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Hey Pandas, AITA For Planning With My Colleague Unaware Of Her Fiancé’s Past?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (28F) recently got into a huge argument with my fiancé, John (36M), over what I thought was an innocent plan to hang out with my colleague Andrea and her fiancé Andrew. Here’s the context:
A few days ago, after more than half a day drive home from our holiday, John and I went out for drinks with Andrea and her fiancé (who flew in from another country), and a few other friends. Andrea and I have become good friends through work, but we don’t get to see each other often since she works remotely and moved abroad two years ago.
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During the drinks, I suggested that while she’s here, we should meet up for drinks more or something fun
Image credits: Joyce Romero (not the actual photo)
Naturally, I included her fiancé, Andrew, in the invitation—he’s her partner, after all. For context, this was my first time meeting Andrew since they moved shortly after I joined the company.
John is not a big fan of plans outside his comfort zone (we jokingly call it his “bubble”), so I light-heartedly told him, “If you don’t want to join, that’s okay. I’ll still go with them.” This wasn’t meant maliciously—it’s a dynamic we’ve always joked about.
John got really quiet, but I assumed he was tired from the drive
Image credits: A. L. (not the actual photo)
Later, when he said he wanted to go home, I told him I understood but would stay a bit longer and let a friend (not Andrea or Andrew) drop me off. John got irritable, saying he didn’t want me staying with “this crowd.” He refused to explain, so I brushed it off. (the rest of of our friends who joined us for drinks are very close friends to both John and I who we hang out with on a regular basis, so I found this comment quite strange, hence why I brushed it off).
On the drive home, things exploded. John angrily revealed that Andrew used to sleep with his ex several years ago, and when John confronted him back then, Andrew denied it despite there being evidence and witnesses. This history made John feel uncomfortable, especially with me joking about going out even if he didn’t join.
We had a massive fight in the car. John accused me of prioritising plans with “Andrew” (even though I’d focused on Andrea when inviting them)
Image credits: Eric Ward (not the actual photo)
He insisted and I said I’d go out “with him” no matter what. I was completely blindsided—I had no idea about their history and was just trying to spend time with Andrea. To me, Andrew was there by proxy as her fiancé.
I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong. How was I supposed to know about this history? And even if I had known, I don’t think it’s fair to expect me to cancel plans entirely or exclude Andrea just because of John’s unresolved issues with Andrew.
John and I have talked it out since, but I still feel hurt and confused as he still thought the fight was mainly my fault because of my ‘actions’. AITA here?
Expert’s Advice
1. Start by validating his feelings.
John’s reaction isn’t just about the present—it’s tied to unresolved emotions from his past. It’s really important for OP to let him know his feelings are valid. A simple, ‘I didn’t realize this would bring up something tough for you, and I’m sorry,’ can go a long way toward defusing tension.
2. Be clear about what you meant.
A lot of misunderstandings happen when intentions aren’t explained. OP should take the time to say, ‘I just wanted to spend time with Andrea. Andrew was part of the mix because they’re engaged, but my focus was on her.’ Reassuring John that there was no prioritizing of Andrew can help rebuild trust.
3. Work together to set boundaries.
Boundaries are key in situations like this. OP and John could talk about what feels comfortable for both of them. Maybe that’s meeting Andrea without Andrew involved or having John present when Andrew is around. The goal is to make sure John feels safe and respected.
4. Dig into the deeper issue.
John’s anger isn’t just about this hangout—it’s about unresolved resentment with Andrew. It might help to gently encourage him to process that, whether it’s through a conversation with someone he trusts or even therapy. It’s not about forcing anything but giving him the tools to work through those old feelings.
5. Focus on strengthening your connection.
Moments like this can actually be an opportunity to grow closer. OP can emphasize her commitment to John by spending time doing things they both enjoy or reassuring him that his feelings matter. It’s about turning this conflict into a chance to build a stronger partnership.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or events discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
Traveling Lady Railfan 1 week ago
John, use your words. Seriously???Just pull your girlfriend aside for a minute, and tell her, "look I want to go, I know this guy, he's the one my girlfriend cheated on me with. I want to go." Is it that hard to do? Cuz otherwise, you're punishing your girlfriend for not being able to read your mind. (And guys accuse us of doing that all the time..."I can't read your mind! If something's wrong I have to tell me") Takes 10 seconds to explain, and then you're both on the same page.
Tabitha 1 week ago (edited)
Listen, I feel for John having an issue with Andrew, but ffs, why didn’t he say anything about it when the idea for the double date was brought up? People who expect everyone else to read their minds and “just know” what they’re thinking are going to have very unhappy lives, because the vast majority of us are NOT psychic! TALK to us. Tell us WHY you’re having issues, doubts, reactions. Some of you are expert at hiding your feelings, and that makes it infinitely more difficult to figure out what’s going on with you. So just come TF out with it! Get us on the same page as you. If OP had known about John’s issues with Andrew, I feel confident saying she would have never even considered the double date, and never even thought of spending time around Andrew ever again. Men, talk to your partners. Please. We will understand. Those who don’t at least try to understand where you’re coming from aren’t worth dating, believe me, and it’s time to part ways with them after they fail that very important test. We all deserve to be with someone who we can trust to have our backs. But you have to talk to your partners first.
Traveling Lady Railfan 1 week ago
John, use your words. Seriously???Just pull your girlfriend aside for a minute, and tell her, "look I want to go, I know this guy, he's the one my girlfriend cheated on me with. I want to go." Is it that hard to do? Cuz otherwise, you're punishing your girlfriend for not being able to read your mind. (And guys accuse us of doing that all the time..."I can't read your mind! If something's wrong I have to tell me") Takes 10 seconds to explain, and then you're both on the same page.
Tabitha 1 week ago (edited)
Listen, I feel for John having an issue with Andrew, but ffs, why didn’t he say anything about it when the idea for the double date was brought up? People who expect everyone else to read their minds and “just know” what they’re thinking are going to have very unhappy lives, because the vast majority of us are NOT psychic! TALK to us. Tell us WHY you’re having issues, doubts, reactions. Some of you are expert at hiding your feelings, and that makes it infinitely more difficult to figure out what’s going on with you. So just come TF out with it! Get us on the same page as you. If OP had known about John’s issues with Andrew, I feel confident saying she would have never even considered the double date, and never even thought of spending time around Andrew ever again. Men, talk to your partners. Please. We will understand. Those who don’t at least try to understand where you’re coming from aren’t worth dating, believe me, and it’s time to part ways with them after they fail that very important test. We all deserve to be with someone who we can trust to have our backs. But you have to talk to your partners first.
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