Sex & the City convinced us that Mr. Right could be just around the corner: gazing at you adoringly from the other side of an art gallery; serving up a martini; helping to recover the contents of your Fendi Baguette on Fifth Avenue. But gone are the days of relying on fate and hoping that you’ll just happen to meet the love of your life in a crowded bar or by some chance encounter.
Dating is much more complex now than it was when meeting someone in real life was generally a prerequisite; before terms like 'ghosting' and ‘orbiting’ entered the lexicon. The rise of apps like Tinder, Bumble, Happn, and Raya have completely changed the game, and, according to a recent eHarmony study, over 50 per cent of couples will meet online by 2031.
“We actually hear that it’s outdated and old school to meet people in person now,” says Bumble’s chief brand officer, Alex Williamson. “When you’re meeting someone online, especially if you have no mutual connections, you’re able to get a broader view of who they are.”
Etiquette expert, Myka Meier (who has hosted classes on modern dating at The Plaza in New York), agrees. “The majority of people I speak to prefer to meet someone online. The advantages are that you can pre-screen compatibility basics such as age, living location, career choice, and other details.”
In a world that’s increasingly predicated on algorithms, it makes sense that technology would eventually transform the way we date. And, while advances in communications mean that following up with a (likely scripted and definitely humiliating) voicemail message is no longer necessary, it has introduced a new set of interactions to navigate.
We spoke with executives at the forefront of major dating apps, along with relationship psychologists and etiquette experts to get their advice on how to position yourself for success in the digital dating world.
First impressions count, and your profile is where you can present a positive and authentic version of yourself. One rule to remember is that less is not more. “Leaving the bio blank is the most common mistake that I see,” says Tinder’s Dr. Darcy.
eHarmony’s relationship expert, Rachael Lloyd, has also found that blank bios result in significantly less engagement. “We’ve found that a 250-word profile gets around 50 per cent more interest than a shorter one.” So, beyond revealing basic demographic information, what are some beneficial things to include?
Alex Williamson advises sharing specific examples or anecdotes that show what sets you apart. “Lots of people are fun, outgoing, adventurous, love to travel, or enjoy being active. But, if you like to cook, what’s your favourite dish to make? Have you been to a great concert or festival recently? What’s your favourite local spot on a Saturday night?” Including details that go beyond generic adjectives can enhance interest considerably.
It’s also helpful to set the tone on why you’re there. Are you simply looking for a fling or are you searching for someone to settle down with? “If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, think about the impression that you’re creating,” says Rachael Lloyd. “If you use steamy words or pictures then you will probably attract steamy approaches, regardless of your gender. The same goes for flippant or shallow profiles.” Another thing that experts recommend is including an open-ended question in your bio. “It gives matches a place to begin a conversation with you,” says Dr. Darcy.
And then, of course, there are the photographs - a topic that spurs some definite dos and don’ts. Unsurprisingly, smiling has its benefits. “It has been shown to increase the odds of getting a right swipe by 14 per cent,” says Dr. Darcy, who adds that facing forward is the way to go, rather than posting an artsy side pic. “People who face forward in photos are 20 per cent more likely to be swiped right on.”
Including photos where you’re easily identifiable is something that Myka Meier also encourages. “Be conscious of group pics where it’s hard to see who is who and ones where you are wearing sunglasses. Also, use up to date photos, and steer clear of anything that is strongly photoshopped or edited.”
Lastly, Alex Williamson suggests asking friends for their opinions. “Allow your closest confidantes to take a look at your camera roll or Instagram and help to select photos. It's been scientifically proven that letting someone else choose your profile photo results in more matches!”
Fifty years ago, there were codes of conduct that were very traditional. It was an era where chivalry was commonplace - gentlemen opened doors and held out chairs for women - but the etiquette of those times is quite different to some of the standards on the dating scene today.
Take, for instance, Myka Meier’s friend, who agreed to meet someone at a bar. “She arrived early and texted the date saying that she was there along with what she was wearing and where she was sitting. When her date walked in, he came up to her and before she could even shake his hand, he told her that her body didn’t look like he remembered from her photos and walked out. She was mortified, but I told her he is the one that should be embarrassed for behaving like that,” Meier explains.
Sheer rudeness, along with the proliferation of vulgar and perverted messages, is a depressing byproduct of the digital era. Asking someone to undress wouldn’t be your standard opening line in reality, but on dating apps, it’s fairly common, and it doesn’t pay off for anyone.
“The relationship basics of respect, honesty, openness and manners are backed by the stats!” says Zoe Coetzee, a relationship psychologist for EliteSingles. “A recent survey revealed that the biggest turnoff is sexual innuendo; 23 per cent of our members concluded that it is the number one dating profile no-no.” And for when you move things into reality? “The leading first date deal breaker is getting too drunk,” says Coetzee.
“More modern concerns are now also relevant, with 60 per cent of men saying that a date constantly checking their phone is a big deal breaker. We’ve also found that 1 in 5 American singles would put off a second date with someone who immediately added them on social media, and issues such as emoji selection have also become increasingly important.”
Although, people tend to be more casual with correspondence with the rise of digital culture, maintaining manners both on and offline is key. Dr. Darcy adds that your personal values and standards should come across in everything that you do. “If you’re someone who works hard and has high standards for yourself, make sure that comes across in your communications.”
It’s the ultimate silent treatment: someone just drifts off into oblivion, never to be heard from again. Being ghosted is a blow, and according to a survey by dating site, Plenty of Fish, 80 per cent of millennials have been victims of ghosting at least once.
“If you have been ghosted, move on - you don’t want to date someone who doesn’t even respect you enough to text you back,” advises Meier. “But, if you are being orbited, don’t be afraid to reach out one last time and see if they want to meet up. If they don’t reply or say no, then unfollow and move on. If your intentions don’t meet theirs, then there is little reason to continue following someone.”
Dr. Darcy believes in a hard and fast time rule when it comes to ghosting: “If you haven’t heard from someone in 24 hours, there is a high possibility that you won’t hear from them again.”
This sharp method of avoidance can be haunting, but try not to take it too personally. “Ghosting isn’t about the person being rejected. It’s about the ‘ghost’ not having the courage to state that things aren’t working so well for them,” says Rachael Lloyd. “It suggests a fear of confrontation and a lack of maturity - you can do better.”
“Sundays in general are the best and busiest time to send an online message,” says Zoe Coetzee. “This is especially true for EliteSingles, where our members tend to be busy during the working week. Message volume is at its lowest on Fridays, so don’t sit around waiting for a message - save that night for date night! On Sundays 11 per cent more messages are sent than on your average day, so curl up with a glass of wine on a Sunday and start messaging!”
It’s also key to know when to move offline, so you’re not stuck in a dead-end conversation, letting the moment pass. “People can spend a lot of time chatting on the apps or sites instead of meeting in the flesh. That’s why we always encourage people to get offline once they’ve matched and go on a date,” says Rachael Lloyd. “Nothing beats real-life chemistry!”
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