When I first heard about surrogacy, I liked the idea of it. I know that life without children would be unbearable for me, as I have always been very maternal. Not only would I get to share the gift of fertility with another family, I thought, but I would get to help my own little family financially as well.
Paris Hilton has just welcomed a baby boy through a surrogate like me. While her mother Kathy has publicly said her daughter struggled to conceive, Hilton herself has said she did not have fertility issues, although she spoke about an IVF journey in 2021. Hilton joins a growing number of high profile women who have used surrogacy.
People use surrogates for all types of reasons. The first time I was a surrogate was in the 80s. I was 28 at the time, and had already completed my own family. I was looking for work where I could stay at home, and be with my children. So I contacted a US agency, and signed a contract. No one had really heard of surrogacy then, but the press painted a very bad picture. I remember headlines like “Born to be sold”. Some of my own family had reservations, and it did cause rifts, as the press invaded their privacy.
My own egg was artificially inseminated with the intended father’s sperm. That was the only option available to us in the 80s. A go between was used, so I never met the couple.
Baby Cotton was born on 4 January, 1985. It took seven days of high court proceedings for her to be allowed to travel home abroad with her parents, a European couple. There was no legislation on surrogacy at the time. My case triggered the UK’s surrogacy law.
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That journey left me scarred for life. I was so young and naïve and had no idea how much furore the baby’s birth would cause. As the years passed, it also hurt more and more that I did not know how the baby was doing. But I had agreed in my contract not to contact Baby Cotton after she was adopted by the couple.
My experience led me to set up COTS (Childlessness Overcome Through Surrogacy) in 1988, so other surrogates and intended parents could have better experiences. We are a non-profit organisation that helps people through surrogacy.
In 1991, I acted as a gestational surrogate for friends I had met through COTS. This surrogacy journey was worlds apart to my previous one. For a start, gestational surrogacy meant that the child I carried was not biologically related to me.
I also shared every experience with the intended mother. She came to all scans and was very hands on. She even felt her babies move inside of me. I was also older, wiser and savvier when it came to the press. We sold our story to a newspaper from day one and used the money to fund the pregnancy. The intended mother was so supportive throughout, and I was able to meet all the family too. We had twins, a boy and a girl.
Even though they were born via C-section, I was awake and could witness first-hand, the joy each of my intended parents felt holding their babies for the very first time.
The joy in that room is forever imprinted in my memory. It was magical. Becoming a surrogate is the most rewarding feeling in the world, and quite addictive.
Through my organisation COTS, 1,112 babies have been born to date, and there are another ten current pregnancies. It is something I am very proud of. Like me, our surrogates are women who love being pregnant, have completed their own families and feel driven to achieve something special in their lives.
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Surrogacy is commonplace now, in my view. Infertility can affect people from all walks of life. All the soaps have had surrogacy storylines, and it is becoming more popular among celebrities.
In the USA, money talks and you can buy anything. But we would never allow that to happen in the UK. At the moment, surrogates can only be paid for expenses – but cannot be paid to carry a child. All the couples I have dealt with are genuinely incapable of having children naturally. No one here would help someone who just could not be bothered with pregnancy. If you can’t be bothered with that first step, having children is probably not for you.
If I were to change surrogacy laws, I would make it legal to advertise for surrogates. To get around current laws, people use agencies like mine, independent Facebook groups or ask family and friends to spread the word.
Children would have the intended parents on their birth certificates from day one too, especially when the child is biologically theirs. Currently, it can take up to six months for a parental order to be granted. Only at this point does the surrogate’s legal responsibility transfer to the parents.
I would also say surrogate expenses are too much of a grey area. The average nowadays is about £15,000 spread over nine months. Family court judges usually accept this amount, but clarification would be good.
People have qualms about payment for surrogates, but IVF specialists are paid for treatment and lawyers are paid for advice, so why shouldn’t surrogates receive payment for all their hard work? To me, that is wrong.
My new favourite film genre? Gentleman twee