I don’t like to judge how other people handle their romantic relationships. Or, if we’re being honest, I try really hard to rein myself in when it comes to my propensity to judge other people on their romantic relationships. But I have found a new demographic of people who I’m putting in the same camp as “wearing corporate branded gilets” and “playing music out loud on their phones”, and it’s couples who use corporate software – like messaging, planning and scheduling apps – to manage their relationships.
“But Rebecca,” I hear you ask. “Surely no one is doing that?” And I wish I could confirm that to be the truth. Alas, I cannot.
According to a piece in The New York Times, there are a robust number of couples who are using work tools such as Slack, Trello, Notion, Evernote and lots of other meaningless word-named programmes, to manage their relationships.
Admittedly, most of the people quoted in this article work in tech and are drinking their own computer Kool-Aid, but sometimes niche habits that start with tech bros can make their way over the Atlantic and poison the well for normal people living sensible lives. See Huel, Teslas and Apple Watches for detail. And honestly, I think that for many of us normies, it would be a disaster.
One of my favourite parts of the week is when, on a Sunday night, my boyfriend and I sit down and go over our to-do list for the coming weeks. We check in about social plans so that I can book a babysitter for nights out and meal plan for the weekly shop. We check in about things we’ve booked, things we want to book, things we need to buy, invitations we need to accept or refuse. And through doing all that we inevitably end up talking about how we’re feeling, whether anything is bothering us, and if there’s anything either of us feel needs to be tweaked or changed about the week ahead.
I’ve often found that in a relationship, if you sit down and ask one logistical question you’ll find yourself discussing another, more emotional one. That’s good. That’s how you keep the lines of communication open and transparent.
I freely admit that I am a neo-luddite of sorts. I like my film camera, my non-digital radio and I own more notepads than I could use in a lifetime. But even if you’re more open than I am to technology, there is just no world in which instant messages should replace having an actual phone call or conversation. When you’re dead, do you really want your children to find your old online planning board, rather than handwritten notes or paper diaries?
Pre-emptive nostalgia about my own death aside, we know these tools aren’t even really the best way to communicate within a workplace, let alone at home. They mimic human interaction in order to facilitate remote working, which is better for employees because they don’t want to be in the office. But we do (or at least we should) want to be at home. We do want to be around our partners. Therefore we don’t need tools to remove the amount of time we spend talking to each other.
Anyone who has worked remotely will tell you that while solo work might be better from home (it often is), ideation, brainstorms and collaboration are better in person. It’s why hybrid working is so successful. You cannot recapture the energy of people sharing a conversation in a room.
There’s a coldness and a formality about these systems that is good for keeping respectful boundaries between colleagues. Romantic relationships aren’t like that. There’s nuance, context and subtext in everything you say to each other. Writing everything down formalises it.
Of course, I’ve found myself WhatsApping a list of things needed from the supermarket, or sending an email about something that needs to be booked. But even those moments, which might otherwise be a chance to hear each other’s voices and reconnect briefly in the middle of the day, are reducing the amount of real human contact you have with your other half.
You are supposed to enjoy talking to your romantic partner. Problem-solving and planning is part of a relationship – a nice part, if you’re getting it right. Big budget planning sessions at the kitchen table, with a bottle of wine and some snacks, or little snatched conversations throughout the day about what’s happening that evening – these are the things relationships are made of. Yes, they can be streamlined and reduced and minimised. But they shouldn’t be.
Maurice Saatchi: I used to adore capitalism – then I had lunch with Margaret Thatcher