A number of years ago, I had the joy of coaching in two sports from U8 to U12. One was non-competitive up to and including U12, but unwisely the second one was competitive at U12 level.
When the second one became competitive, I never kept the score of the game, as my main priority, was to try and get the young people I was working with, to stop being hard on themselves and help them to understand the imperative of always associating, how they felt about themselves, with the effort they put in and that their best effort would look different each day, and that winning or things working out in life, is always a bonus.
At the end of the match, I always knew the result of the game, by the actions of the majority of the parents/guardians there. On days when we won, they would immediately start making their way over to the team, to be part of the win.
However, on days we did not win, they would stay rooted to the spot where they were standing, as if not wanting to be associated with the loss. When we walked over to them, you would hear some blaming the referee or the other team, in an attempt to even further distance themselves from the loss.
So why were the adults, not able to be there for their children, when they needed them most, when they were dealing with loss, rejection and disappointment. Probably because when they were young themselves, they learnt to feel good about themselves, when things worked out or when they won on the pitch or in life and they learnt to feel bad about themselves and hard on themselves and on those around them, when things did not work out, this is called shame.
Shame is not something we are born with, but it is internalised from the actions of others or from a system. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed, not good enough. Empathy is the antidote to shame.
If we want to stop the pain of shame being transferred from one generation to the next, then we as adults need to be able to sit with young people in pain and remind them to always associate, how they feel about themselves with the effort they put in and that things working out in life, is always only ever a bonus.
We need to teach them the imperative of not looking for someone to blame, when things go wrong or don't work out as they hoped and the imperative of being happy for others when it's not their turn. By doing this, we help young people to develop the most critical skill in life, that of self-compassion.
What complicates this for so many is that they are neurodiverse, and they are more susceptible to shame because of a lack of self-awareness, around challenges like rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation and neurodiversity maturity lag challenges. Also, the situation can be further complicated for those unlucky enough to be dealing with childhood trauma.
Our resilience in life, is deeply rooted in our ability to be kind and gentle to ourselves! 🙂
So much is being said and will be said about the result and performances of the England men’s football team. Everybody has an opinion and a perspective and social media allows those thoughts and comments to be put down and shared with the world.
Personally, I’m proud of the team and staff for what they’ve achieved across the course of a number of tournaments, both on and off the field.
Ultimately, the only judgement that counts is their own. So many factors come into play in the building of a team and the consistency of performance across qualification and tournament games.
I’m reminded of this often used quote from Theodore Roosevelt…
May we all be brave enough to dare greatly.
Chartered Accountant | British Telecom | Toastmaster
5moGlad to have been a part of this team and privileged to have you as leader CA Jithu Koshy :)