Why Try to Control the Uncontrollable?

Life doesn’t always go as planned. From unexpected career changes to daily frustrations, we often find ourselves trying to control the uncontrollable. But the truth is, the more we try to control everything, the more stuck we feel. What if the solution isn’t about control at all, but about influence?

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Why do we crave control?

• We Want Predictability:  We crave predictability because it helps us feel safe in an uncertain world. Controlling situations gives us a sense of knowing what’s next, easing anxiety. For example, planning your day in detail or micromanaging a project can feel comforting as it creates structure.
• We Avoid Vulnerability: Control can shield us from feeling vulnerable. Letting go or allowing things to unfold naturally can feel exposing or powerless, especially in relationships where micromanaging decisions avoids emotional risks.
• We Fear Failure: The need to control often stems from a fear of failure. By managing every detail, we try to avoid mistakes or setbacks. But this perfectionism can create stress without guaranteeing success.
• Our Past Shapes Us: Chaotic or unpredictable life experiences, especially in childhood, can create a strong need for control later. For example, growing up in an unstable home may lead to controlling behavior as adults to create stability.
• We Strive for Perfection: Some see control as the path to perfection, believing it will lead to flawless results in work, relationships, or personal goals. Yet this pursuit often leads to stress and burnout rather than satisfaction.
• We Feel It’s All on Us: The need for control often arises from the belief that if we don’t manage something ourselves, no one else will. This mindset can leave us feeling overwhelmed, both at work and at home.

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Why is influence more powerful than control?

Those people who inspire through influence rather than enforce through control understand the profound role it plays in achieving success. Influence is about inspiring, persuading, and guiding others toward a common goal without using manipulation or force. It takes a certain level of finesse to truly understand and appreciate others’ perspectives rather than imposing your own agenda on them.

Influence Builds Trust and Respect

When we try to control others, we are essentially sending the message that our way is the only right way. This can create resentment and resistance, causing people to become defensive or rebellious. On the other hand, when we use influence, we show respect for others’ autonomy and opinions. This builds trust and respect in relationships and encourages others to work with us rather than against us.

Influence Inspires Action

Attempts to control others limit their ability to make decisions and take action. This can lead to a lack of motivation and engagement in tasks, as people feel like they have no ownership or investment in the outcome. However, when we use influence, we inspire others to take action by presenting our ideas in a persuasive and motivating way. People are more likely to follow through on actions that they feel inspired and motivated to do.

Influence Creates Impact

Influence is a powerful tool for creating impact and making a positive difference. When we use influence, we can help shape the opinions, behaviors, and actions of others in a way that aligns with our goals and values. This allows us to make a significant impact on our surroundings and bring about positive change.

Influence Fuels Innovation

Influence is also a key factor in driving innovation. When we inspire and motivate others through our influence, we can spark new ideas and approaches that lead to creativity and innovation. By using our influence wisely, we can encourage those around us to think outside the box and come up with innovative solutions to problems.

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How to Start Influencing Instead of Controlling

Shifting from control to influence requires intentional effort and a new mindset. Here are six steps that’ll help you get started.

1. Identify What You Can—and Can’t—Control

The first step is recognizing where your energy is most effective. Ask yourself, “What am I actually able to influence here, and what’s beyond my control?”

For example, while you can’t control how a coworker responds to feedback, you can control the clarity, tone, and timing of the feedback itself. By focusing on what you can do, you’re already becoming more strategic—and less stressed.

2. Get Curious Before Taking Action

Influence requires understanding the people and situations around you. Instead of rushing to fix a problem or correct someone else, ask questions like:

• “Why might they see things this way?”
• “How can I align this situation with their goals?”

This curiosity builds rapport and uncovers opportunities to collaborate.

3. Lead by Example

Actions always speak louder than words. If you want coworkers, friends, or family to follow your lead, demonstrate the behavior you’d like to see. Want your team to approach projects with optimism? Model that same optimism in your daily interactions.

When others see consistency between your values and your actions, they’ll naturally be more inclined to trust and follow your lead.

4. Tap Into Empathy

Empathy is the secret weapon of influence. It helps you step into someone else’s shoes and address their concerns in a meaningful way.

Imagine a partner who’s hesitant to try something new. Instead of pushing or coercing, take the time to validate their fears: “I understand that this change might feel overwhelming. What worries you the most about it?”

From there, you can guide the conversation toward a solution rather than sparking resistance.

5. Communicate with Clarity and Respect

Mixed messages and aggressive demands will destroy your influence faster than almost anything else. Instead, focus on clear, direct, and respectful communication. Use “I” statements where possible. For example, say, “I think this approach will help us meet our goals” instead of “You need to do this differently.”

Being clear and kind allows for honest dialogue and keeps others engaged.

6. Be Patient with Results

Remember, influence often works slowly. Seeds take time to grow, and your efforts to inspire change or guide a situation may not bear fruit right away.

Resist the urge to step in and control matters if things don’t unfold as quickly as you’d hoped. Trust in the process—and in the people you’re engaging with. Sometimes the best results come from giving others the time and space to find their own solutions.

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The Reality of It All

In the end, our ability to control or influence others is inherently limited. People will make their own choices, often beyond the reach of our desires or intentions. Strive to do your best, but accept that their actions are ultimately theirs to decide, not yours to dictate.