What do you do if your peer in Peer Support is consistently unreliable?

As dull as this sounds... get the expectations in writing, or some other format that you can re-refer to. If writing words isn't for you, use a video recording, or even create a collage. As long as you know what is meant and intended.

It is also important that you set boundaries and are aware of the consequences for yourself. Listen to your inner dialogue, and pay attention to how your body feels. It can often be a signal that something is not okay for you. When we talk about consequences we often think about the initial thing that results. What is also important is for us to think about how to manage and support ourselves through consequences. This can be self-care activities, but can also be setting an agreement with ourselves to end the peer relationship at a certain point.

You also need to seek feedback from yourself. When we experience not okay behaviour we can brush it off and move on with our day. Journalling, or keeping records of how we feel and what we are thinking can be useful. They can be logs to go back to that sense-check how we are feeling. Whether this is a pattern of behaviour, or a one-off. It can also be helpful in identifying what we need to support ourselves- recording what we did, and how effective it is to help us in the peer support space.

Yes, always fact check before accepting any new information. While we need peer support. It’s important to check it authenticity.

Being clear about what you bring to the relationship and what you want to get out of it is a really good first step- recording this somewhere you can refer back to. Almost a project or person specification list. This can help you sense-check whether what you are getting today is meeting your needs. It also helps you re-evaluate whether your needs have changed. As well as being able to reflect back to the peer support the boundaries and expectations set at the beginning of the relationship. Finally- there is something about spending time reflecting on the support you need to go through a 'break-up'. This may include accepting the emotional journey as you un-mesh and finding space to explore what you need now.

In my experience, getting to know the expectations of peers and their definitions of why they belong to a group is key to understanding their behavior. Some may treat a peer group to be a place to demonstrate their need for recognition and others may treat the group as a warm and safe place to share their successes and learn from others. A clear definition and common ground needs to be agreed upon upfront. The diversity of personalities show up when people share a common platform in a relaxed environment.

Recognise that self-care is a selfless act. It gives us the resources and capacity to give to others. Without this we can create an unhelpful feedback loop. Self-care is more than the big things. It is creating habits which create energy and enthusiasm. Embedding processes or tools that remove friction from your world. It is not your responsibility for your peer supports unreliability, but there may be opportunity for you to reflect with them how this impacts on you. Holding space to express how you feel can create capacity for you to talk about the way forward- even if this is ending the arrangement.