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December 10, 2024 at 9:36 am #440062

anita
Participant

Dear Jana:

Thank you for sharing more. I really enjoy reading from you. I understand that reading long posts on your phone can be challenging and that you might be busy. It’s perfectly okay if you don’t read any part or all of my post. Writing this helps me understand myself and others better, which is my passion. If you have the time and feel up to it, I hope the information will be helpful for you too.

In your two recent journal entries, you expressed feelings of low self-esteem (a dominant feeling growing up ad onward, until quite recently!)

You expressed sensory overload (which has been true to me.. until recently, way less of it). A note about sensory overload: it occurs when one or more of the body’s senses are overstimulated to the point where it becomes overwhelming, leading to feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, irritable, unable to focus or function properly, and having a strong urge to escape the situation. Sometimes a sensory overloaded person experiences headaches, dizziness, or nausea. Common triggers: constant or sudden loud sounds, bright lights, crowded spaces, strong smells, textures and touch, and in my case: my own body’s sensations like physical pain (however small) and physical discomfort (like wearing tight clothing).

For a sensory overloaded person, it is recommended to remove oneself from the triggering environment if possible, to practice deep breathing exercises to calm down, to use earplugs or noise-canceling headphones to reduce noise, white noise machines when trying to sleep, and to have a predictable routine because it helps reduce unexpected sensory input.

You shared that you are an introvert (I was, very much so.. until recently.. well, way less now!) A note about being an introvert: it means that a person tends to be more focused on their internal thoughts and feelings rather than seeking external stimulation, feeling recharged by spending time alone or in quiet, calm environments. We tend to think deeply and reflect on our thoughts and experiences before (and if) we respond, usually preferring smaller social gatherings rather than large crowds, and we have a few close friends (if any) rather than a wide social circle. Introverts are usually more sensitive to sensory input (see sensory overload above).

There is a myth about introverts, which is that introverts are unfriendly or anti-social, which in regard to many introverts is not true: introverts can be warm and friendly, they simply need more time to open up to others.

You expressed feelings of alienation, of not Fitting In, of being out of place/ an outcast in a society that values extroversion and career success (very true to me.. until recently). Interestingly, there are extroverts who also have these feelings sometimes or even regularly.

In your recent journal entry you shared: “While I believe that my mother’s behavior definitely influenced me, I feel that these feelings of being an outcast come more from the society that I grew up in and still partially find myself in… Being introverted and sensitive is considered a weakness. Being interested in spiritual development rather than a career is very often mocked and considered silly and impractical“-

– true: western societies, especially in the United States, often celebrate extroverted traits like assertiveness, sociability, and outward confidence. These traits are frequently associated with leadership and success. There is a strong focus on career achievement, financial success, and tangible accomplishments. As a result, spiritual pursuits can be viewed as secondary or even impractical.

In societies where productivity and efficiency are highly valued, traits like sensitivity and introversion are seen by many as less compatible with the fast-paced, competitive nature of the workplace, and spiritual development, which often emphasizes personal growth and introspection, is seen by many as less valuable in comparison to achieving material success and financial stability.

Historical context: the Industrial Revolution and the rise of capitalism, have shaped societal values toward productivity and extroverted behavior.

Also, media and popular culture often glorify extroverted heroes and successful businesspeople, reinforcing the idea that these traits are necessary for success, and from a young age, individuals are often conditioned to believe that being outgoing and career-focused is the path to success, leading to a devaluation of introverted and sensitive traits.

* But there is a growing movement toward holistic success, which is about redefining what it means to be successful, emphasizing a balanced approach that nurtures the mind, body, and spirit alongside professional achievements: companies like Google and Microsoft offer comprehensive wellness programs that include gym memberships, mental health support, and mindfulness sessions. Schools and universities are incorporating emotional intelligence and well-being courses into their curriculums to support students’ holistic development.

You shared: “When somebody asks me: ‘And what about you?’ I just say ‘Good.’ ‘Nothing special.’ ‘We are happy.’ and I am not able to share more, it is a part of my introversion that I simply don’t have a need or even an ability to share details from my personal life“- this behavior is commonly associated with introversion, where individuals often feel more comfortable keeping their personal experiences and feelings private. In my brand of introversion, I was either unaware of how I was feeling, sort of frozen/ dissociated when asked questions, or ashamed of what I was feeling, and/ or conflicted and troubled.

I was very quiet most of the time in social settings, and when asked questions, I too answered very briefly. My very short, general, non-specific answers were misperceived by some, I have no doubt, as a disinterest or reluctance to engage. Truth was I was eager to engage, just didn’t know how. And I was afraid to say something that will cause others to condemn, reject and get angry with me.

You shared: “I heard many times other people say to me: ‘What’s wrong with you?’ ‘Why don’t you say something?’ ‘Why don’t you socialize more?’ ‘It’s strange you like being alone.’ ‘How can you live like this?’ This makes me think that I am different and strange for others. And I expect new people, new colleagues etc. to think the same.“- it’s disheartening to read that you’ve been subjected to such comments, which reflect a lack of empathy and a lack of understanding and acceptance of introverted personalities. These remarks create social pressure to conform to extroverted norms to be accepted.

Hearing comments like “What’s wrong with you?” and “How can you live like this?” are damaging to a person’s self-esteem. They suggest that your natural way of being is incorrect or strange, leading you to feel different or alienated.

Based on these past comments, it’s easy to expect similar judgmental comments from new people or colleagues, which creates anxiety and hinders your ability to function well in social settings, professional and otherwise.

* Here are possible responses to the question: “What is wrong with you?“-

(1) There is nothing wrong with me; what’s wrong with you??? (an aggressive response.. not recommended in most settings).

(2) Nothing’s wrong with me, I just enjoy my own company a lot! (a 😊 response).

(3) Nothing at all. I’m simply introverted and that’s perfectly normal (an assertive response).

(4) Actually, I’m an introvert. It means I get my energy from being alone rather than from social interactions. (an educational response).

(5) I am an introvert: I find peace in my own space. It’s what works best for me (a personal preference response).

Which response reads preferrable to you, Jana? Mine is #5. If the person responds in a friendly, goodwill kind of way to my answer.. I will express a willingness to engage with him/ her in an honest conversation!

anita

December 10, 2024 at 2:13 pm #440077

Helcat
Participant

Hi Jana

I’m sorry to hear that people criticise you for your introverted ways. I think that is very rude and counter intuitive. If you want to interact with someone more, you don’t criticise them, you be nice to them. All they are telling you by doing that is communicating their hurt feelings and making you feel like they don’t want to socialize with you. They are not caring about how you feel.

I have some advice because I am similar in that I don’t like gossip and don’t engage in it. What I tend to do instead is tell stories about interesting things in my day. People like to feel included in your life because it is a bonding experience, but it 100% doesn’t have to be anything sensitive. I am still trying to work on sharing things about myself more. It’s a work in progress.

I do however engage in positive “gossip”. I freely say nice things about other people. I think that this perfectly acceptable.

I shut down after about an hour in social situations. I personally enjoy petting the dog in the room the socialising is happening in. I just listen and pet and play with the dog when I’m tired. It would probably be okay to go on your phone for a bit too. I think that people are aware that I flag out and they just don’t mind because I stay in the room and I’m not trying to be rude. I’m trying to say that it is perfectly acceptable to not interact and do self-care in the same room as others, it is the leaving that they get upset with. You can also be polite and go to the bathroom when you need a break. This is seen as socially acceptable. Preparing food for socialising is also seen as socially acceptable. Going outside to chill with the dog and being in a separate room to go on your phone is not seen as socially acceptable.

I hope this is helpful, it is just what I learned over the years.

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

December 11, 2024 at 8:07 am #440099

Jana 🪷
Participant

Hello Anita and Helcat,

thank you for sharing your opinions and experiences with me. It is really helpful! And I am happy that I found my online sangha here. 🙂

When somebody asked me what was wrong with me, I answered that I was perfectly fine with a smile and asked the person if he or she needed anything from me. I think I am quite good at dealing with both implicit and explicit criticism against my personality. I am not easily thrown off balance by criticism, which was very common when I was younger. But I do feel affected by the words later, maybe when I think about it too much or I have my introvert hang-over.

You asked me what I do for my self-care, self-soothing. I always remind myself that I am not only a suffering. I am not only this feeling of alienation. I am also a feeling of growing independence and joy. I am capable of understanding and compassion. And I am determined to be better.

I remind myself that I have already overcome worse feelings and problems – very complex social phobia. And I am proud. But not too proud! But it is a reminder for me that I am able to overcome really deep negative emotions and uneasy feelings. The thing is that I too often let myself carry away and fall into my forgetfulness, running habit energy.

I tell myself some nice words. I smile at myself in the mirror. I hug myself. And if it is not enough, I ask my partner for extra hugs. 🙂 He doesn’t care what others say. He stands by me and say “You are my little Buddha, peaceful and wise.” He told me many times that he finds my quiet and calm personality attractive and important. He is the person who needs peace and stability in relationship (no drama, no mind games, …) and I give it to him through my introverted personality. And I feel loved and respected. I remind myself that I have him and that’s a gift after all the years of suffering. And I don’t take him for granted. His opinion is more important than others’ because I spend my life with him, not others.

journal (Dec 11, 2024, at 10:25)

So, I have taken a more active role in our relationship. I promised that here. I ask him if he needs my help and I ask him if everything is okay when he seems to be tired. He is very responsive to my care.

He got over the dissapointment of not being promoted. We discussed together that it was actually a good thing in the end, because the top management is so moody that they could end up firing him after a year. Now, he has a stable job with a very good salary by Czech standards.

He has a holiday this week and he spends a lot of time with our dog. She is so happy that her “daddy” is home and requires his constant presence. 😅 I think she will be soooo sad when he gets back to work.

We will have a lot of visitors over the next two weeks, his colleagues, his friends, my parents. I will have a lot of opportunities to socialize as an introvert. I’ll see how it goes. 🙂

He supported me a lot when I was worried about my working life. He told me that I should continue in ono-to-one lessons because I can balance my work time and alone time better this way. I agree. I am going to update my websites, upload more teaching materials on my pinterest and I will create a new CV and send it to a language company which provides conversation lesson just by phone calls. I think my experiences might be useful for them. I will see. 🙂

☀️ 🪷

December 11, 2024 at 11:17 am #440154

anita
Participant

Dear Jana:

You are welcome, and thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I am truly inspired by your resilience and the effective self-care practices you’ve developed over time.

Your ability to handle criticism with grace and maintain your composure is commendable. It shows significant personal growth and strength. And it’s perfectly okay to feel affected by criticism later on, even if you handle it well in the moment. Continuous awareness and acceptance of your feelings are very important in your journey of self-discovery and growth.

It’s heartwarming to read about the support you receive from your partner. Having someone who appreciates and understands your introverted nature and provides unconditional support is invaluable. The way you describe your partner’s support as a gift after years of suffering is beautiful and shows how much you value and cherish this relationship.

Reading your new journal entry, I see that you’ve been very thoughtful and proactive in both your relationship and personal growth. I love how you’ve taken a more active role in supporting your partner. It’s clear that he appreciates your attentiveness and care. His support during your career worries is wonderful, and his advice makes a lot of sense.

Your dog must be so happy with all the extra time with her “daddy”. Pets bring so much joy, and it’s heartwarming to see how she responds to him.

You have a busy few weeks ahead with visitors. I admire your openness to socialize as an introvert. Just remember to take breaks and recharge when you need to. 🙂

Keep up the great work and take care!

anita

December 11, 2024 at 11:24 am #440156

Helcat
Participant

Hi Jana

I’m glad to hear that sharing thoughts is helpful. Thank you for including me in your sangha! 😊

It was really beautiful reading your message both seeing the self-love for yourself and the wonderful relationship you share with your partner. You brought a smile to my face.

I’m glad to hear that your partner bounced back from his disappointment with his work. I hope that he will no longer be misused because he is clearly a very loyal and hard worker. I hope that you all enjoy his time off together! ❤️

Do you feel any less stressed when focusing on the needs your partner communicates when he’s feeling tired?

I was wondering if you have any advice about fostering such a compassionate mindset towards yourself?

Good luck with the socialising and the job hunting!

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

December 12, 2024 at 10:23 pm #440398

Jana 🪷
Participant

Hello Helcat,

It is more about my energy and work with my energy than feeling stressed. He has a holiday now and there are no audits at work so he has a relaxing time now. But I want to try what Roberta suggested to me – spend the first few minutes with some relaxing activities such as having a lie-down for a while with no talking, having a coffee/tea and after the emotions are soothed and calmed, take 10 minutes to talk about the problems at work.

I personally foster a compassionate mindset towards myself by mindfulness, meditation and my favourite activities outside. I also try to be kind to myself. Being consistent in my mindfulness and meditation has already helped me a lot. 🙂

☀️ 🪷

December 13, 2024 at 12:35 am #440400
Jana 🪷
Participant
Buddhism

The Four Noble Truths

1. Suffering (dukkha): Everyone suffers to some extent. We have to recognize and acknowledge the presence of this suffering.

2. Arising of suffering (samudaya): After we recognize and acknowledge our suffering, we need to look deeply into it. We have to recognize and identify the sources of our suffering.

3. Cessation of suffering (nirodha): Without suffering, there is no happiness. We have to understand this and realize that healing is possible.

4. the Path (marga): the way to achieve healing and happiness, the Noble Eighfold Path.

To really understand the Four Noble Truth, we have to practice the twelve turning of the wheel of the Dharma:

1. Recognition: We cannot run away from our suffering. We may try to deny our suffering, but it always persists. We need to treat our suffering with kindness and compassion: “My dear suffering, I know you are there, I am here for you, and I will take care of you.” We pluck up the courage and recognize, acknowledge and identify our suffering.

2. Encouragement: We must be brave to look deeply into our suffering and understand its true nature, which means its cause(s). We can do it by mindfulness, meditation or with the help of our friends, family or sangha when necessary. We need to be open to our suffering and get to the bottom of it.

3. Realization: We are able to name our suffering and identify all of its characteristics, which alone brings us happiness and joy.

Four Noble Truth and the twelve turnings:

Suffering
- recognition: “This is my suffering.”
- encouragement: “I need to understand my suffering.”
- realization: “I understand my suffering.”
Arising of Suffering
- recognition: “This leads to my suffering”
- encouragement: “I need to understand this.”
- realization: “I understand this.”
Cessation of suffering
- recognition: “Healing is possible.”
- encouragement: “My healing should be obtained.”
- realization: “My healing is obtained.”
the Path
- recognition: “There is a way, a path that can lead me to happiness.”
- encouragement: “I am determined to live this path.”
- realization: “I live the noble Path.”
In my next post about Buddhism, I am going to write about the Noble Eightfold Path and 4 noutriments which can lead to our suffering or happiness.

☀️ 🪷
December 13, 2024 at 1:26 pm #440459

Helcat
Participant

Hi Jana

Thank you so much for your advise! You have an excellent self-care routine. You’ve inspired me to be more diligent with this myself. 😊

Apologies for the misunderstanding. I’m glad to hear that your partner is more relaxed with his work now. Those do sound like good recommendations for everyone.

P.S. I’m enjoying your summary of the noble truths so far!

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

December 14, 2024 at 12:03 pm #440544

Jana 🪷
Participant

Buddhism

The Four Nutrients

I forgot to write earlier that all my posts about Buddhism are by Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, my virtual Buddhist teacher. If you know different interpretation of these ideas or your favourite Buddhist school says something different, feel free to share it here. I am open to discussion.

We should be mindful about what nutrients we ingest and what impacts they have on us.

1. Food and drinks: We need to recognize what food and drinks are helpful or harmful. We need to practice mindfulness when we shop, cook and eat. We should try to eat mindfully, too.

2. Sense impressions: Our sense organs – eyes, ears, nose, tongue, body and mind – are in constant contact with the world around us, which represents a food for our consciousness. We have to become aware of what we ingest from the world around us through our senses. And we need to recognize what makes us happy or unhappy.

3. Volition or intention: We need to cultivate the insight that status, wealth, material possessions, fame, revenge, … are obstacles to our happiness. Our happiness is present here and now (which is very difficult for many people to understand or accept and they chase their happiness in the form of wealth, career, status, …). We will be able to understand this by practicing mindfulness and meditation. The capacity of enjoying life here and now liberates us from attachements, impulses and expectations, which society puts on us, and bring a real happiness.

4. Consciousness: Our consciousness is like “the ocean with the six rivers of our senses flowing into it.” Everytime we ingest toxins (alcohol, junk food, tabloids, violence on TV, catastrophic news, materialism, envy, jealousy, …), we hurt our consciousness. And we suffer… and those around us suffer, too. Because we – our consciousness – become the nutrients for others.

Can you see this in your real life? I can. Very often. I’ll write about it later in one of my journal posts.

☀️ 🪷

December 14, 2024 at 1:16 pm #440566

Roberta
Participant

Dear jana

As my fathers carer I have a great deal of control over what enters his sense gates. When I am loving & mindful -peace & harmony prevails. Fear & exhaustion on either side leads to unskillful actions.

thank you for your above quote. I have just copied it out into my note book to help me to remember this in my daily life.

regards Roberta

December 14, 2024 at 8:04 pm #440610

Helcat
Participant

Hi Jana

Earlier, I was reflecting on an inspirational quote that you provided. Is it kind, true and necessary? It truly is inspirational to me too, so I wanted to thank you again for sharing that.

I remembered from earlier on your thread that was what you have been reading. I’ve read some of his books too. They were a great resource. 😊

I would agree about consciousness. I don’t tend to partake in much of that type of thing especially when I’m feeling vulnerable. With the exception of violence on television and when I am feeling okay I do read some news because I believe it is important to be informed about the state of the world, I am selective about what I choose to read and watch. I stay away from triggers. I tend to be the kind of person who is very aware that television isn’t real and I really enjoy stories. I used to watch a lot of martial arts stuff back in the day, so I really do think of violence on television as choreographed. Unless it is UFC fighting or something. I don’t tend to watch actual fighting.

Regarding intention, I don’t tend to have aspirations like that for egotistical purposes. I’m a very practical person. When raising a family, money is ideal. The better that we take care of our son, the better his life can be. I’d suggest that these things can also provide happiness as well as not provide it. I tend to veer on the practical side. Our son needed a new pram since he was growing too big for the old one, we like to walk outdoors as a family and invested in a pram that was suitable for that. It turns out it’s very helpful with pain for me, so when I use the pram I am thankful for it. I hope this makes sense?

I totally agree with the food and sense impressions, I do feel like the sense impressions is intertwined with the other categories previously mentioned. I think sense impressions is the thing that I struggle with the most being neurodivergent. I tend to get overwhelmed with my senses.

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

December 16, 2024 at 7:25 am #440738

Jana 🪷
Participant

Hello Roberta,

I am sending a lot of love and strength to you and your dad. I hope you will enjoy the upcoming holidays together. I know how hard it is to take care of both very old and sick relatives. I hope that you have time and enough strength for yourself, too.

☀️ 🪷

December 16, 2024 at 7:26 am #440739

Jana 🪷
Participant

journal (Dec 16, 2024, at 9:15)

I would like to write a short journal entry about my fear of people again.

Yesterday, we watched a movie Furioza on Netflix. A film about hooligans, a lot of violence, beating especially… I was so nervous and tense watching the scenes.

I remember when I was a teenager I used to go to visit my grandma who lived in a different part of our town. I always walked over a river and I had to go through the lock chamber on the river. Once on my way I met a gypsy who wanted some money or what, and he followed me all the way to the lock chamber. And there we met a group of neo nazis…

That was a great chance for them – a girl being harrassed by a gypsy – a perfect pretext to beat the gypsy… I remember they surrounded us and one of them, obviously the craziest (I had a memory of him in my head right away when I saw the first scene in the movie – a man eager to beat someone no matter what) gave me a choice, either they beat the gypsy or me. I told him that they should beat me, which turned out to be a good choice because there were members in the group who were sane enough to told him that they wouldn’t beat a girl. So, at least he gave me a hard time, mocking me for shaking (it was the physical expression of my social phobia – I always shaked uncontrollably).

It was a lot for me and at one point I started to cry a bit. I was lucky that the other members probably felt uncomfortable bullying a young girl who was terrified and they started to argue with each other. And the gypsy took his chance and ran away. And they all ran after him… I remember standing there, quite shocked… I was thinking if he managed to run away… But I don’t think so. 😔

I don’t know what is worse for me, to be beaten or see somebody being beaten. Both really hurt me… but the latter is worse for me.

I remember I met the older boys from the group many times after this encounter on the lock chamber… always with black eyes, bumps on heads, bruises, etc. … I felt very bad to see them beaten like that. It made me feel very anxious. I had a few encounters with them but just a bit teasing… I wasn’t attacked by them.

At some point… when I started to look as a young woman, boys (becoming young men) avoid hitting me. I guess their thinking changed and it felt bad to hit a woman… Also, I noticed that some boys started to feel the need to protect, you know the “protection instinct”… some grew up from violence, others unfortunately don’t… some men have violence as a lifestyle (viz. hooligans)

The movie really brought all this back to me… the worst is that it is not just a movie… these people are out there. They want to fight, they want to beat somebody so much… I was thinking what I could do if I meet them… How can I protect myself?

I don’t like violence, especially this type… fists, boxing, kicking, hitting, … so, no UFC, no MMA etc at all…

I am also very grateful that police forces are not so corrupted here and they really help and protect people. And I am happy that they are always on trains protecting people when hooligans go to matches. They also prepared special trains only for hooligans and control them all the way to the stadiums.

Just my thoughs this Monday.

I realize that it is very difficult for me to analyze my fear of people according to the Buddhist philosophy which I posted on December 13, 2024 at 12:35 am. But I will try to do so today and later post more about it.

☀️ 🪷

December 16, 2024 at 2:22 pm #440769

Helcat
Participant

Hi Jana

Wow you were so brave to stand up to that group and defend the other person that they were also threatening. You truly did your best despite being afraid of being hurt yourself. I’m glad that they didn’t hurt you and I hope that other person got away.

You are incredible! Although it is a terrible memory to have. I’m sorry that happened to you.

Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

December 17, 2024 at 10:42 am #440806

Jana 🪷
Participant

What do you know and think about this quote made by the Buddha:

“Bhikshus, even if bandits were to carve you up savagely, limb by limb, with a two-handled saw, he who gave rise to a mind of hate towards them would not be carrying out my teaching. Even then you should train yourselves thus: “Our minds will remain unaffected and we shall utter no evil words. We shall abide with a compassionate concern for their welfare, with a mind of loving-kindness, and with no inner hate. We shall abide pervading these people with a mind imbued with loving-kindness and, beginning with them, we shall abide pervading the entire world with a mind imbued with loving-kindness—vast, expansive, measureless, and free from hate or harm.” This is how you should train yourselves, Bhikshus.”

☀️ 🪷
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