How can you seek support during a conflict at work?

> approaching a neutral mediator or trusted colleague not involved who can provide an objective outside assessment of the dynamics at play and how each party might constructively move forward; an impartial view is imperative > asking mentors or experienced connections outside the organization how they have navigated similar dynamics > proactively suggesting bringing in a facilitator to foster open, solutions-focused dialogue if communications have broken down between parties directly > evaluating informal or formal complaint & grievance procedures tapping expertise through company resources, networks, or third-party specialists enabling with support & new strategies, interpersonal conflicts to become solvable

When you are in conflict, the first step is to pause for a moment or many moments. If this is the first occurance of conflict with the person(s), think of this as a conversation, even though it will feel difficult. Avoid assumptions. Of course, that is easier to write than do. Do your best to put those assumptions aside. Then, seek to learn without a focus on blame. As the article suggests, it is also important to know your options. If this conflict is ongoing for a period of time, it is helpful to seek advice and guidance from others. It could be a manager, a colleague, or someone outside of the organization. Each can provide a new perspective and views that you may not have not initially considered.

I disagree, if only to add a step right before this one: Take a deep breath. No really. Find a (relatively) quiet place and take stock of your emotions. Recognize that you feel angry, sad, frustrated, etc. I’ve found this immensely helpful in deciding what to do next, instead of jumping straight into a solution or another social interaction and realizing mid-way that my emotions are overwhelming my sense of reason.

The article advises to "choose wisely." That conveys a great deal of pressure, doesn't it? Instead, I advise to choose intentionally. Consider perception. If your conflict is with another person on the team, then how will it be interpreted if you go to your manager? Both the manager and the team member may view it as a complaint instead of you seeking advice. If you are seeking counsel and not intervention, then consider choosing a trusted colleage, a mentor, or a friend outside of the department/company. Their perspectives may help you see a different or broader view. Then it is up to you to choose what would work best for you and the other person.

It is very important to remain respectful. If we can remain curious and engaged in solving resolutions we tend to be significantly smarter (10 to 15 IQ points) which is very beneficial in resolving issues but also helps us remain in control and respectful. It is helpful to stay mindful and practice these skills as they can be difficult to do when emotions or the subject may be sensitive to parties.

Follow-up is key whenever you have asked for advice from anyone. You never want the person to have to ask you, "I never heard back from you. What happened?" The most memorable thank yous include mentioning how the advisor's time had a positive impact on the situation. Here is the most recent voice note I received from someone who I advised: "Thank you for your time. You helped me to see other perspectives. That guided me to replace my assumptions with questions during my next conversation with the person. It went very well." That note conveys appreciation AND is appreciated.