The Naked Truth Is Simple: A Cover-Up Can Be Beneficial

Mike Royko, the Chicago Tribune columnist, recently sought a cure for Zeke Mowatt’s “Jumping Around the Locker Room Naked and Talking Dirty to Women Disorder.”

On behalf of Mowatt, the New England Patriot tight end who reportedly taunted and exposed himself to Boston Herald reporter Lisa Olson, Royko consulted “Dr. I. M. Kookie, a noted authority on lots of stuff.”

The doctor told the columnist: “I’d say, ‘Zeke, here is the problem. When the female sportswriters come in the locker room, you are naked. So the solution to the problem is for you not to be naked. So put on a bathrobe, and you won’t be naked anymore.’ ”

Royko: “Ah, the old bathrobe trick.”

Dr. Kookie: “Exactly. Our research shows that when naked people put on bathrobes, we have a 100% success rate in making them not naked.”

Trivia time: The Outland Trophy, honoring college football’s outstanding interior lineman, was first awarded in 1946. Which school has had the most winners?

News in a nutshell: From Hal Bock of the Associated Press:

“A’s failed and Buster was a bust. Go For Wand died giving a little extra going for the wire and Colorado won by being given an extra play at the gun.

“An outrageous October for sports.”

Hang onto them, though: The paper used to make the 1990-91 USC men’s and women’s basketball media guides is 100% recyclable.

We get the point: Race driver Jan Lammers, who won last year’s Southern California Grand Prix at Del Mar, expressed concern recently as he looked ahead to this year’s event, scheduled for Nov. 11.

Said Lammers: “I can’t tell you how difficult it is to create a winning spirit in a team that isn’t winning.”

Split decision: Mike DeCourcy of the Pittsburgh Press recently wrote about a testimonial dinner for Pittsburgh native Billy Conn, 73, the former light heavyweight champion.

In attendance was former featherweight champion Willie Pep, 68.

Said Pep, who has been married six times: “Three of my wives were very good housekeepers. After we got divorced, they kept the house.”

Take his word for it: Sacramento Bee columnist Joe Hamelin drew a connection among (a) Colorado’s refusing to forfeit its “fifth down” victory over Missouri, (b) Buster Douglas’ $24-million payday for seven minutes in “defense” of his heavyweight title and (c) the Minnesota Vikings’ Herschel Walker, who is paid a fortune as a miscast running back on a team whose style doesn’t fit his skills.

Never mind that the Vikings traded for Walker, not vice versa; Hamelin’s column is a clever variation on the old take-the-money-and-run theme.

And to drive his point home, Hamelin threw another character into the mix--himself. He wrote: “If you gave me $24 million to write only one column, I guess it might be the last one I’d write. But I would try my level best to make it a very good column. I would do that much for you.”

Add Hamelin: Of Colorado’s tainted victory, he wrote: “Everyone saw what was happening except the officials.

“But three weeks have passed and Colorado hasn’t conceded the victory, nor is it inclined to, largely because the 7-1-1 team has a chance at a bowl berth. It would mean millions of dollars to the university. And a school can’t spend sportsmanship.”

Trivia answer: Nebraska, with Larry Jacobson in 1971, Rich Glover in 1972, Dave Rimington in 1981 and ’82 and Dean Steinkuhler in 1983.

Quotebook: Champion bowler Don Carter: “One of the advantages of bowling over golf is that you very seldom lose a bowling ball.”