Your manager lacks emotional intelligence. How can you effectively provide feedback?

A word of caution, because we do tend to blame managers for a lot of things, and as soon as a behaviour does not please us - than they must be a narcissist, toxic or lack emotional intelligence. So make sure that your conclusion of low levels of emotional intelligence is based on discernment, not judgement, over a longer period of time. This will also help you better understand their personality, their ways of working and work with them in their map of the world. The more you understand them, the less defensive they will be to your feedback and the more incentivised they will feel to understand you. There is little place for ego in this dynamic if you truly want to improve your relationship. But also know when toxic is simply toxic.

When your manager lacks emotional intelligence, giving feedback can be challenging but crucial. Here’s how to approach it: Choose the Right Time: Find a calm, private moment to discuss your concerns without distractions. Be Specific: Use concrete examples to illustrate how their behavior impacts the team. Use “I” Statements: Frame your feedback from your perspective to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel...” Focus on Solutions: Suggest ways to improve, like emotional intelligence training or team-building activities. Be Empathetic: Acknowledge their challenges and express your willingness to support their growth. Approaching this with tact and empathy can foster a more emotionally intelligent workplace.

I can add to all these tips: If your manager lacks EI, that means they will not be able to empathize with your opinion and may not recognize their mistakes. But do not worry; the human resources specialist will help and support you in the feedback process. Being emotionally intelligent also means recognizing a problematic situation, complex personality and asking for help.

𝗖𝗵𝗼𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗹𝗺 𝗠𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁: Select a time when your manager is not stressed or busy, ensuring they are more likely to be receptive to feedback. 𝗣𝗿𝗶𝘃𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗦𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴: Arrange for a private setting to discuss the feedback, avoiding distractions and ensuring confidentiality. 𝗕𝗲 𝗧𝗶𝗺𝗲𝗹𝘆: Provide feedback soon after observing behaviours that lack emotional intelligence, ensuring the context is fresh and relevant, but not in the heat of the moment.

It’s crucial to find the right time to provide feedback. A time when your manager is open to receiving feedback and not preoccupied with other tasks. This could be during a one-on-one meeting or a performance review session. The goal is to ensure that the feedback is given in a calm, non-confrontational manner.

When providing feedback, it’s important to have specific examples to illustrate your points. These examples should be recent, factual, and clear. They should highlight instances where a lack of emotional intelligence was evident, without being overly critical or personal.

Los ejemplos deben ser como que estuviera describiendo lo que se ve en un video de una camara que hubiera grabado la situacion. Ser sumamente objetivo enfocaso en los hechos y no es suposiciones o interpretaciones de los hechos

Al ofrecer retroalimentación a alguien que quizás no posea una alta inteligencia emocional, es crucial aportar ejemplos concretos. Las generalizaciones pueden ser ignoradas o interpretadas erróneamente, pero los ejemplos específicos ilustran claramente cómo ciertos comportamientos afectan al equipo o al proyecto. Mantenerse objetivo y centrarse en los comportamientos permite una conversación más centrada en soluciones y evita que la persona se sienta atacada, lo que puede ser contraproducente.

Using “I” statements can help make the feedback feel less accusatory. For example, instead of saying “You don’t listen to your team”, you could say “I feel that my ideas are not being heard”. This approach focuses on your feelings and perceptions, reducing the likelihood of defensive reactions.

Using "I" statements can be effective when delivered mindfully. This is easier said than done because people like to blame others but not be accountable of feelings. And even more difficult to handle managers who lack empathy. So, this can be a practice of using "I" statements, for example - instead of saying "You never recognize my projects & listen to my ideas in meetings" - say: "I feel that my projects & ideas are not recognized & heard"; "I would appreciate if you can take the time to go through my new ideas, which will be beneficial for our organization" This technique will encourage empathetic responses.

𝗘𝘅𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗜𝗺𝗽𝗮𝗰𝘁: Use "I" statements to explain how your manager’s behaviour affects you personally, such as "I feel overwhelmed when instructions are given without clear communication." 𝗔𝘃𝗼𝗶𝗱 𝗕𝗹𝗮𝗺𝗲: Frame your feedback in a way that focuses on your own feelings and experiences, rather than blaming or criticising the manager, e.g., "I notice that I perform better when feedback is constructive and supportive." 𝗦𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗜𝗺𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀: Pair your "I" statements with constructive suggestions, such as "I feel more motivated when I receive positive reinforcement along with constructive feedback."

Comunicarse con un gerente que puede carecer de inteligencia emocional (IE) requiere un enfoque cuidadoso y reflexivo. Utilizar declaraciones en primera persona ayuda a expresar tus puntos de vista de manera que se perciban como personales y no acusatorias. Este método promueve una comunicación más abierta y empática, lo que puede facilitar una mejor comprensión y fomentar cambios positivos en la dinámica de trabajo. Es una herramienta valiosa para construir puentes de entendimiento y mejorar las relaciones interpersonales en el entorno laboral.

Manage your emotions before hand and frame your feedback from your perspective to avoid sounding like you are accusing. For instance, “I felt uncomfortable when you dismissed my idea in the meeting,” instead of “You always dismiss my ideas.

Simply pointing out the problem without providing a way to address it can be counterproductive. Try to come up with specific suggestions on how they can improve their emotional intelligence. When giving feedback to your manager, it's crucial to communicate clearly and respectfully. Avoid using accusatory language or making personal attacks. Instead, focus on the behaviour or actions that you have observed and how they have affected you or the team. Timing is key when it comes to providing feedback to your manager about their emotional intelligence. Choose a time when they are not feeling stressed or overwhelmed, and when you can have a private conversation without interruptions.

After presenting your observations, propose possible solutions. This could involve suggesting resources for improving emotional intelligence, such as books, courses, or coaching. Offering solutions shows that you’re invested in your manager’s growth and not just pointing out flaws.

La retroalimentación constructiva se potencia al ofrecer soluciones prácticas. Al sugerir métodos de mejora, como talleres, lecturas o coaching, no solo se señalan las áreas de crecimiento, sino que también se muestra un compromiso activo con el desarrollo profesional del gerente. Este enfoque transforma la crítica en una oportunidad para el cambio positivo y el crecimiento personal, fortaleciendo la relación laboral y fomentando un ambiente de mejora continua.

After providing feedback, it’s important to follow up to see if any changes are being made. This could be done informally through observation or formally during another feedback session. Following up shows that you’re genuinely interested in improvement and not just criticizing.

𝗖𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸-𝗜𝗻 𝗥𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝗿𝗹𝘆: Schedule follow-up meetings to discuss progress and any changes in behaviour, demonstrating your commitment to ongoing improvement and support. 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗥𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗰𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁: Acknowledge and appreciate any positive changes or efforts made by your manager, reinforcing the importance of emotional intelligence. 𝗔𝗱𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘀 𝗡𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗲𝗱: Be open to adjusting your feedback approach based on the manager’s response and the outcomes, ensuring continuous improvement in communication and emotional intelligence.

El seguimiento después de ofrecer retroalimentación es un paso crucial que muestra interés genuino en el crecimiento y la mejora continua. No se trata de cuestionar, sino de confirmar la utilidad de los comentarios y de fomentar medidas proactivas para el desarrollo. Este proceso subraya la buena intención detrás de la retroalimentación y abre caminos para un diálogo y apoyo constantes, fortaleciendo así la relación profesional y el compromiso con la excelencia.

A Team Based EI game that I love to introduce to my teams is “{THE AND} Coworkers Edition.” It’s a series of 199 icebreaker conversation cards for the workplace but it’s more than just a team building game, it can also help you with your vulnerability and EI. Remember that good leaders make their people feel safe. If you can relay this to your manager and provide some tools to help them make you feel safe, it’s a win win for everyone.

Encourage your manager to learn more about emotional intelligence. This could be through reading books, attending workshops, or seeking coaching. Emphasize the benefits of emotional intelligence not just for them personally, but also for the team and the organization as a whole.

𝗥𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝗥𝗲𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗰𝗲𝘀: Suggest books, articles, or online courses on emotional intelligence that could help your manager develop their skills, such as "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝗽𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗧𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴: Advocate for professional development opportunities like workshops or seminars focused on emotional intelligence and leadership skills. 𝗠𝗼𝗱𝗲𝗹 𝗘𝗜: Demonstrate emotional intelligence in your interactions, setting a positive example and subtly encouraging your manager to adopt similar behaviours.