There are few of us who haven’t wished that our lives could be simpler. Our days, especially at this time of year, are filled with social obligations, familial expectations and emotional entanglements that we would much rather do without.
We entertain dreams of quitting our jobs, abandoning our responsibilities and moving to a hut in the woods or a tropical island, where we might finally have room to breathe – especially after the chaos of Christmas and with uncertainties about the months ahead.
But our lives can be simplified without these radical actions. First we need to understand the psychological factors that contribute to feeling overburdened, then learn new ways of thinking.
We’ve come up with seven ways that you can simplify your life. Some of them might sound harsh or selfish at first – but if we’re honest, perhaps they are what we need. See if they can help you.
1. Learn to say how you really feel
One of the reasons that our lives are so complicated is that many of us are very bad at saying how we really feel. So much of what ends up occupying our time – from the jobs that we do, to the people we spend time with, to the social and leisure activities we take part in – are things that, deep down, we don’t actually enjoy. We’re simply unable to admit our true feelings to ourselves, let alone to others, and so we fritter away our time on people and pursuits that don’t deserve it.
Our dishonesty is the result not of deviousness, but of fear. This is a holdover from childhood, when we were scolded for expressing our feelings and praised for putting others’ needs over our own.
The sooner we dare to own up to our true desires – no matter how odd, uncool or hurtful we fear they’ll sound – the sooner we can begin to whittle down our lives to a more manageable size.
2. See the value in lazy days
So many of us are in thrall to the cult of “busy-ness”, with our self-worth measured in terms of how busy we are. The more tasks and activities we can fit into our day, the better – while any moment spent unoccupied is a moment wasted.
This mindset isn’t only making us tired and stressed. It’s also based on a fundamental misunderstanding of what we actually need to be productive. In order to make real progress – whether that be in our careers, our relationships, or our passion projects – we need regular time to ourselves to think. Moments of supposed laziness (relaxing in the bath, say, or staring out of the window) are usually when our minds are at their most productive.
Make time for days where we do nothing more ambitious than taking a long shower and lying on the sofa.
3. Go out less
Why do we feel so much pressure to go out? Loneliness. So great is our fear of being alone, we’re prepared to suffer no end of tedious evenings (which far outnumber the great ones) to avoid it.
The trouble is that lots of social occasions can end up making us feel more lonely, not less. In an effort to conform to rigid social norms and codes – like enjoying loud music, heavy drinking or long discussions about politics – we suppress our authentic selves.
Counterintuitively, sometimes the solution to loneliness is to spend more time alone, not less – using the time to learn how to better enjoy our own company, while saving ourselves for the days and nights out that we know we’ll really love.
4. Find your true friends (and cut out the rest)
In today’s status-obsessed world, too often one’s social life is measured by the number of friends one has. More friends means more obligations, certainly – but not necessarily less loneliness. When it comes to friendship, what matters isn’t quantity, but quality.
True friendship is made up of three simple yet crucial ingredients. Our genuine friends are those who understand us in depth, who can provide an outside perspective on our problems, and who serve to broaden our sense of what is “normal” by showing us their odder, intimate sides – the parts they normally keep hidden from others.
Isolation is real and there are too many people in the UK who wish they had more friends. But often it only takes one or two close relationships for us to get the most benefits. At the other end of the spectrum, if those with very busy lives were to apply the test of those three qualities to their social circles, plenty of so-called friendships don’t really amount to much. It’s nobody’s fault, but lots of us could get by with far fewer friends than we normally suppose.
More on Friendship
5. Live more like a monk
We don’t have to be religious to see the appeal of a monk’s way of life. Cutting oneself off from the outside world – spending our days cooking, gardening and in quiet contemplation – can look, from our vantage point, like a form of bliss.
The secret to a monastic existence lies in its fusion of simplicity and dignity. One’s clothes may be modest, yet are always well-made and cared for; one’s diet is plain, yet still wholesome and healthy; one’s pastimes are few, but carried out with the utmost devotion and care.
Monks show us that there is an alternative to the noisy, overly abundant modern way of life. There’s nothing stopping us from practising a form of secular monasticism – stripping away all that is needless and trivial in order to more fully devote ourselves to the few things we really care about.
Try following the lessons of St Benedict: eat as a family while listening to someone reading (for the modern age, stick the radio or an audiobook on), soak up silence when you’ve got a big task, adopt a soothing bedtime routine and wind down early for better sleeps, and create a home that is uplifting and calming.
6. Practise “good materialism”
These days, a simpler life has become synonymous with a simpler home. There are no end of books encouraging us to declutter.
Yet materialism isn’t the enemy of simplicity. “Good materialism” is the practice of filling our homes with objects that remind us of our true emotional needs. A simple wooden chair might remind us to live more frugally, while a favourite paisley shirt might encourage us to be more spontaneous and joyful.
When deciding what possessions we do and don’t need in our home, we should determine which emotional needs they satisfy (if any), and keep only those that serve a therapeutic function.
7. Learn to “retire early” from the parts of life we don’t need
When our obligations threaten to overwhelm us, there remains one prospect to console us: our retirement. We can look forward to a time when we can finally give up on work and have the leisure to do as we please.
Of course, our lives are far too short to be spent simply waiting for their final act, by which time we may lack the energy to accomplish our present goals anyway. But that doesn’t mean we can’t retire right now, this instant – if not from work, then from parts of our lives we have no real need for.
We can, as long as we’re brave enough, retire from hobbies we no longer enjoy, from relationships that no longer suit us, and from expectations placed upon us by others. A simpler life is possible if we can find the courage to seize it.
‘A Simpler Life: a guide to greater serenity, ease and clarity’ by The School of Life is released on 6 January, £15
