Is a good deed actually a good deed unless someone else sees it? Did you really donate money to your mate’s marathon effort unless you can display your full name next to the £15 contribution you decided was socially acceptable? If a tree falls in the forest, is Rio Ferdinand there to be videoed replanting it? These are the pressing questions of our times.
Ahh Rio. Great centre-back, dire pundit, even worse actor. His latest short film is clearly self-directed, but it’s let down by the camerawork.
In this 10-second Twitter humblebrag-cum-inadvertent-meta-comedy entitled “Respect the Badge”, Ferdinand ominously strolls towards a rug with the Real Madrid logo on it, apparently unaware of the grave danger ahead.
Armageddon nearly breaks out as he almost steps on said rug, but thankfully our hero stops, as if spotting an impending puddle of radioactive waste. He then averts his path, apologising to the oversized piece of felt as he passes.
A relieved Ferdinand then nonchalantly wanders towards the pitch, but somewhat breaks character to collect his phone, revealing he was the brains behind the operation all along. And, scene.
In its entirety, it is among the most tragic pieces of football content ever produced.
Here is a former footballing titan, winner of six Premier League titles and 81 England caps, reduced to asking someone if they’ll film him not treading on the badge of a club he has no affiliation to, for validation from strangers and bots on social media.
This clip of a 45-year-old playing “the floor is lava” is the unfortunate next step in the increasing weaponisation of footballing “classy touches” as part of the content machine. Perennial away dressing-room sweeper Mark Noble has only been retired two years, and we’ve already descended into this circle of self-advertising hell.
It’s not that the actual acts behind #classytouch discourse and its requisite clapping emojis aren’t kind or decent, it’s that the content they create are the height of banality, rapidly developing its own cottage industry of vacuous noise.
There’s something remarkably fawning about it all, indicating that footballers aren’t also expected to do basically decent human things like cleaning up after yourself or congratulating a victorious opponent. This assumption only fuels the idea that athletes can get away with poor behaviour and general rudeness by sheer virtue of their sporting talent.
Badge-wankery is the modern forefront of the #classytouch – least possible effort, least possible meaning. We’ve seen it more and more in recent years, with Jude Bellingham its bandbox face. Such classy and respectful figures as serial biter Luis Suarez and convicted rapist Dani Alves have also been high-profile advocates for not standing on certain areas of the floor.
The Etihad has become a bizarre hotbed for badge avoidance, largely due to the massive logos printed into the carpet en route to the pitch. You can’t help but wonder – if the club themselves cared so deeply about the sanctity of their badges, would they have inlaid them in front of a door?
Of course, this performative respect isn’t remotely about the respect and is entirely about the performance, conveniently filmed to fuel the insatiable content machine. If players think standing on a printed rug on is quite such a crime, they’re going to have an aneurysm when they hear what I’ve been drying with my club-branded towel.
Ferdinand’s previous tweet before his brief foray into filmmaking was a reply to Piers Morgan after Manchester United’s defeat at Crystal Palace. “Hey #moobs,” he wrote. “Make sure ya tuck them moobs in ya long johns while jumping around and gloating over our embarrassing performance tho.” Now that’s respect.
This isn’t even Ferdinand’s first run-in with the Real Madrid badge. Just last year, TNT Sports placed their presenting plinth in front of a Real Madrid logo rug.
Ferdinand filmed his and Joe Cole’s disgust at potentially being asked to stand on it. “You can’t do that man” he whined. It’s feasible he’s been planning the sequel since.
Can we please collectively agree to curb these performative charades, stop entirely stripping the word “classy” of its meaning? If a footballer wants to do something kind or respectful, just let them do it without filming. Don’t encourage a culture where the only reason to do good is public appreciation and admiration.
And certainly don’t encourage a culture where an ex-player feels the need to embarrass themselves on video to classlessly attempt to demonstrate their own class. Walk on badges, refuse to stand for guards of honour, don’t give that whiny kid with a sign made by their parents your shirt.
Do good because you want to, not because you feel the need to, or because someone’s watching. The sooner we stop prosaic, self-congratulatory nonsense like Ferdinand’s video or general badge avoidance, the sooner footballers can focus on actually doing something about the genuine issues within their game.
