Listen, I get it. It’s cold – bitterly so. So cold that I’ve broken one of my conversational rules and actually engaged in weather chat (something I normally loathe, no matter how much that puts me odds with my fellow countrywoman). But then I loathe the cold more than I loathe animated exchanges about whether it’s going to rain or not, and so I will happily complain.
Being cold can make us behave differently; it can make us retreat and think that we want things we don’t, all in a bid to stay warm, cosy and safe. A freezing snap can see the most hardened party animal retreat to their lair for a bit and want to hibernate. But that is not their normal state, nor how they want to live. Such behaviour does not make them thrive.
This strong lure of the cosy, especially at this time of year, is why some women I know have been intrigued and even jealous of Sweden’s “soft girl” trend that celebrates women, often without kids, quitting work. These women I know are tired and quite fancy an allegedly easier, softer life. Especially if they are working and raising children.
I remember craving such a break at the end of my twenties. After a decade of hustling, working and playing hard, I just wanted to cut loose, chill and travel. I even thought maternity leave might be like that. How I ruefully laughed when I finally got to that period of “leave”, only to find out there was no leave and chill involved. False advertising much?
Aside from the fear of losing the foothold that I had clawed for myself in media, there was one major problem: cash. And the lack of it, if I were to let myself have such a life. Because there was no way I was sponging off my husband or anyone else. I simply couldn’t and wouldn’t enjoy such a period without feeling guilty. So I carried on working instead and went on some epic adventures during my holidays.
One 25-year-old Swedish woman that one of my BBC colleagues interviewed in a report about this soft girl trend explained that she had quit work – which had included jobs in shops, care homes and factories – a year earlier to become a “stay at home girlfriend”. She claimed that she had never been happier.
“My life is softer,” she said. “I am not struggling. I am not very stressed.”
Her boyfriend gives her a salary from his money that he made working remotely in finance and if she needs more, she’ll ask. Feeling any less cosy about this vibe yet?
Putting aside the very large issues of, you know, feminism, equality and why on Earth men should pay for women’s lives, (and yes I know the arguments that feminism is all about choice – I’ve hosted many a debate on Woman’s Hour on such an issue) and parking the irony of this happening in a country lauded for its gender equality record, the lure of a cosy home life for women is catching on for other understandable reasons.
The cost of living crisis and the changing property market in many countries mean that salaries today simply do not achieve what they used to. This is why similar trends such as “quiet quitting”, where people come to work and do the bare minimum, are also spreading.
Then there is the impact of lockdown and its revelation that there are two tiers of jobs: those that can be done from home, and those that can’t. Women also typically take on many more household chores and parenting tasks than men (when they live in such set-ups), fitting work in and around household duties.
The right for many more people to work flexibly and from home has been lauded as progress and proved especially helpful for those with caring duties. But an alarm call is also being sounded, because what might look like a helping hand for women may also be hindering them.
Debbie Crosbie, the chief executive of Nationwide, Britain’s biggest building society, voiced this concern on the Today programme last week. She is concerned that working from home could harm women’s careers because they are less likely to come into the office than their male colleagues because they tend to do that stressful juggle of work and childcare.
She said: “My watch out, though, is that what we find, certainly at Nationwide, is that men are more likely to come into the office than women, and we just need to be really careful that we don’t prevent women from accessing the development-watching.
“I benefited enormously from watching some really excellent leaders and how they navigated challenging problems.”
Many women will have neither the option not to work nor to work from home. There will also be those who cannot afford childcare and have been effectively forced out of the workforce.
But to those women who might be craving or leaning into a softer, “easier” and safer life, I say this: you need both. A balance of the hard and the soft. The things that scare you sometimes and the things that make you safe. There ought to be some risks. Not everything should be warm, comforting and imbued with self-care. You still need the energy generated by meeting new people or even the chance conversations that happen when you are properly out in the world in situations you cannot predict.
Women still need to be hungry for a life that isn’t all soft and have others see them accordingly. And, as Crosbie points out, it is also important to learn from others and forge strong connections.
Life is for living. It can still be full of hot baths, candles and fitness – but there has to be more, because women haven’t come this far to start taking steps back.
Watching
The TV series Shrinking. This feel-good, sun-drenched series about a group of psychiatrists comes from the brains of those behind the other Apple feel-good show: Ted Lasso. Harrison Ford leads a cast that quickly feel like family. And of course, all of the shrinks have their own psychological issues. Meta, funny and humane. Binge away.
Listening to
Cush Jumbo’s Origins podcast. As a major fan of Good Wife, I have loved Jumbo for a long while and I was lucky enough to see her take on Hamlet. Imagine my delight to be able to tune into a conversation between her and her former Good Wife colleague – the stunning Julianna Margulies. It feels like proper eavesdropping, which I am definitely in the market for.
Seeing
The National Theatre’s new production of The Importance of Being Earnest. I wish I could plug myself into the energy that this exquisite production is fizzing with. Ncuti Gatwa and Hugh Skinner are simply marvellous but it is Lady Bracknell, played majestically by Sharon D Clarke, that lives longest in the memory afterwards. I felt sheer delight at her delivery of Oscar Wilde’s acerbic putdowns.
