My physician, Dr. Louis Katz, enthusiastically offered to perform, on me, what is generally acknowledged to be one of the most painful outpatient procedures know to man–adult circumcision. He also faxed me some nasty pictures of a bris in progress, casting a pall over an otherwise lovely afternoon.
Why was I contemplating losing my curtains?
On March 29, the Central Conference of American Rabbis gave a historic but tentative thumbs-up to same-sex unions. This prompted my bloke (Jewish) and I (spiritually bankrupt) to fantasize about having a hugely schmancy Jewish wedding.
I called every upscale J.A.P. in my phone book and pumped her for the most up-to-date info. Here, for the use of all denominations and proclivities, are the results of my exhaustive research.
The Wedding Planners
If you don’t engage the services of Perl & Berliner Inc. (201-224-0034), your wedding will be a total shonda . Seventeen-year veterans of “the industry,” Gail and Carol are anal-retentive, emotional shock-absorbing unlicensed therapists whose mission in life is to lower the mishegoss factor.
Their legendary diplomacy skills know no boundaries: mediation between the first wife and the irate second wife over monies spent on a bride who is the fruit of the first wife’s loins; supervising firefighters as they chop down a bathroom door after granny’s gin intake has rendered her unconscious on the john; sewing knocked-up brides into bursting bodices minutes before the glass-breaking; subduing imploding wedding cakes, the butter-cream filling of which has become chemically volatile; chasing brides around the dance floor with miniature scissors to trim their rapidly shredding trains. If lowbrow hubby wants pigs in a blanket, Mom need never know; Gail and Carol will simply redub them “saucissons en croûte.”
Gail and Carol charge a flat fee–but be warned that in the less-is-more-expensive world of wedding aesthetics, costs can mushroom. “A linen napkin with hand-faggoting can rent for $7.50!” said Gail.
Which brings us seamlessly to the sensitive topic of same-sex unions. P. & B. are unfazed; after years of navigating mother-daughter psychodramas, even the shrillest poofter wedding would be “a walk in the park.”
What to Wear?
Über-J.A.P.’s highly recommend Candice Solomon of One-of-a-Kind Bride (212-645-7123). Based on the idea that “a curvy Jewish girl cannot always wear a liquid column,” Candice, a self-confessed drama queen and a John Galliano fan, builds a couture frock from the inside out. Prices range from $5,500 to $10,000. She has never done a same-sex couple but would be happy to. Her only reservation: “The butch chick might have to get herself a rental–I only do femmy.”
The Cake
Sylvia Weinstock Cakes Ltd. (212-925-6698). Kosher and otherwise, sugar flowers a specialty, $350 and up. As we chatted in her atelier de gâteau on Church Street, versatile Sylvia was putting the finishing touches on a birthday cake. She had elected to highlight the erotic life style of the recipient by installing a sugar icing teddy bear in a leather harness.
I challenged her to design a cake for my ceramacist fiancé and me: “I’d make you a cake like a potter’s wheel, and I’d have you emerging from one of Jonny’s pots–whirling out of the center!”
Colette is also highly recommended (212-366-6530).
The Flowers
Robert Isabell (212-645-7767), official florist of the Tisch-Steinberg wedding, the nuptials of the Miller sisters, etc., has, shockingly, never done a same-sex commitment ceremony. His explanation: “Gay men do their own flowers.” Good point.
Mr. Isabell effortlessly disgorged a dreamy concept for our wedding, “Cornflower boutonnieres. Fantastic on a gray morning suit. An 11 o’clock wedding. In the summer. Under trees. Near
Morning suits? On my short boyfriend, and my even shorter self? We’d look like a couple of ventriloquist dummies.
Renny Reynolds (212-288-7000), the other de rigueur florist, was also having a pastoral moment. “Meadowy” is the mot du jour , “but no baby’s breath –unless used architecturally!”
The Registry
Renny has a great idea: register for flowers for the country house. (Gardening is the new sex.) Gay couples and second-marriage couples already have all the tchotchkes they need.
Fashion victims should register at Barneys and Bergdorf Goodman. After the wedding, be sneaky: convert those registry shekels into clothing and accessory purchases; buy your china later when you start cooking at home.
Wedding Photography
Denis Reggie Photographers (404-873-8080). He has shot over 16 Kennedy weddings and authored the photojournalistic approach to wedding photography.
Fred Marcus Photography (212-873-5588), now run by son Andy, will give you both photojournalism and portraiture; two wedding albums plus a video go for $9,000 and up.
Six months ago, Andy was approached by two gentile lesbian midgets to photograph their commitment ceremony. Andy, who astutely saw the Diane Arbus-ish potential of this portfolio-building assignment, was devastated when they bagged. His fervor to photograph us made me wonder if we weren’t some kind of substitute.
If the fear of penile torture is still causing you to procrastinate (I know I am) consider the following: Once you get the chop, you are–regardless of age–entitled to your very own bar mitzvah!
The gifts! The ice sculptures! Whooooo !
