I felt great this morning – apart from a slightly sore back, but I am 40 now, so that’s not unusual. I didn’t wake up to a “good morning” text or someone bringing me a cup of tea, because I’m single – but that’s how I like it. I had slept soundly, undisturbed by snoring, and had a sexy dream about a celebrity that I had no reason to feel guilty about.
Making the decision to stay single has brought stability and peace to my life. I know what to expect, which has removed a lot of stress. I don’t fall asleep worrying about things which are largely out of my control, like whether my partner is happy with me, whether they are being honest and faithful, or whether they see a future with me.
I don’t have any arguments and don’t have to make any compromises. It’s up to me, and me alone; if the dogs are allowed to sleep on the bed, if I splash out on some artwork I like for the bedroom, and what to watch on TV.
I haven’t always been single. I’ve dated, and had relationships with, men and women over the years. I met most of them on dating apps such as Tinder, and some were better than others. I’ve been catfished. I’ve been ghosted. I’ve been dumped by text message.
When my last relationship ended in 2020, after a year and a half or so, I lost almost everything – not just the love of my life, but other people I’d come to think of as my family, my home, my job and my savings. I had to move back in with my parents, on the other side of the country, while I sorted out somewhere else to live, and re-buy all the kitchen appliances, furniture and other household items I’d got rid of when I moved in with my partner, thinking I didn’t need them anymore. My mental health suffered greatly.
When a relationship was going well, and the other aspects of my life such as work, family and friends were too, I was 10 out of 10 happy. But when I had my heart broken, I sunk to a rock bottom that felt like minus 20. I realised that by remaining single, I could remove all risk of feeling that low again, and this was worth doing even if it meant that life was generally somewhere between six and nine out of 10, with only occasional 10 out of 10 days.
And so, for the last few years, I’ve been single by choice. I feel really lucky that, although there’s still a way to go, society has moved on from viewing single middle-aged women as less successful than women who have married and had children. Spinsters were once pitied, but now freedom and independence are celebrated.
Behavioural scientist Paul Dolan claimed, in 2019, that unmarried women without children are, in fact, the happiest subgroup in the population.
There are lots of reasons besides love that people get into, and stay, in relationships. Some do it for the perceived financial advantages. For example, it’s easier to get onto the housing ladder if there are two incomes rather than one. I was fortunate to get onto the housing ladder with some help from my parents.
Although it would be nice to have someone to split the household bills with, personally I feel better off now, financially, than when I was in any of my relationships. I’m not having to buy birthday and Christmas presents for so many people, I’m not having to think about saving up for a wedding, I’m not having to spend money on having or doing things I don’t really want.
Some people like to have a partner to help around the house and to have fun with. If there’s something I need help with, I can hire a professional. I’ve been ill recently, and didn’t have the energy to get off the sofa for a while, but my neighbour kindly asked if I needed anything.
I have friends to do fun things with, whether it’s going to a gig, trying out a new restaurant or going on holiday – though I also enjoy solo and group travel. Being single has given me the time to strengthen bonds with my friends and family.
As for sex, the longer I go without it, the less I miss it. Not that being in a relationship is any guarantee that you will have sex when you want it, in my experience.
Some want a partner to have and raise children with, but I’ve never wanted to have children of my own, and when I’ve dated people with kids, there have always been issues that have ultimately driven us apart.
I’m more than happy with the loyal companionship of my dogs. They are always there for me. They entertain me, comfort me and make me feel loved. They are never going to turn around one day and say, “Actually, this isn’t what I want any more, I’m leaving”. And because I choose to allow them to sleep on the bed, there isn’t really room for another person, anyway.
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