We all have within us the underlying fear of separation, which includes abandonment and rejection.  This universal dread comes from the human need to belong originally for survival purposes. But, in today’s society, the sense of belonging and connection with others is vital. 

We’ve all experienced different forms of rejection and loss of connection with others, and we don’t like how it feels, which compounds the fear of separation within us.  We need to be wanted, respected, and valued by others.  The ego uses this angst in ways that can keep us separated instead of finding ways to move past to a place of unconditional love. 

My biggest fear is that everyone will abandon me.  It comes from physically being put out onto the street by my mother with my little sister at the age of eleven, 2000 miles away from home.  This event affected every part of my life for decades in unexpected ways. 

When you are fearful, you are separate from the divine. ~ Bert McCoy

What Triggers Put Us In a State of Fear?

Innocuous situations would trigger me.  If my sister were upset with me and gave me the silent treatment, the egoic voice in my head would start an endless tirade of my unworthiness.  When another person doesn’t communicate with us verbally, it speaks volumes.  As they ignore us, our egoic mind starts the internal dialogue, and despite the silence, the screaming in our heads batters us into a fearful state. 

Why did I have to say that she was bothering me?  Now she thinks I don’t want her around.  Maybe she did this so she wouldn’t have to be around me because she never loved me after all.  I don’t deserve her loyalty anyway, were just family, she has to deal with me because I’m her sister.  She had no choice, and if she did, she would leave anyway….

This internal dialogue causes more problems than actually going to my sister and apologize for my insensitivity and harsh words. Still, my ego kept this conversation going for decades with everyone that came into my life thus perpetuating the fear of separation.  So, an argument with someone important in our lives can trigger us 

Other triggers occur when relationships end through a divorce, a move, or death, ordinary experiences of life.  Even when they deepen as in both situations, we are vulnerable as our fear is exposed.  When we rely on others, or they rely on us, and the relationship ends for whatever reason, our anxiety can be triggered. 

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved. ~  Mother Teresa

Forcing People to Leave Me

Due to this universal fear of separation, I displayed certain behaviors that affected my relationships in such a negative way that it would inevitably lead to what I feared, the person would abandon me.  Since I believed that everyone would leave me, I unconsciously created the situations in which I forced people to do so. 

This scenario played out more than once in my life and occurred the same way each time.  I would befriend someone, and we would get to know one another and have a good time.  Then just before the relationship would need me to be vulnerable, I would do something that would sabotage the friendship usually by pulling away.  This way, I held the upper hand and choice to end the relationship before I got hurt, even if there were no signs that the friendship had any problems. 

Another way this is displayed is through clinginess.  According to my husband, when we first got married, I was very clingy and always wanting us to be together and demanded all of his attention.  He was very accommodating for a while, as he was aware of my abandonment issues.   But eventually, he helped me overcome the clinginess as I learned to trust him, and despite me trying to push him away, he never wavered.  We are still together after 22 years. 

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. ~  Tim McGraw

Other Behaviors Based on Fear of Separation

We all react differently to situations we find ourselves in, so it makes sense that you will display fears of abandonment differently than I did.  Here are some common ways these behaviors take shape:

• Attach to people even when they are unavailable to be in a relationship with you.
• Not willing to commit to any long term relationships.
• Only have acquaintances instead of investing time in friendships, so attachment doesn’t occur. 
• People-pleasing behaviors to keep others from rejecting you or your ideas.
• If committed to an unhealthy relationship, there is an unwillingness to leave.
• Insecurity about being worthy of love keeps you from reaching out to others. 
• It’s hard to trust others.
• You’re overly critical of others yet hypersensitive to being criticized. 
• Intense feelings of separation anxiety.
• There are jealous feelings when you see others getting along well with their friends.
• Overthinking and trying to find hidden meanings to what others are saying and doing takes a lot of your time.
• Internal dialogue about how you’re at fault for whatever situation you find yourself.
• Not being in control is exceptionally upsetting to you.
• There are anger issues you deal with regularly. 
• Intimacy on any level is disconcerting for you. 

If you see a pattern of behaviors for yourself in the list above, it’s the first step in overcoming the fear of separation because now you are aware of what you’re doing.

Separation has nothing to do with distance… ~ Nitya Prakash

Awareness Enables Us to End Fearful Behaviors

Now that you are aware of the patterns of behavior and mindsets that keep us in a state of fear, we can consciously alter our actions as we move forward.  When you see yourself begin to feel fearful of separation, ask yourself what’s causing this feeling.  Is it triggering a negative memory?  What’s happening not that justifies the belief, or is the egoic mind at work?

If it’s the ego at work, elect to replace the thought with something based on your awareness of the present moment.  In the now, all is well, so choose to believe in the positivity of the existing state. 

If you are experiencing negative feelings, are they resulting in physical manifestations?  When fearfulness took over, I would have stomach issues.  It eventually turned into panic attacks.  Notice how your body reacts to the thoughts the ego is directing, which causes our suffering.  Sinking stomach, nausea, hyperventilating, and then I passed out from holding my breath, a lot of physical signs all caused by the egoic mind.

Have the experience of the fear of separation and then let it go.  Remind yourself that the situation is not what your mind says it is.  Instead, focus the mind on your breath.  Take your hand, place it on your heart, and breathe deeply and slowly three times.  By doing this, your parasympathetic nervous system will automatically calm itself.  This simple tool can be used to bring you back into the present moment and regain control from the egoic mind.  

There is love in holding, and there is love in letting go. ~ Elizabeth Berg

Strategies for Living Fearlessly

Here are four strategies to incorporate into your daily life so that you can learn to overcome the universal fear of separation.

• Assess Risk

Look at the situation and determine what the risk is for you.  If, for whatever reason, a relationship ends, what is the worst-case scenario for you?  There will be sadness and a loss, but there are other friends and connections that will help you get through this time.  For unhealthy relationships, it’s an opportunity to create better associations and learn that you deserve better. 

• Journal the Fear Away

Writing about what scares you and, more importantly, writing about the solutions you can implement so you can move past it, is a vivid way of mentally showing yourself that you can overcome the egoic fear.  It also allows you to dig deep and uncover the root of the anxiety so that you can deal with the underlying cause. 

• Reframe Internal Dialogue

We all have negative stories we continuously tell ourselves, that internal dialogue of the egoic mind to keep us fearful.  Since we are now aware of this discourse, we can now alter the information it’s been telling us to more positive statements to build us up instead of keeping us fearful. 

• Remember the Successes

We have all already overcome fears to get to where we are today.  We all took risks to get here, so remember that you’ve already been courageous.  Therefore the situation now can be overcome because you’ve done it before.  The ego tricks you into believing that the only outcome that can occur is a negative one, which is a lie. 

There’s no separation between self and other, and everything is interconnected. Once you are aware of that, you are no longer caught in the idea that you are a separate entity. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Build a Community of Connections

Understanding the triggers of your fearful behaviors and utilizing strategies to live fearlessly is essential to build the feeling of belonging, which helps alleviate the universal fear of separation.  The easiest way for us to dispel the egoic belief that we will be rejected is to release the fear and build connections with a community of people, our tribe. 

By building a group of close relations, we allow for variety as well as mitigate the reliance on a single person.  Finding like-minded people isn’t difficult.  Search for those who share your interests, hobbies, dreams.  These new-found friends can help build confidence, give support, and provide social networking. 

You can also strengthen the connections you already have.  Learn actively listen to what the person is saying by giving all of yourself to the communication process.  Communicate authentically with honesty and kindness means you have to be specific in your communication.  Clearly express your appreciation and gratitude for the relationship you have.  Reciprocate the respect and support you feel from the other person.

Don’t stress yourself with the drama of the world; the creator, observer witness, and one experiencing are all one; you need to understand the illusion of separation, and all stress will disappear. ~ Yogesh Desai

Moving Forward Past the Fear of Separation

We all create our own fears by listening to the egoic mind.  Therefore we all have the power to dissolve the distress too.  When we hear the authentic voice of the soul and are awakening to who we are, overcoming the egoic mind is a natural process. With the newly formed loving connections supporting us, we can help one another dare to overcome the universal fear of separation. 

Separation becomes a fact the moment the seed of life takes. Choose to; you could imagine life as a series of separations – birth, leaving home, losing a beloved, death. Those are among the normal separations, the ones you are expected to stand up to. You adjust to them and move to the next stage. ~  R.J. McCarthy

As you become more conscious of your life and become aware of how the ego triggers your fear of separation, you can empower yourself to overcome.  If you would like to receive more informative and mindful articles right into your mailbox, fill this out now.

Do you need support in moving past the egoic mind driven by fear?  Do you want a strategy to help you overcome the fear in your life? If so, please, contact me, and we can put together an action plan for you to be authentically you and for you to create the life you desire.

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Summary

Article Name

Daring to Overcome the Universal Fear of Separation

Description

The universal fear of separation can be overcome once we are aware of how the egoic mind uses it against us. Here are ways to overcome the fear of separation.

Author

Terri Kozlowski

Publisher Name

Kozmic Soul Solutions LLC

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