Codependent relationships typically involve one partner, the “giver,” prioritizing the needs of another, the “taker.” Therapy may rebalance and heal codependent relationships. Or you may seek to leave such a relationship.

One of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship is a mutual give and take between yourself and the other person. When a relationship honors both of your needs, both of you can thrive.

But what happens when you sacrifice your thoughts, feelings, time, and “self” for the other person, or the other person’s needs are prioritized over your own?

Such relationships are often referred to as codependent relationships, and they can be extremely difficult for everyone involved.

People often fall into one of two roles in a codependent relationship: the caretaker (the giver or enabler) or the taker.

The caretaker in a codependent relationship prioritizes the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and needs over their own. They often don’t take care of themselves — emotionally and physically — and spend a large amount of time caring for the other person.

The taker in the relationship often takes advantage of this caretaking, intentionally or unintentionally. The taker’s needs may overshadow the caretaker’s, so much so that the caretaker may completely lose their sense of self.

Codependency can become a cycle in which the:

  • caretaker continues to give
  • taker continues to take advantage
  • relationship becomes unbalanced and dysfunctional

Although every relationship looks different, here are some signs that you might be taking on a caregiver role in a codependent relationship.

Speaking with a therapist may help you recognize your caretaking role in a codependent relationship and provide recommendations for overcoming or safely leaving it.

1. You’re not able to dedicate the time or energy to your own needs and wants.

You might have trouble taking care of your own needs or desires. Because you’re doing more of the “work” in the relationship, whether physical or emotional, you often leave little time for yourself.

2. You have trouble spending time with other people or doing personal hobbies.

You might notice that you feel guilty when you need to focus on your own needs. You might feel that you’re unable to spend time apart from the other person, or even do things with other people.

And when the other person doesn’t notice your efforts, you might become hurt or upset.

3. You feel as if you can somehow control or change the other person.

As the caretaker in the relationship, you might feel a strong sense of responsibility for the other person, including how they feel or act. You might even feel it’s your responsibility to change or save the other person from themself or others.

4. You find it difficult to feel OK without the other person’s presence or approval.

You might feel your feelings depend on the other person’s approval. You may be afraid they’ll leave if you don’t meet their approval when they’re not around — or even when they are.

5. You have difficulty being sure of how the relationship makes you feel.

You might have trouble recognizing your feelings if you’ve constantly prioritized someone else’s needs over your own. And when you think about the relationship, you might have difficulty pinpointing exactly how it makes you feel.

Being the “taker” in a codependent relationship doesn’t have to be a permanent condition, and the first step toward a healthier relationship is recognizing what’s happening.

If you find yourself answering yes to any of the following questions, it may be helpful to look for a therapist to help you work through these issues.

1. Do you find yourself always blaming your partner when there’s an issue?

It may be a sign of an unhealthy relationship perspective if you feel your partner is to blame when problems arise, instead of taking responsibility, even when they may not be directly involved in the issue.

2. Do you recognize that your partner loves you so much you could do about anything, and they would stay with you?

It’s expected to have boundaries and standards that would cause you to leave if they were broken in a relationship. No one in the relationship should feel they must stay in it — for any reason.

If your partner has expressed that nothing you could do would ever cause them to break up with you, it may be a sign of codependency.

3. Does your partner meet your needs before you’re even aware you had the need at all?

This goes beyond taking an interest in your life and doing nice things for each other. The caretaker may devote all their time and energy to caring for their partner’s needs and wants. A sign of this could be your partner not having hobbies or friends.

4. Do you find that substance use or mental health conditions cause you to lash out at your partner?

Substance use isn’t uncommon for those involved in a codependent relationship. It’s also possible for mental health conditions to contribute to this relationship style.

If you find that your mental health or substance use is causing stress for you or your relationship, a therapist can help you plan for living a happier and healthier life.

Much of the original research on codependency explored relationships where one partner had a substance use disorder.

The research on codependent relationships has since evolved, and mental health professionals recognize these relationships can happen between anyone, including:

  • Parents: Codependent relationships are especially common in children or adults who have parents with substance use disorders but may also occur through many types of emotional abuse. For example, someone whose parents couldn’t control their emotions might learn to ignore their own thoughts and feelings to appease that parent.
  • Family: Having a family member or loved one with a physical or mental health condition is another common source of codependent relationships. Someone who’s the sole caregiver of a relative with a chronic illness, for example, might forget to care for their own needs.
  • Partner: Romantic relationships between partners or spouses may become codependent. For example, someone raised to believe they have a strict role to play in the household may dedicate all their time to making sure that the other person is taken care of — even over their own needs.
  • Friends: Close friendships or work relationships may become codependent, especially if there’s an uneven give-or-take. When one friend always decides when and where you spend time, for example, feelings of codependency may arise.

Research from 2021 suggests that substance use disorder may still have a large role in the risk of developing codependency. But mental and physical conditions and substance misuse may all increase the risk of codependency.

A codependent relationship isn’t healthy, and it may lead to long-term emotional effects for everyone involved.

While there’s no way to say exactly how a codependent relationship might affect someone, some of the potential emotional effects of being in a codependent relationship are:

  • loss of self-trust and self-confidence
  • lack of trust in other people
  • trouble setting boundaries, especially intimate ones
  • difficulty adjusting to or accepting change
  • difficulty communicating with others about needs
  • feeling the need to lie or be dishonest to avoid conflict
  • having trouble making decisions for oneself
  • experiencing strong emotions like anger, fear, or guilt

Some research suggests that being in a codependent relationship may even change the way you perceive your own behaviors and others’ behaviors.

One recent study from 2022 explored coping skills, relationship perception, and life satisfaction in almost 250 participants. Researchers discovered that participants in codependent relationships were more likely to:

  • harshly judge their partners’ coping mechanisms
  • view their relationship as being problematic

Codependent relationships are complicated, and sometimes it can be hard to recognize when you’re in one. You can, however:

  • work through codependent relationships
  • change your behaviors
  • build a healthy relationship

Can you fix or change a codependent relationship?

You may be wondering if it’s possible to heal a codependent relationship. The short answer is yes. The healing, however, must come from both people involved, including the giver and the taker.

One of the first steps in healing a codependent relationship is to reach out for help. This is an important step because if you’ve been in a codependent relationship for a long time, you might not realize how your actions may harm others and yourself.

With professional help, you can learn how to:

  • rediscover yourselves
  • care for each other
  • work together as a couple

Helping someone else in a codependent relationship

If someone you love is in a codependent relationship, especially someone in the caretaker position, it’s natural to want to step in and help.

Be gentle when approaching the subject, however, as the person is likely already in a difficult position. Don’t place blame or judge them.

Instead, provide the tools and resources to get help if they want it. Let them know you’ll always be there for them, no matter their decision.

Support friends who appear to be in the taker position of a codependent relationship. Depending on their upbringing and personal history, they may be unaware of how their actions affect those around them.

As someone they trust, you’re in a great position to help them gain perspective on their relationships and grow.

Safely leaving a codependent relationship

Because codependent relationships are built on an uneven power dynamic, some may involve emotional abuse.

If you’re in a relationship that makes you feel unsafe in any way, help is available:

  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers help and resources 24/7 at 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
  • The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has a full page of resources for people who experience abuse or who are working with people who experience domestic violence and abuse.
  • The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence partners with organizations across the country to educate people on domestic violence.

Getting support for codependent relationships

If you or a loved one is in a codependent relationship, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. Some resources for organizations that may be able to help are:

Codependent relationships involve one partner in the “caretaker” position who seeks to fulfill the needs and wants of the “taker.”

Whether you’re the giver or the taker in a codependent relationship, being in this type of dysfunctional relationship hurts everyone involved. But codependent relationships can heal into healthy relationships if both partners are willing to put in the work.

Remember, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to go through this process alone, either — professional help is available, whenever you’re ready to take that step.