I cannot stand being hungover. I am an anxious person and the one thing that exacerbates that is drinking. So why can’t I put down my glass for good?
My day-to-day anxiety, for the most part, is manageable. I have found great ways to deal with it – training, therapy and sometimes medication – but when I’ve had a drink, the next day I find life almost unbearable.
I went out with friends a couple of weeks ago and I honestly had such a great night – but when I woke up the next day after four hours sleep, my anxiety was at full tilt. All I could think of was how I’d ruined my day, how I wasn’t going to get anything done, how I hadn’t gotten up with the kids in the morning. I felt like I’d let myself down.
Looking back, these were obviously ridiculous thoughts, but try telling an anxious person that. Or better still to relax – that always goes down a treat.
My sister was visiting too and couldn’t comprehend why I was so disgusted with myself. She tried to reassure me but the list of awful and untrue things I thought of myself was endless. When I’m hungover I can all too easily convince myself I am an awful person for even touching alcohol and a bad mother for feeling rough. This feeling always lifts a few days later – and then I enter an inevitable cycle of attempted sobriety, wondering if a night of fun was worth my two days of angst.
The truth is I would much rather go on a walk with a pal for a catch-up. I would say, after drinking for more than 20 years, I am falling into a pattern of trying to go longer and longer without it. Although it brings me a brief few hours of fun, the torture I put myself through on a hangover day is starting to feel ridiculous.
I wasn’t always like this when I was hungover. In my twenties I’d spend all day in bed with a Domino’s meal deal that I would graze on until I felt better.
When I try to give up booze, I usually aim for a month – but it’s this time of year that I struggle most. Summer means lovely chilled afternoons on the balcony which inevitably turns to “Ah, will we have the one?” But there simply is no “one” in my vocabulary. If I dip the toe in for one drink on a sunny day you can be sure I will be there for several more. I am what they call a binge drinker but an irregular one.
I’m not even one of those people who needs a drink after a hard day; it really is only for the purpose of a bit of fun. Two drinks in I’m the most craic version of myself, without a care in the world, and the thoughts of an impending hangover are firmly at the back of my mind. Two drinks in is my very best version of myself – and I’m aware how that sounds but it really is true.
If I am doing a live pod theatre show I will have one drink beforehand because the nerves tend to get the better of me, and one on stage: it helps me relax and be the most fun version of myself. That works well on tour because then it’s back to the hotel and on to the next show without having to worry about a hangover.
I feel like I’m on a journey to be alcohol-free but if I could figure out a way to be two-drink-drunk and stay there I would be on to something. It would also probably make me a billionaire. For now I am on a booze ban until Glastonbury, where I may have to book in some in-depth chats with my therapist the day of my return.
Vogue Williams is a TV presenter and podcaster
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