How can you help a leader develop emotional intelligence when they are resistant to feedback?

Instead of thinking “this leader is resisting my attempt to help them be more emotionally intelligent” you might think “this leader is driven to be or do something that they value deeply, and they may well view attempts to coach them as resistance against their deeply held value.” In other words, maybe they see the well-meaning coach as the resistor. So the first job to be done is give deep empathy to the leader and work to find out what they are so driven to do — for example, maybe they are driven to get results to keep the company afloat to keep people employed and honor their commitment to the workforce. Start with curiosity to discover what they value most and want to achieve. Then help them see how EQ can help them achieve it.

Based on my experience, building trust and strong rapport are the fundamental ingredients for being effective in providing feedback. You need to be honest and get a reputation of loyalty and genuine for getting your feedback through. This applies to a coach but also a manager or friend!

In my coaching experience there's a tie to past adverse experience with feedback. Meaning the leader has been given it in ways that injured and left them hyper-sensitive. No room for emotional intelligence and rational parsing. This is unquestionably triggering and activates their resistance. Which is now a defense mechanism. So start by uncovering their story; help them connect the dots, and then help them reframe from a place of self-interest. Reposition their belief system about the purpose of feedback. Seen as a growth and effectiveness aide it's weaponized power is then neutralized. Refocused on the benefit they become immune, less sensitive and resistant. And this will be a lasting shift. Habit hacked.

Feedback não é a solução apropriada. Procure estabelecer um contexto onde se possa dialogar sobre maneiras de melhorar a perfomance no futuro imediato.

En mi experiencia a lo largo de 20 años haciendo consultoría, la inteligencia emocional es una de las competencias que más contribuye al éxito de un líder en alcanzar los objetivos, pero es la más difícil de adquirir, ya que requiere de un primer paso de "hacer insight" o darse cuenta de que no cuenta con la competencia y del impacto que esto tiene en sus resultados. Si logramos hacer que el líder salga de su espacio de confort y pueda verse en una perspectiva diferente, ya tendremos la primera semilla sembrada en el camino del crecimiento. Pero ¿Cómo hacemos para sacarlo de su zona de confort? Una de mis herramientas preferidas es el coaching, la otra es trabajo en equipo y por último, revisar el entorno y cómo lo está afectando.

In executive coaching, when a leader resists feedback, facilitating self-reflection and experimentation is key. Encourage leaders to introspect their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors to identify their EI strengths and areas needing improvement. Challenging them to try new ways of expressing and managing emotions helps in practical learning. Observing outcomes and soliciting feedback from others can provide valuable insights. It’s crucial to celebrate their progress and milestones to reinforce positive change. Providing continuous support and guidance helps in maintaining momentum and integrating EI into their leadership style. This approach not only enhances their EI but also positively impacts their leadership effectiveness.

Storytelling can be a powerful tool for doing this. It allows you to share your feedback in a way that feels less threatening to a leader and makes them more open to receiving it.

La confianza creada entre coach y lider es crucial para que el proceso eco en la práctica, distanciándoselo de un recetario de recomendaciones, la base es que ambos construyan y alimenten una relación de trabajo basada en la credibilidad por un lado que libere la transparencia del líder para exponer sus brechas.

Concordo que a qualidade do relacionamento cria vínculo e com base em experiências que gera dados e fatos desenvolve se a confiança do líder no coach. Há profissionais que fornecem coach sem ouvir líder e construir essa relação de confiança.

A disposição de um líder em receber feedback está intrinsecamente ligada à qualidade do relacionamento com o coach, que por sua vez depende da construção de confiança, credibilidade e da comunicação efetiva de expectativas e metas. Este processo não apenas aprimora a capacidade do líder de receber feedback construtivo, mas também fortalece a parceria entre líder e coach, resultando em benefícios duradouros para o desenvolvimento profissional e pessoal.

The great thing about Emotional Intelligence with all of the reach pointing to it as the difference maker for success in life and in work is it gives us the opportunity to get a leader, even without feedback or with reluctance to “hear” feedback, to get excited about the “what’s possibile” without the need to start from what’s not working. Growing ones emotional intelligence is good for everyone and for all aspects of their lives! We as coaches have huge opportunities to use the power of possibilities to support of our clients growth.

To assist a leader resistant to feedback in developing emotional intelligence you can employ empathy and active listening to understand their perspective. Gradually introduce feedback in a constructive and specific manner, highlighting the impact of emotional intelligence on leadership effectiveness. Utilize coaching techniques, such as storytelling or role-playing, to illustrate the benefits of enhanced emotional intelligence in real-world scenarios. By emphasizing the practical advantages and aligning the development process with their aspirations, you can inspire a more receptive attitude towards feedback and foster emotional intelligence growth.

En mi experiencia ser positivo y constructivo siempre sera un plus a la hora de dar feedback. Esto siempre y cuando se cuide que los comentarios sean realmemte honestos pues hay organizaciones donde la forma se convierte en un pretexto para evitar decir las cosas. Como lideres y coaches es importante garantizar la transparencia cpn la que hablamos con los ejecutivos y lo claros que seamos en lo que esta funcionando, en lo que no y en los caminos para disminuir cualquier brecha que pueda existir. Asi que, en mi opinion, ser positivos y constructivos asegurando la claridad y honestidad.

Tener comentarios positivos , no significan que sean comentarios aduladores y salameros; significa que puedas tener una visión de comprensión de cómo y por qué la gente actúa como actúa. Para eso debes estar preparados para entender el mecanismo de los pensamientos, emociones y sus reacciones que gestionan las conductas. Comprender no significa ser permisivos, significa identificar cada proceso de las personas y saber el grado de Madurez que tiene cada cual para cada tarea o misión. Si esa persona no está madura, quizás le falte tiempo o entrenamiento o no sea su lugar ideal para que exprese su talento. Para ser lider, tienes que saber estar un paso adelante en la visión del grupo.

Yes, as a coach we need to provide feedback in a way that helps build our clients up. We also need to help them learn how to handle feedback delivered by others, which may not always be delivered appropriately, even when the person providing it has good intentions.

I would start here. Appeal to the leader's values and goals or more so, seek a deeper understanding of such due to the nuanced differences in cultural understanding or misunderstanding. We can't make assumptions that all leaders are on the same page with regards to the understanding and practice of emotional intelligence and empathy.

In my experience, many leaders do not realise at first the impact they can have on their people, both positive and negative. I like to help them tap in their inner values (no one ever gets up in the morning thinking "whose life can I make miserable today") and how those values can be used to grow and nourish people. With that in mind, it becomes easier to "challenge" some of the leader's performance or effectiveness as they realise it is not about them, but about their role model "job" that comes with their position

Feedback is one of the supporting tools for growth. The key instrument for growth is self-awareness. As a life and leadership coach, I help my clients develop their self-awareness in various aspects of their personal and professional lives. In this instance, I would ask my client what do they believe they need to grow. Depending on where the conversation go from there, if there’s an opportunity to ask this, I would: If seeing feedback as one of the many tools in their toolbox for growth, how do they see themselves using this tool. Ultimately, it’s about helping the leader realize that feedback is not a weapon thats attack them. On the contrary, it is a tool to sharpen themselves and their effectiveness.

In addition to helping them see the value for themselves, we need to help them see the value for their staff and teams and how by modeling it they can create a positive and productive culture that improves service delivery and advances the company.

I once worked with a CEO, "Sarah", who prided herself on her company's growth and innovation but was less receptive to developing her team management skills. To bridge this gap, I first discussed with Sarah her long-term vision and values, understanding what drove her and her passion for her company's success. I then demonstrated how enhancing her team management skills could directly contribute to these goals. By framing the development of these skills as a pathway to achieve what she valued most, Sarah became more open to exploring this area. This approach led to a meaningful shift in Sarah's perspective, making her more receptive to feedback and eager to develop skills that initially seemed unrelated to her primary objectives.

Facilitating self-reflection involves posing insightful queries, prompting individuals to assess their thoughts and actions. Encourage them to consider personal goals and areas for growth. Use open-ended questions that stimulate introspection. Reinforce the benefits of self-awareness for professional development. Creating this reflective space in your interactions can enhance individuals' understanding of themselves and contribute to their ongoing growth.

Self reflection is an apt practice not just for a leader, it is for all of us who want to dig deeper into EI. As the more emotionally intelligent you are the more are you receptive to feedbacks. Here’s a small tip I suggest, ✨Scribble all that you feel and you are for 24 hrs, note down every single feeling you had, your reactions, your emotions. ✨Be a critic to yourself and ask thought provoking questions over the instances where you chose to react and not respond ✨Pen your reflections and start giving self feedbacks

Normalizing that self reflection and experimentation is not saved only for special times, but is meant to be a standard practice at any time it can benefit a situation helps is key. Growth mindset can come after a project is all done, but is far more powerful and leads to more successful outcomes when embedded at various intervals along the way. It also helps for motivation to be more consistent if a person can check in on their progress along the way, where they can celebrate successes or is given the choice to try something new if an initial attempt has fallen flat.

Change starts from within, this technique is often most effective in encouraging those who can only be persuaded by results to change. Good coaching question time!

I like this in general quite a lot. After some feedback talks in the past or heavy situations. Give feedback, share scenario of reflecting and than make it concrete and give the action to share in a next 1 to 1 and outcome a learning something new the person has identified, learned about her/himself. And ask pro actively how you can help and support.

The intersection of personal and organizational values with data-driven metrics is a cornerstone for transformative success. In my experience working with diverse leaders and organizations, I've observed a profound impact when individuals align their core values with their professional goals, especially when these are backed by data. Show, don't just tell. Data offers a clear, unbiased mirror reflecting our current standing versus our aspirations. It empowers us with the logical framework to assess and recalibrate our strategies. However, it's equally important to infuse this data-driven approach with empathy and mindfulness. Remember, behind every data point is a human story, an opportunity to foster inclusivity and mindful leadership.

This topic is combining two issues: 1. Resistance to feedback and 2. Developing EI. In coaching, it is important to 'right-size' the issue to form the focus of the coaching session. In this example, I would be inclined to explore the resistance to feedback first before moving on to explore how to develop EI.

Personalized tailored coaching is effective coaching. Not everyone responds to or receives feedback the same way, and it's important that any feedback loop is as tailored as the coaching itself. Through this lens, become curious about what creative resources, tools, or mechanics can break through the resistance. Perhaps this leader responds better to storytelling: lean in with real-life or close-to examples (to protect identifying information). Use non-threatening examples of where growth in EI has occurred, and the growth gained as a result. Tailor these stories/methods/etc to the desired outcome of this EI resistant leader.

You can use metaphors and examples from other people's behaviour and from the coach's experience to encourage self reflection without creating resistance that comes from direct feedback

Be yourself, be real. If you try to be someone, why should somebody be open to you. This might be a hard one, depending on the situation. But in the end its all about trust, if I don't trust you, why should I listen to your feedback, than I might be bias and don't listen to anything you say. But if I have trust in you, and my leaders in me. Than they / I listen differently.