I do not often watch sports films because I am, canonically, terrible at sports. Films about sports often remind me of this deficit, so I avoid them. There is too much negativity in the world already. But White Men Can't Jump, starring Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes, felt like an exception I should make. Look at that title. I, too, am a run of the mill white man who cannot jump. I was pleased to see this representation as a young man in Tennessee.
The film turns 30 this weekend. I remember our family owned the VHS growing up, but it was frequently on cable too, and when it was airing, no matter how far into the broadcast we came to it, my dad and I would always pause our day to watch. As it turns out, the title (much like the plot) is a con. Some white men can jump, which is a hefty portion of the film's premise. Billy and Sidney (Harrelson and Snipes, respectively) team up to hustle people out of their money by letting their opponents suspect that Billy can't play basketball. It's a nice film with a lot of laughs, but that's not why I've gathered all of you here today. No, we are here because of Rosie Perez.
The part of the film that enamored me from childhood through adulthood is the bizarre B-plot that centered on Billy's girlfriend, Gloria Clemente, played by Rosie Perez. Gloria is on the run with Billy because he has all these mob-related gambling debts, right? She has a deep love learning and a remarkable knowledge of general topics and spends her spare time reading and trying to brush up on random factoids, all to accomplish her goal of being (and winning a fortune) on Jeopardy! This was an objective I could get behind.
While Billy is running around expending all kinds of energy playing basketball, Gloria is investing in her future. She can be seen throughout the film quizzing herself on books of the Old Testament and foods that start with the letter Q. No one's paying attention to Gloria, but her powers are growing the entire film. Then she lands on the set with Alex Trebek, Jeopardy! judges, and a full audience. And friends, this isn't just a cutaway scene of Rosie Perez on Jeopardy! It's a good five to ten minute chunk of story. The best five-to-ten-minute chunk of the story.
Competing alongside an English teacher and a rocket scientist, Gloria enters the set in a sparkly black dress while Johnny Gilbert announces her as "a former disco queen from Brooklyn, New York." It's the Mount Sinai of Jeopardy! entrance lines. And, somehow, the scene climbs higher yet. Gloria stumbles on her first question about basketball (relatable), but then as it turns out, the rest of the prompts? Old Testament figures. Natural disasters. Foods that begin—yes—with the letter Q! That was the representation I needed. I was a kid who studied a lot and was strapped for cash. This was proof that if you do the homework, pick out something sparkly, and apply yourself, you can make good money with a potpourri of knowledge.
If memory serves me, Gloria helps Billy get out of his financial predicament and then leaves him for good, presumably realizing that her penchant for reading any and everything could be even more useful if she applied it outside of Jeopardy! as well. I'll be honest. A lot of times, I get distracted once Rosie Perez's big scene is over because Gloria is the heart and soul of White Men Can't Jump. She is the character most improved; the one who got out and the one who got away.
Watch 'White Men Can't Jump' on Hulu
Rosie Perez is doing great things, co-starring in the HBO Max smash hit The Flight Attendant and offering a much-needed light to 2021's cursed film Clifford the Big Red Dog. But I like to believe that Gloria is out there in a parallel universe thriving as well. Perhaps she went back to school and is now a professor. Maybe in this alternate timeline, she went on Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions and won big. Even better, in this multiverse, I like to believe she beat out Ken Jennings, Mayim Bialik, and LeVar Burton to become host, representing all the former disco queens with a love of trivia.
No matter the outcome, Gloria remains undefeated.
