Home→Forums→Relationships→Confused about relationship – Need help
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anita.
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March 27, 2024 at 1:58 pm #430230
antarkalaParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for responding.
1) How long did the sexual assault period last, and how long after the beginning of the assault, did your parents become aware of it? How did they respond? – First thing I want to clarify – my parents are not aware that it happened to me because it was someone in my extended family and I never told them. Actually, I think I switched off that part of my brain for a lot of years and it was only in around 2019-2020 a lot of visuals about what happened came back to me and I realized the intensity of it. I never talked about it to anyone before that but it is only these days I am slowly opening up with my closest friends and I am realizing the intensity of what happened day by day. I don’t think I gave it a name of sexual assault until then. I don’t remember how long the sexual assault period lasted – but I know it was for atleast a year or more. It all suddenly stopped once I hit puberty in my 8th grade.
2) Did your mother (or your father) minimize the assault, saying that you were over-sensitive to it, that you emotionally over-reacted, that you used it as an excuse? – As I said, my mother does not know. She just in general says I am too sensitive and overreact to things. This especially happens when I tell her how hurting it feels when my dad criticizes me or when I tell her how my father and grandparents are proud of everything my brother does because he is a guy, how they treat me infront of him as if I am nothing and that I do not feel respected enough or seen enough or encouraged enough. I once remember my brother asking my mom if I my teachers are going to let me go to 5th standard from 4th standard!!! – I was not a bad student at alll but he did get that impression…. things like that. When I tell her I feel a little different from everyone, that I feel things too deeply and sometimes wonder if I have depression and I am unable to do basic things in life and feel very under-confident – she tells me I am overreacting and too sensitive and should just have more will power and try harder to be more disciplined and achieve the things I want in life. She never said no to therapy though – she said if I wanted to go, she will support me.
3) You lived at home, with your mother, for 24 out of the 26 years of her marriage to a man who discouraged her from speaking up, from talking about her feelings, her opinions, etc. Did she turn to you as the person with whom she expressed herself, giving you the role of a friend and confidant? – Completely, yes! I am that friend/ confidant of her. She shares everything with me. I started supporting her as I grew up and pushing her to stand up for herself and even stood up against my dad and my grandparents demanding she should be treated better for everything she does for the family. She gradually started doing that my dad keeps joking she gets courage in my presence and never listens to him. A year or two ago – I think she had enough and she started feeling burnt out and she used to constantly tell my father and fight about how badly she was treated all of her life. It was like – she never stood up for herself and now suddenly she wants to make up for everytime she didn’t do it – it was hard but my dad’s shell broke, he understood a few things, he started treating my mother better and their relationship evolved into something better. She always tells me she feels blessed to have a daughter like me and she cannot imagine her life without me.
4) How were you a misfit at home, growing up? – Hmmm, when I think about it – I somehow don’t remember a lot about my childhood or cannot think of any instances right now. I once remember during an argument I threw a glass of water at my mother’s face in front of my whole extended family and to this day I don’t know why I did that and I cannot get that image out of my head. There was once a science exhibition in my school and while everyone made lots of cool things, I made a bird cage with a bird in it that makes sounds when someone claps – my dad came to the exhibition and he was extremely dissappointed me, he told me what I did was a waste. My school teacher once described me as a lady don to my dad and I once remember one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly and I should change it and I did. It was tough making friends, was never good at directions, could never relate to girls having crushes, always rebelled against parents. My mom was a teacher in the same school I had studied – I was popular and everyone had high expectations from me. I did get a lot of attention that I did not want. Teachers were either very partial to me or they hated me and did not hesitate to show that to me. A lot of students were jealous when I got a lot of attention from teachers – I used to be the first person to know of any event announcement – teachers came and told me, not my mom and I did not ask for it! I got into a relationship in my 9th standard in a school where my mom is a teacher – who does that?! I did not like the school system in my +1, +2 and debated with the principle saying what they’re doing is wrong – extreme stress, making people mug up and she changed the way things were going on. I did not mind being in the least section but just studied on my own and got not a bad grade at all. I got into engineering and around my 2nd year I knew it was not my place – I just didn’t feel I could connect with anyone around me nor was finding joy in things that I did. I wanted to drop out – it was my dad who introduced me to travelling and I fell in love! I travelled often, started photography and writing, rediscovered myself, did a yoga course, organized a lot of events in my college and was popular again and decided to change my career. The concept of having kids never appealed to me and once when I was innocent, I told my mom and she scolded me so bad – she said no one would marry me if I think such way and it is very wrong.
March 27, 2024 at 2:35 pm #430233
anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
Your answers are honest and thorough.
This sentence: “one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly“- personally strikes a chord with me. I am mentioning it here because want to elaborate on it tomorrow, Thurs morning (it is Wed afternoon here). Be back to you in the morning!
anita
March 27, 2024 at 5:45 pm #430260antarkalaParticipantSure Anita, I hope you have a good night! I am going to visit my boyfriend tomorrow for a week and while I am excited and longing to finally see him after 2 months, I am also feeling a little anxious and scared that I will not be able to live in the present – if you have any workarounds, I would be happy to know tomorrow morning 🙂
March 27, 2024 at 5:52 pm #430261anitaParticipantDear antarkala: thank you. I’ll do my best to help tomorrow morning!
anita
March 28, 2024 at 11:19 am #430285anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
“It was someone in my extended family… It all suddenly stopped once I hit puberty in my 8th grade“- I hope that this someone in your extended family doesn’t get the opportunity to do to others (other pre-pubescent girls, perhaps) what he did to you. If there is something you can do to protect others from him, I hope that you do what needs to be done.
“I never talked about it to anyone before that but it is only these days I am slowly opening up with my closest friends and I am realizing the intensity of what happened day by day. I don’t think I gave it a name of sexual assault until then… it was for at least a year or more“- keep talking about it, bring it further to the light, as slowly as you need it to go about it.
“As I said, my mother does not know. She just in general says I am too sensitive and overreact to things. This especially happens when I tell her how hurting it feels when my dad criticizes me or when I tell her how my father and grandparents are proud of everything my brother does because he is a guy, how they treat me in front of him as if I am nothing, and that I do not feel respected enough or seen enough or encouraged enough“- it is not true that you are too sensitive and that emotionally you over react. I know that your mother is wrong on this point even though she’s known you for 25 years, and I’ve known you for only 5 days. Your reaction to your early life experiences is proportional to the experiences.
Adults often forget how they felt growing up, how very sensitive they were (all young children are). So, they unrealistically expect children to be less sensitive than they themselves were as children/ adolescents.
“When I tell her I feel a little different from everyone, that I feel things too deeply and sometimes wonder if I have depression and I am unable to do basic things in life and feel very under-confident – she tells me I am overreacting and too sensitive and should just have more will power and try harder to be more disciplined and achieve the things I want in life“- she is right about the benefit of a strong will-power and self-discipline. If she validated your sensitivity (as being proportional/ appropriate to your life-experiences growing up, she would have strengthened your will-power and self-discipline. She means well, and she’s partly right, partly wrong.
“She never said no to therapy though – she said if I wanted to go, she will support me“- a good thing!
“Completely, yes! I am that friend/ confidant of her. She shares everything with me. I started supporting her as I grew up and pushing her to stand up for herself and even stood up against my dad and my grandparents demanding she should be treated better for everything she does for the family. She gradually started doing that… She always tells me she feels blessed to have a daughter like me and she cannot imagine her life without me“- yes, indeed, your mother is blessed to have you as a daughter. I feel empathy for your mother and appreciation for her resilience through the years, as well as for her work as a teacher. I’m sure that she benefited many children over the course of her career.
Unfortunately, there is a problem here (in the paragraph I quoted right above) that needs to be addressed: it’s not a good thing for a child/ adolescent to be placed in, or to be encouraged to fill in the role of an adult. A child needs to be a child while the adults take care of adult things. A parent is supposed to confide with the other parent/ other adults, not with their child.
It is not the child’s job to teach her mother to stand up for herself, it’s the other way around: it’s the mother/ parent’s job to teach the child. So, what happened in your childhood and adolescence was role reversal, in this regard. A child needs to feel safe at home, as in being with parents who know how to take care of themselves (and of the child). When that’s not the case, the child feels anxious.
“I once remember during an argument I threw a glass of water at my mother’s face in front of my whole extended family and to this day I don’t know why I did that and I cannot get that image out of my head“- you were angry at her. It is difficult to be angry at your mother, isn’t it? It made me feel very guilty when I was angry at my mother. Maybe you were angry at her for not taking care of herself, for not standing up for herself…?
“My school teacher once described me as a lady don to my dad and I once remember one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly“-
– I had to look up “lady don” (online): “This phrase is often used to describe a woman who possesses qualities traditionally associated with masculinity, such as confidence, assertiveness, and a commanding presence”.
Seems to me, antarkala, that your role reversal situation was that of you being your mother’s.. father, teaching her to stand up for herself, to act confidently and assertively, a parenting job traditionally done by the father in the family. Your mother was.. femininely weak, passive (a traditional female role) and you, for the purpose of helping her/ strengthening her, took on the manly traditional role. So much so, that you even walked in a manly way.
This is how much you loved her and needed her to be strong.. not yet strong yourself, you took on that role.
“(I) could never relate to girls having crushes… The concept of having kids never appealed to me”– this is congruent with your masculine/ manly role taken so to help your mother.
On March 25, you wrote in regard to your boyfriend: “Initially, I did get thoughts like ‘maybe he is not strong enough’… “I don’t think he is manly enough’“- what this is telling me is that you need to.. finally not be The Strong One, to.. finally have someone else be the strong one, so that you can relax.
Is that what it is?
anita
March 28, 2024 at 11:30 am #430286anitaParticipantAdding: I forgot to elaborate on my short post from yesterday (which is very much related to my most recent post right above): I took on the manly role myself growing up with my mother, couldn’t relate to other girls (didn’t feel like I was one of them). I didn’t fee comfortable with being female, wished I wasn’t, never felt like being pregnant and giving birth (a totally female thing), never entertained such thoughts with any positive sentiment, never was a girly girl, etc.
anita
March 30, 2024 at 6:10 pm #430366antarkalaParticipantHi Anita,
Sorry for my late response.
“Finally have someone else to be the strong one…. So that I can relax” – in one sentence, this is all I want. You really understood where I’m coming from.
Whatever you told about my childhood makes so much sense! I can connect a lot of dots – It was always easy for me to connect with girls 6-10 years elder to me and I could maintain good friendships with them. Even with friends, I am always trying to take care of them and be the bigger person. I’m seriously tired but I feel like I don’t know how else to be – I don’t know how to just have fun and be like all other girls!
Thank you for sharing your story, I empathize with you for going through something similar with your mother – I did go through your previous posts and I’m sorry you had to go through something like that at a very young age. I am happy and proud of you that you’re healing and going in the right direction. More power to support to you 🌸
March 30, 2024 at 9:07 pm #430369anitaParticipantDear antarkala: you are welcome, I will reply further tomorrow!
anita
March 31, 2024 at 11:09 am #430384anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
You are welcome and thank you for your empathy and support!!!
“Even with friends, I am always trying to take care of them and be the bigger person. I’m seriously tired but I feel like I don’t know how else to be – I don’t know how to just have fun and be like all other girls!“-
-it will be difficult and it will likely feel strange to change a (so far) lifetime role of being “the bigger person“, the overly responsible adult one to => => => a new role: still responsible, but not overly responsible, with an added a carefree mindset.
This kind of change can be done if you understand the gradual nature of such change, it you are very patient with the process, taking it one step, one day at a time, and over a long time (months) the new mindset and behavior will start to feel natural.
The process: engage in activities that relax you or bring you joy (self-care), practice Mindfulness every day; set and communicate boundaries with people (say no to some requests), delegate responsibilities to others and encourage them to take on tasks that they can handle..
And all done gradually, in small steps, as you congratulate yourself and celebrate small progress made, day in and day out.
anita
April 1, 2024 at 5:26 pm #430457antarkalaParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your suggestions. Yes I started doing these things bit by bit and sometimes I keep going back to my old self but I can say that I am making progress. I’m trying to receive and enjoy myself too from time to time. Even with my boyfriend, in the beginning of the relationship I was not comfortable receiving but I am better now and let myself receive love, care and affection.
It’s been 4 days since I visited my boyfriend’s place and this time around – things are so much better, I definitely am more in the present and am living in the moment. I am able to appreciate him more and see him for the wonderful person he is. But still there are times when I start feeling anxious and my mind is racing with questions, thoughts and fears whenever I think about making a decision. We have been able to have good conversations, talk things out and I even shared with him about my experience with sexual trauma as a kid and he was very supportive.
However, I’m still unable to decide and sometimes feel like something is missing, especially attraction. Is this just a very close friendship? I also sometimes ask myself – “Am I settling for less?” When it comes to marriage I should be able to very welcomingly say yes but i feel like I’m searching for reasons to make this work and I don’t know if that is right. Im tired of going in circles and feeling anxious from time to time that I feel like breaking up unable to take it anymore but I know that I want to breakup with this anxiety and uncertainty more than the person.
April 1, 2024 at 5:39 pm #430458anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
I’ll reply further in the morning, but for now, regarding thoughts like “something is missing” and “Am I settling for less?“, these could be obsessive thoughts, part of what is referred to as R-OCD (Relationship OCD). Are you familiar with the term?
anita
April 1, 2024 at 5:54 pm #430459antarkalaParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for responding. I have never heard of this term but I will read about it now.
I also want to mention that I did talk to my boyfriend about my anxiety from time to time and he said that as per his observation, it might be because this is a healthy relationship and I am not used to it. I am used to fixing things and hence it is feeling alien to me and taking time for me to get used to this.
April 1, 2024 at 6:10 pm #430460anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
I tend to agree with your boyfriend, I will study the topic further myself, but I think that what’s behind it all is anxiety in the form of R-OCD, obsessively doubting an otherwise (other than the obsessive, negative, anxiety-filled thinking) good relationship. I hope that you read about R-OCD and let me know what you think about it.
anita
April 2, 2024 at 8:50 am #430478anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
I’ve known about R-OCD for many years, and I occasionally come across it in these forums. I just googled “rocd, tiny buddha forums” and what appeared is a Dec 2017 thread, in which I participated, titled “ROCD“. Original post: “Does anyone else suffer from this. Do you have any tips to try and overcome it?”
My answer (Dec 29, 2017): “My tips: evaluate the relationship rationally. If your boyfriend behaves toward you with empathy and respect, if he is assertive with you, not passive or aggressive, and encourages you to be assertive as well, if it is a good relationship (although not perfect, as it can’t be perfect) and you often enough feel love for him, but you are doubting it repeatedly, for a long time, then quality psychotherapy may be the answer.
In psychotherapy, anxiety, the core issue in ROCD (and in so many, many conditions and symptoms), will need to be attended to, early experiences and relationships (with your parents, mostly) will need to be explored.
A break or separation may be necessary if your distress is too great and/or if your doubting causes him distress and is harming him.“
Another, a Jan 2018 thread, in which I participated as well, titled “ROCD help me“, original post: “I’ve been struggling with rocd for almost 4 months now and I’ve just become completely exhausted and depressed by the constant overthinking and checking if I still love my bf… I still have that awful weight on my chest that I’m just not in love with him and that breaking up is the right thing to do”.
My response (Jan 8, 2018): “The relief you feel when you think of ending the relationship is about ending the obsession. The obsession is painful. It is a painful way to live, as you well know.
If you are not currently attending psychotherapy and working on this, then you do need to end this obsession somehow. It is better to not be in a relationship with him than it is to be obsessed, I am thinking.“
Here is another, a May 2020 thread titled “ROCD Or do I not love him?” Original post: “..Around the first month of us being together, I was thinking about him in class. While thinking about him, the thought ‘Do I really love him’ Came to mind. Once this came to mind, I started to obsess with the thought. I started comparing our relationship to past relationships and I started searching stuff up online for temporary relief. Fast forward to now, it still happens. I’m constantly observing my feelings and my moods… There’s no reason why I wouldn’t love him. There’s been no red flags or anything…. I was wondering if anyone had advice or any idea of what it is?..”
My response, May 3, 2020, (quotes from the OP are italicized): “‘I was craving him every second. Now, .. I don’t feel like that’– craving someone every second is not sustainable, it is too exhausting to the brain/ body, therefore this craving is time limited.
‘when I get upset with him or want some time alone’– that happens to everyone, in the best relationships. We feel upset once in a while, and upset or not, at times we need to be alone.
All OCD is based on ongoing fear aka anxiety. Your focus on loving him or not is fueled by your anxiety. You wrote that you didn’t experience this obsessing before, with other men. Maybe it is happening to you at this point because of elevated anxiety overall, maybe pandemic related?“
Here’s an Oct 2022 thread titled: “Crippling Relationship Anxiety – Please Help“. Original post: “I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have grown together so much in this time. We are not perfect, but we are strong, and we have a very healthy relationship… We are kind, loving, supportive, and we cherish our relationship. We have lived together for about a year and a half and have built the most beautiful life together in a really beautiful place that feels like home. It has been one of the happiest times in my life. I haven’t ever felt so loved, so close to another human, and just so grateful to be in this life and to be this lucky. I have always suffered from mild anxiety and self esteem issues. … About a month ago, out of the blue, I started having extremely intrusive thoughts about ending our relationship. It causes me to feel the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I have breakdowns, panic attacks, and cannot function properly. It is truly consuming my life and making me feel depressed and hopeless. In my head I picture telling him that I don’t love him anymore (which hurts the most). I picture getting on a plane and leaving my whole life here with him…”.
From one of my replies to the OP (Oct 7, 2022): “... My understanding of what happened, based on your three posts: your childhood experience growing up, particularly your relationships with your parents/ immediate family, occasionally involved severe anxiety for you. Like children do, over time, you repressed as much as possible of that anxiety, pushing it down and away from your awareness. But because emotional repression cannot be done perfectly and there are cracks, some of the anxiety kept seeping through the cracks and to the surface, and therefore, you ‘have always suffered from mild anxiety’.
A month ago, the severe anxiety did not just seep through to the surface (in the form of mild anxiety), it erupted to the surface in its original form: severe anxiety…reads to me like you are still, presently, trying to make your immediate family happy and it is too much pressure for you… It is time for you to really leave your immediate family home behind (something you’ve wanted to do for a long, long time, isn’t it?), to give up on your old goal in life (to make your immediate family happy), and to form a new, fresh goal… seeing a medical doctor for possible psychiatric evaluation and medication is an option that may bring you that immediate relief… quality psychotherapy will be best. You may need an immediate relief option (medication and/ or regular, daily mindfulness practices) while attending therapy so that you can benefit from therapy…“.
In an Oct 18, 2020 reply to the same member, I wrote: “I re-read your posts and it seems to me, based on my personal experience with anxiety, that the following may be the main source of your anxiety (with or without intrusive thoughts): ‘My mom… has so much unresolved trauma… My brother and I were always affected by this‘ – like I wrote to you before, young children absorb their mothers’ expressed childhood/ early life trauma like sponges, so her trauma becomes her children’s trauma by absorption. This is what happened in my case: my mother expressed her unresolved trauma in my presence many, many times and it affected me terribly, it was as if what happened to her.. happened to me…“
Same OP started a 2nd thread Dec 2023 thread titled “Does this sound like ROCD or just anxiety? Need some insight/ advice please”. Original post: “…I get these horrible intrusive thoughts about my significant other. We have been together for 7 happy years and these thoughts make me feel depressed, angry, and confused. They always get triggered by some kind of small action that he makes. Things that should just pass by, feel like an explosion of emotions in my head and body. For example, we were leaving the store a couple days ago with just one item. As we finished checking out, he started to walk towards the exit without grabbing the one item, assuming I would grab it (which I did no problem. My hands were not full. It was a small item. I was 100% capable.) However, I immediately felt this overwhelming sensation with negative thoughts like ‘he doesn’t take care of you.’ ‘how can he be so rude to the person he is supposed to love’ ‘he is so inconsiderate’… These thoughts put me in panics. They make me question everything. Every move he makes, I try to analyze…”.
From my reply, Dec 15, 2023: “…– seems to me that when your significant other (I’ll refer to him as S) left the item for you to carry, your suppressed and repressed anger from your childhood erupted. The incident of S leaving the item for you to carry was a small incident, but your childhood pent up anger is HUGE, and your emotional reaction to the incident was proportional to the amount of your pushed-down anger at your parents for guilt tripping you and making their love for you conditional on you submitting to their guilt… it is very difficult for most (if not all) children and adult children to talk negatively about their parents, particularly when heavily guilt tripped as children, but it is necessary to do so when one’s parents’ behaviors were indeed significantly or severely negative, having created an emotional backlog of (understandable, valid) hurt, anger and fear inside you. Quality psychotherapy is the best place to do it, to talk and process these backlogged, pushed down intense feelings, so that their intensity lessens and lessens and you reach a place of peace within yourself.“
These are only a few of the many threads from the tiny buddha forums dealing with ROCD, many (including one currently on the first page of topics) that deal with ROCD, many not having the term in the title (so they don’t come up in the google search). It’s important to remember that not all people suffering from ROCD suffer from it in the exact same ways and intensity.
Also, OCD is an official diagnosis, ROCD is not an official diagnosis. ROCD refers to one of the themes of OCD (other common themes: “fear of contamination, fears about being responsible for harming the self or others” (Wikipedia). I was diagnosed myself with OCD, and my dominant theme was fears of harming others.<sup id=”cite_ref-pmid27148087_4-1″ class=”reference”></sup>
From Wikipedia/ ROCD: “People may continuously doubt whether they love their partner, whether their relationship is the ‘right’ relationship or whether their partner really loves them. <sup id=”cite_ref-DoronA_7-0″ class=”reference”></sup>When they know they love someone or that someone loves them, they constantly check and reassure themselves that it is the right feeling. When they attempt to end the relationship, they are overwhelmed with anxiety. By staying in the relationship, however, they are haunted by continuous doubts regarding the relationship.<sup id=”cite_ref-Doron_2014_169–180_3-2″ class=”reference”></sup>
“Another form of ROCD includes preoccupation, checking, and reassurance-seeking behaviors relating to the partner’s perceived flaws or deficits. These perceived deficits tend to be related to appearance, sociability, intelligence and morality and have been described using the term partner-focused OC symptoms. <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_8-0″ class=”reference”></sup>These symptoms tend to manifest as intrusive thoughts, images, and/or urges related to the relationship. There is often a great deal of distress associated with these symptoms, as they contradict one’s personal values and/or the subjective experience of the relationship. <sup id=”cite_ref-:1_8-1″ class=”reference”></sup>The individual views these symptoms as unacceptable and unwanted, invoking feelings of guilt and shame”.<sup id=”cite_ref-:1_8-2″ class=”reference”></sup>
I know that this is a long, comprehensive post. Please take your time with it.
I will add a shorter post in regard to applying the above to your personal story. Again, take your time with these, stop reading anytime you need a break, and continue at another time. No reason to rush.
anita
April 2, 2024 at 9:00 am #430479anitaParticipantClearing the messy 3 paragraphs right above (due to copying and pasting from Wikipedia):
Also, OCD is an official diagnosis, ROCD is not an official diagnosis. ROCD refers to one of the themes of OCD (other common themes: “fear of contamination, fears about being responsible for harming the self or others” (Wikipedia). I was diagnosed myself with OCD, and my dominant theme was fears of harming others.
From Wikipedia/ ROCD: “People may continuously doubt whether they love their partner, whether their relationship is the ‘right’ relationship or whether their partner really loves them. When they know they love someone or that someone loves them, they constantly check and reassure themselves that it is the right feeling. When they attempt to end the relationship, they are overwhelmed with anxiety. By staying in the relationship, however, they are haunted by continuous doubts regarding the relationship.
“Another form of ROCD includes preoccupation, checking, and reassurance-seeking behaviors relating to the partner’s perceived flaws or deficits. These perceived deficits tend to be related to appearance, sociability, intelligence and morality and have been described using the term partner-focused OC symptoms. These symptoms tend to manifest as intrusive thoughts, images, and/or urges related to the relationship. There is often a great deal of distress associated with these symptoms, as they contradict one’s personal values and/or the subjective experience of the relationship. The individual views these symptoms as unacceptable and unwanted, invoking feelings of guilt and shame”.
* I should have started the long post above with the request that (if you choose to read it), please don’t rush through it, read a bit, take a break, read another bit at another time, re-read when needed, take your time with it.
anita
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