Having been previously married to a man for five years, and now married to a woman for nearly four, I can vouch for the fact that there’s a world of difference between the two.
While circumstances vary hugely from one couple to the next, there’s one aspect of same-sex relationships that I think makes all the difference.
My first marriage was a traditional set-up – I took care of the kids and the home, while he went out to work. It’s a pattern that’s repeated on TV, in books and modelled by previous generations – the idea that women should support men’s careers by taking care of children and housework is deeply ingrained in our society.
A 2023 survey by Starling Bank confirmed these attitudes still have a huge effect on heterosexual relationships – women spend on average 9 hours longer than their male partners per week on household tasks, and gender is still the biggest influence on who does what around the house – more so than pay or employment status.
Being the default parent and responsibility for the mental load of household management still overwhelmingly falls to women, even if men are picking up more of their share of the tasks than in previous generations. Similarly, women are still more likely to take on unpaid work that negatively affects their ability to do paid work outside the home.
Having experienced both sides of the coin, it’s these ingrained gender roles and expectations that make the biggest difference between being married to a man and to a woman.
Even when I married my husband in 2013, there were so many traditions and expectations to keep in mind – whereas without an existing blueprint dictating what everyone was supposed to wear, do and spend money on, my wife and I could pick, choose and invent new wedding traditions based on what we truly value. She donned a gold cape and I was in cream corduroy.
But the differences didn’t end with the wedding day. When you don’t have the pressure of gendered expectations and cultural stereotypes weighing on your relationship, it’s a lot easier to approach married life more mindfully and flexibly.
Even before kids, it was made very clear that my husband’s career came first, and mine was an afterthought. Once our first child was born, because of his job, we moved away from my workplace and family support system, and I was expected to give up work to be a stay at home mum. Trying to advocate for myself fell on deaf ears, and with a baby to look after, I was in a vulnerable position and didn’t feel I had a choice.
I accepted that this was normal, and seeing this dynamic mirrored back to me in most of the other relationships I saw around me, I didn’t question whether it was in my, or my children’s, best interests.
It wasn’t until I started to spend time with single mothers that I even realised a different path was possible for me. The weight of our narrow vision of what family life can look like held us both back, and seeing women doing things differently broadened my horizons.
Research backs up my experience of a more equal partnership with a woman. Same-sex couples share household chores more equitably than their heterosexual counterparts, and a recent study of gay couples in Australia and New Zealand found that this fairer division of labour is achieved through flexibility, communication and recognising the value and importance of unpaid work.
The study’s findings ring true for my relationship. When a job needs doing, there’s no sense that one of us has an innate talent for mopping floors or painting fences. In my first marriage, it was my responsibility to cook, clean and look after the children, even if I was ill.
With my wife, what needs doing is divvied up according to our preferences, availability and energy levels. For example, as an early riser, I sort everyone’s breakfast while my wife takes the school run. Who’s going to walk the dogs or unload the dishwasher? One of us takes the initiative or we work it out together. Of course, there are always jobs that no one enjoys doing, and we get the toilets cleaned and the dogs wormed through flexibility and a sense of shared responsibility.
I also think the majority of women are raised and encouraged to put others’ needs and feelings before their own. In a perfect world, we’d all be able to speak up for ourselves without fear or guilt. But in the world we live in right now, being with another woman means my wife is inclined to put me first, and vice versa, so we have each other’s backs.
When it comes to career, I was amazed at the effect having a wife has had. I’ve grown in confidence, and am able to focus on my work knowing my wife has everything else covered when I need her to. It seems obvious now, as the world of work is still set up for those with a female partner supporting them. But before I just never questioned all the barriers there were to building my career.
Similarly, without the predetermined script, sex between two women is by nature creative, it’s not a case of acting out the man and woman role, but being responsive, present and going with the flow.
In short, when married to a man, it felt like I was there to make his life easier. With a woman, I am part of a team: in every aspect of our life together, we both matter. While plenty of heterosexual couples successfully navigate this to find the right balance for them, in my experience it takes a lot more effort to swim against the tide of generations of tradition.
