How can you listen better in conflicts?

Set your intention: Ask yourself "What is the greatest possible outcome? Imagine sitting or standing side by side rather than a face off.

Acknowledging our diverse perspectives and experiences opens the door to mindfulness and empathy. In conflicts, emotions like anger, hurt, and fear can hinder listening. To improve, practice emotional awareness and regulation. Empathy is vital; understand the other person's feelings, even if you disagree. Use active listening techniques: pay attention, summarize, and avoid interruptions. These tips lead to better conflict resolution. It's challenging but worth trying for a respectful exchange.

It's not easy to prepare yourself when you're in a conflict, as emotions are high and it's very easy to just overreact. If the conflict is written (for example, via email), then I make sure I do not respond for 24 hours. I let myself cool down, and I re-read it in 24 hours' time. Usually, my response is very different. If the conflict is in person, it's much more difficult. But try counting to three in your head before you respond. It seems like a long time in the heat of things, so it not only calms you down, but it gives the other person a moment to breathe too. You want to try and avoid the conflict at all costs - it usually won't benefit anyone. So, do what you can to deflate it.

The key is to let go of the outcome. Determine your clear point of view, decide on your intended outcome and then prepare yourself to really be “in” the conversation. That means recognizing that the outcome is not completely within your control and being open to other options. Being present is everything, and a real challenge. So make it your intention and keep reminding yourself when your mind wanders to attachment to your desired outcome. Maybe there’s a better resolution.

The rudest thing you can do is not pay attention! That's only going to aggravate the person more. If they're already upset/annoyed about something, then you don't want to give them another reason to be upset. Be fully present so that you can truly listen and understand their concerns. Perhaps this is why there was a problem in the first place - your full attention wasn't given and there was a miscommunication.

Non verbals including body language matters more than one can imagine! Make sure they match what is coming out of your mouth i.e. your verbals.

There are two recommendations here, so let's spilt them out: 1⃣ Acknowledge that you have emotions and reactions before, during and after an interaction that involves conflict. ✳️ It can be helpful to write down your emotions/reactions on a piece of paper to allow extra space in your mind to focus on the conversation. 2⃣ Acknowledge the other person's emotions/reactions including that this may not be how they want to communicate around this topic. ✳️ Empathy does not mean you completely feel their emotions. Acknowledge that you are open to understanding with openings like, "Help me understand what happened to get you to this feeling/reaction."

Dismissing other people's emotions often leads to stronger emotions. People are entitled to feel a certain way. Even if you don't agree with what they have to say, their feelings can still be valid. Respect that they have these feelings and try to understand them. You don't have to feel the same way that they do to still respect them. Sometimes, many people just want acknowledgement of their feelings and this alone can help placate the situation.

A lot of times where anger is involved, there is/are an underlying emotion/s which have not been recognized, acknowledged and/ or resolved. Find out what these emotions are and you'd be surprised how easily an issue/s can be resolved.

It's very natural for people to feel defensive when in a conflict. But this can cause further conflict. Use the advice above about counting to three and give yourself some time to reflect on what was said. Perhaps they aren't blaming you for anything. Even ask questions for clarity, rather than jumping in and countering. Try to stay calm where you can (easier said than done!) and express how you feel clearly, without pointing any fingers so that they can acknowledge your feelings in the matter.

Conflicts usually arise from differing opinions or a miscommunication, both of which can be avoided if there is mutual respect and open lines of CLEAR communication. So, ask lots of questions, clarify things and do not judge. Try to understand the other person's point of view, their values and their goals. With a bit more understanding into who they are, you can adapt and even agree to disagree.

In most scenarios everyone involved is wanting the same goal they might just see the "how" differently. Remember to look for the common vision/purpose or goal and re-establish the conversation as an opportunity to discover or co-create a better solution.