“Calm Down Sugar Tits”: Gregg Wallace’s Guide To Crafting The Perfect Apology

SO YOU’VE found yourself in a spot of bother and now some middle class women of a certain age who can’t take a joke/groping are giving out to HR.

You might be fearing the worst; job gone, career over, but relax one of the world’s leading apology experts, Gregg Wallace, is on hand to dispense his priceless advice that’ll get everyone back on your side:

Step 1) Deescalate – there’s been a clear misunderstanding of harmless banter.

“Calm down sugar tits”. Fire any and all publicists working for you, you’ve got this. This golden phrase always works, even on the most irate of sugar tits owners.

If anything you’ll soon have coworkers turning on the humourless harridan who isn’t even good looking enough to sexually harass.

Step 2) Show you understand the hurt you may have caused in an apology video.

“You amply chested posh women whose bosoms I’d love motor boat clearly aren’t getting any at home which is why you can’t even take a compliment”. Empathy is everything, but also maybe include a line about how the dough isn’t the only thing rising around here.

Step 3) Get on the phone to Russell Brand for advice.

“Can you be down to the river by my house in 5 minutes to Baptise me. Bring a Bible, I’ll need to pretend I’m a devout Christian now too”.

Step 4) Keep digging.

Your impulse will be to stop digging but maybe down the bottom of that hole is a breezy and hilarious anecdote you can tell a woman you just met about how you dined out on your wife’s vagina for breakfast.

Once the laughter starts again, people will forget your erection and/or why they ever thought this wasn’t an appropriate topic of discussion at work.

Step 5) You’re going to want to mention the word ‘woke’ a lot.

I mean a loooot.

Step 6) Ring I’m A Celebrity to see if they’ll book you on the first flight to the jungle.

Do you know who looks like she’d love a story about how randy am I 24/7? That Maura Higgins!

Check out our shop. We’ve tonnes of designs to choose from with new ones added all the time. Each purchase helps us keep the lights on. Check it out here www.waterfordwhispers.shop