We’ve all had enough of lockdown — I’m forgiving myself for feeling exhausted

To the average passer-by on the street or the shop assistant that sees you in the local corner shop at least three times a day, the question “how are you?” will often be responded to in that quintessentially British way, ranging between “good,” “alright” and “not bad.” 

Yet more intimate conversations about the ongoing situation with friends and family members reveal a different story of the nation’s wellbeing. To quote my grandmother, we’re all “bloody bored of this rubbish,” while another family member, who is retired, said all she wants to do is “lie down”.

Work wise, one of my friends said he’s been “putting in 50 per cent effort for months now.” And finally, ending on a note which I think we all can relate to, another friend told me that she doesn’t care about the pandemic anymore, she just “really, really needs a holiday”. 

With pubs, schools and most businesses still closed, mutant strains of Covid-19 becoming an increasing concern, and a brutal third lockdown with no clear end in sight, the general consensus is that the majority of people are not ok. 

I was relieved by my loved one’s responses, because it echoed how I had been feeling since the third lockdown was announced at the start of the year.

Like many others, in the first lockdown, I shifted to working from home. I ploughed through my workload and tried to keep my routine as normal as possible, motivated by the prospect that “it would all be over in three weeks” (remember that?) 

Almost a year later, the minimal sense of optimism that carried me through lockdowns one and two has all but evaporated. The novelty of home-working has well and truly worn off. I find myself struggling to complete the tasks I would typically brush off in an hour, often feeling like I have to lie down to process the Zoom meeting I just endured.

I’m a journalist, but even to me the news has become uninteresting, and the repetitive cycle of doom and gloom meant I have quickly abandoned my lifelong morning ritual of instinctively switching on the news. To make it worse, social media has made it seem like everyone else was being productive, having landed a book deal or prematurely achieved their summer body. Meanwhile, I can barely be bothered to make dinner. 

I have been experiencing a daily sense of exhaustion that I’ve never felt before. Admittedly, I’m not the happiest I’ve ever been, but I’m not depressed, either. I feel numb — rarely feeling sad or excited about anything, instead sitting somewhere in between, residing in the plains of nothingness as days of lockdown stretched out endlessly. 

This feeling of “numbness” seems to be the mood that captures lockdown part III. Rosie Weatherley from the UK’s leading mental health charity, Mind tells me: “We know that this time of year is difficult for many people anyway, given the cold weather and lack of daylight. When you throw in a third lockdown, it’s easy to see how you might feel more stressed, anxious or depressed than normal.

“We might find that we no longer find pleasure in the things we used to, or struggle with motivation when it comes to work, maintaining relationships or even getting out of bed. Feeling numb is your brain’s way of protecting you from pain and feeling overwhelmed.”

To combat this feeling, Rosie recommends acknowledging how you feel, and making self-care a priority.  

I spent a prolonged period of time beating myself up for how I was feeling, with that annoying but persistent voice in my head trying to turn the blame inwards, passing my exhaustion off as laziness.

Then, I began to put things in perspective: it’s actually not normal to be denied the life you were used to leading for this length of time. It’s not normal to not be able to meet up with your friends for over a year. It’s not normal to expect the same level of performance from yourself when you are trying to balance work and home life within the same environment, while daily death figures dominate the news. And yes, while this may turn out to be “the new normal,” people need more than a year to adjust. I realised there was no point in punishing myself for not adapting fast enough.

Now, I’ve made peace with the fact that we are living through incredibly stressful times, and I probably will never be able to tick off everything on my to do list. When I start to feel a bit lost, instead of reaching for the remote or the bottle of wine on the kitchen counter, I try picking up a book or throwing myself into some exercise. And most importantly, I’ve discovered the power of resting and just letting myself be still.

I take regular power naps, sometimes after work or during my lunch break, and it has done small wonders for my mood and productivity. I’m trying to forgive myself more often — life is hard enough at the moment, so there’s no point being hard on yourself for simply trying your best to get through it. 

Rosie says: “Finding ways to connect with friends and family is vital— even if it’s via phone or video call. You could also try to learn a new skill or hobby, such as cooking or crafting. Building physical activity around your daily routine — especially outdoors in nature — can be helpful for both our physical and mental health. 

“If you notice changes to your thoughts, feelings and behaviours that last longer than two weeks, you should speak to someone you trust, or reach out to your GP for further support.” 

• If you need someone to talk to, the Samaritans helpline is open 24/7. You can call them on 116 123 
• For mental health support and advice, visit MIND on their website or call 0300 123 3393 

Georgia Chambers is i‘s Audience Engagement Editor