James Bhattacherjee’s anxiety about becoming a father began early on in his wife Hannah’s pregnancy. As her belly grew so did the feeling of impending doom.
It gnawed away at him and he felt he had to stay silent about it. “You’re meant to be ecstatic when you’re expecting,” he said. “I couldn’t speak out as I meant to be a total pillar of support for my partner.”
For James, his apprehension centred on not feeling good enough to take on the responsibilities of raising a child. “The well-meaning congratulations cards would say things like ‘You’ll be the perfect parents’. All I could think was, no, I won’t be, I’ll be a huge let down. The baby coming felt like I could see a freight train steaming towards me about to hit me and there was no way to jump out of its way.”
After the birth of Ted, five years ago, James moved out of home for four months, and was signed off sick from his job for nine months.
While James felt very alone at the time, in reality there are many more men going through postnatal depression (PND) than is recognised, say campaigners. There is a popular misconception it just impacts women.
Around one in 10 fathers report symptoms of depression following the birth of a child, about double the typical rate of depression in males. According to the National Childbirth Trust (NCT), more than one in three new fathers are concerned about their mental health. Yet men are not routinely screened for PND so it largely goes undiagnosed and therefore dads aren’t getting the support they need.
‘I remember thinking I have no right to feel the way I feel’
James, from Forest Hill, south east London, would often wake up throughout the night sweating while Hannah was pregnant. “People joke, ‘You don’t know what you’re letting yourself in for!’ I tried to laugh it off but in my head I was really panicking.
“I’d look at fathers out with their kids and think, ‘They’re better than me’. I remember being in tears in the car because I couldn’t set up a baby car seat. There’s the pressure of financially supporting your family, too.
“It was all a build up. I was really trying to keep a lid on it because I remember thinking I have no right to feel the way I feel. I’m not the one who’s pregnant, growing a human, exhausted, with hormones all over the place.”
James feels there’s a societal expectation that men are emotionally tougher and can cope. “When out and about everyone asks mums-to-be how they’re feeling all the time; often to the point of invasion and annoyance. But when they asked me, I just nodded and said I was fine. You’ve got to be the super hero dad.
“I didn’t feel supported at antenatal classes. I don’t know any man who would speak up in a group full of people and say they aren’t coping. You’v got peer pressure there.”
When the baby came, James said he was overwhelmed but put on a fake smile. “Hannah was rushed to surgery and I was holding Ted, with my top off for skin-to-skin contact. Everyone who went passed the door would look in and smile at me, and I forced a smile back. There is just one photo of me holding Ted in the first four months of his life, taken the day he was born, and I have a very forced smile.
“I remember thinking ‘Should I just jump out of the window?’ But I thought I’m so useless, I’ll probably just break my leg.”
‘Please just say that you love him’
After five days, worried Hannah said to her husband, “Please just say that you love him”. James said: “I just couldn’t. It wasn’t Ted’s fault, he was an embodiment of my failures it felt.
“I tried to do the right thing and take the baby while Hannah had a rest. I would just sit in the living room with Ted and cry and apologise over and over, telling him I was so sorry he had me as a father. I just thought he’d be better off without me.”
A week after the birth, James went to his GP for help and was prescribed anti-depressants. When he went back at work after taking two weeks’ parental leave he “couldn’t speak to anyone” so was signed off sick. He then went to stay with his parents, seeing Hannah and the baby twice during that period. “I couldn’t relate to anyone. Id’ abandoned my wife and child. I’d failed as a man, a husband, and now a dad.
“Hannah was incredibly patient. I know how hard it was for her, being a new mother and dealing with this. We’ve been together 17 years and I think our bond got us through it.”
James, who had experienced depression some years before over feeling “in the wrong job”, had private therapy – he wasn’t called back by the NHS about help until six months later – which he says helped enormously. At one point he cut contact with Hannah for three weeks to help him get his “head straight”.
After four months he went back to the family home, but didn’t feel ready to go back to work. Gradually, James started doing more and more with the baby and his confidence grew.
His second child Charlie was born a year ago, and he said he had a totally different experience. “I felt ecstatic holding him, I felt that bond, I understood what everyone was talking about. I love both of my boys. My experiences allow me to grasp the enormity of just how brilliant it is to be a dad.
“People are talking more about mental health which is great, however I still think there’s a stigma attached and that needs to change.”
‘Reach out for support’
PND goes largely undiagnosed in men, possibly aided by the popular misconception that the condition is caused by the hormone changes a mother experiences after giving birth.
“That’s wrong,” says Dr Will Dooley, an obstetrician who runs antenatal courses called Happy Parents, Happy Baby. “I think the impact on men is really undervalued.
“PND is not just about hormones for women. Past mental health issues can increase the risk. Any big life change, for men and women, can cause depression and anxiety.
“There’s the isolation, the lack of sleep, the sense of responsibility and expectations and that affects both genders.
“And the hormonal changes doesn’t just affect women. There are studies showing testosterone reduces in expecting and new fathers.”
Low testosterone seems to put men at higher risk for depressive symptoms, according to researchers from the University of Southern California. Some fathers can see a spike in their levels, which raises the chances of them acting hostile and aggressive.
Experts still haven’t identified exactly what causes men’s testosterone to change over the transition to parenthood. Writing for The Conversation, one of the researchers of the California study said possible reasons include proximity to the partner or infant, increased stress or disrupted sleep and exercise routines.
With men less likely to verbalise their anxiety than women and even less likely to seek support, Dr Dooley says dads need much better support to help them transition through this time. He believes incorporating care for fathers into NHS antenatal classes would be “easy enough to implement”.
“It could just be a phone call to ask ho the fathers-to-be or fathers are doing. And when we hold a session specifically for fathers they may find it hard to open up at the start but by the end they are openly sharing.”
For James, opening up has played a critical role in his recovery. “It’s often that first conversation, daring yourself to say something, that’s the hardest thing. It will be an individual thing who men feel most comfortable opening up to. It may be a partner, friend, parent, sibling, a GP or a stranger on the end of a support line. Reach out for support and know that you’re not alone in this.”
