express your desire to reconnect, do it in a way that is intentional and meaningful. For example, you can communicate openly about why you want to rebuild your connection, expressing your feelings and saying what you miss about the connection.” .” Dr Izel Caliskan

Make time together count (Photo: Tim Robberts/Getty/Digital Vision)

Be honest and reflective

“Share your feelings honestly and acknowledge your own role in the distance that developed. Using ‘I’ statements can help you express your thoughts without sounding accusatory. For example, you could say, ‘I miss our late-night chats, and I think we drifted apart because we were both so busy.’” Dr Izel Caliskan

Remember the positive times

“Bring up shared positive memories or moments you had a laugh and enjoyed each other’s company. This can help spark a conversation and rekindle your connection.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Take small steps

“Don’t overwhelm your friend with lots of sudden contact: take smalls steps. That might mean you begin with a casual message or a quick phone call, especially if it has been a while since you connected. Gradually increase the contact and depth of your conversation as you reconnect and offer them space to also reflect and think about your bond.” Dr Izel Caliskan

Know when to let then go

“If there is a particular reason this person is no longer in your life, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to revive the friendship for the sake of it. A huge misconception about friendships is that if you have a history then the relationship must be your destiny, and you must be in it for the long haul. But it is okay if a friendship comes to an end. It doesn’t mean failure – far from it. It may just mean that at that period of your life you needed something different. The ultimate act of friendship is to allow the other person to be who they need to be without it being transactional.” Lorraine Collins

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