Society might (slowly) be moving towards a greater awareness of sexual interests, orientations and gender identities, but myths around demisexuality and what it means still exist.
Being demisexual looks different to different people, but if you've ever felt like you're rarely attracted to people you see around you, felt sexually attracted to someone you were close to, or felt your emotional connection with someone directly affects if you're sexually attracted to them, you might be demisexual.
In essence, demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only feel sexual desire for people they have a strong emotional bond with. People who identify as demisexual can still be straight, gay or bisexual. They can also be uninterested in sex.
How is demisexuality different?
You might think demisexuality describes anyone not into casual sex or one night stands, but it's more nuanced than that. In fact, demisexuality falls on the asexuality spectrum, and describes the experience of having no sexual interest in anyone unless they've emotionally connected with them.
This sexual orientation is very different to when people choose or prefer not to have sex with anyone they're not in a relationship with or have deep feelings for. In this case, the difference is about attraction, not sex. For demisexual people, their desire relies on having a strong emotional bond with someone first, rather than becoming interested in forming an emotional bond because of a physical attraction. Whereas non-demisexual people can fancy strangers or even celebrities, demisexuals can't get to the physical attraction without a strong bond in the first place.
Are demisexuals asexual?
“Asexuality means to experience no or low levels of sexual attraction towards other people, regardless of their gender, or little to no sexual desire towards others,” asexuality activist Yasmin Benoit told GQ. “I like to think of it as the sexual orientation that just isn’t oriented anywhere.”
Demisexuality is considered part of the asexuality spectrum but does differ in small but significant ways. People who are demisexual commonly don't feel sexual desire for the most part, often only being attracted to a handful of people in their lifetime. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, according to the Demisexuality Resource Center.
While, like asexuals, many demisexuals are also uninterested in sex, the main difference is that demisexuals are capable of feeling sexual attraction. This feeling, however, only happens after they form a deep emotional bond with someone.
Where did the term demisexual come from?
A 2015 Wired article says the earliest recorded use of the term “demisexuality” is from 2006 on an Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) forum. Still, just because the term was only coined in recent years, it doesn't mean demisexual people didn't exist before then.
What kind of emotional bond do demisexuals need to feel attraction?
As with any kind of emotional bond, the Demisexuality Resource Center says the type of connection people need will differ for each person. The main key however is emotional intimacy, and some demisexuals can develop an attraction to close friends or romantic partners. Another key factor is familiarity with someone and a meaningful understanding about who they are. The amount of time to develop this emotional bond can vary, while for some it could take a short but intense experience, while others may require years.
Still, just because a demisexual person has an emotional bond with someone, doesn't mean sexual attraction will necessarily happen, much like anyone else. Demisexuals simply require these feelings as a precursor for desire to happen.
What are some signs of demisexuality?
Although not conclusive, here are some potential signs of demisexuality:
- Fancying a celebrity or acquaintance is something you've never experienced.
- You aren't attracted to someone unless you're friends with them or have known them for a long time.
- You’re unsure as to how people feel sexual attraction without first forming a close romantic bond.
- You're not usually interested in porn.
Even if you find yourself relating to lots of these characteristics, if you don't want to dig into whether you could be demisexual, there's no reason to feel you have to. Similarly, if the label feels like it fits that's great. The hope is that terms like demisexual offer people who identify with it the chance to feel reassured and validated, and for everyone to understand that sexuality is both expansive and fluid.
