10 Simple, Science-based Ways to Boost Everyone's Confidence

(Things You’ll Wish Someone Shared a Lot Sooner!)

It takes an average of 60 years for humans to reach their confident best. Yikes. 60 years! It takes us that long to finally figure out what we value, want and need – and not care about what other people think about us!

Perhaps more shocking, it has taken thousands of years for mankind to accept that being mindful, having humility, and knowing one’s purpose is a way to strengthen cognitive function. We needed breakthrough brain science technology, such as functional MRIs, to prove how it all works in our brains.

There is now indisputable data that confidence is something we learn and choose. Therefore, I present you with 10 easy ways that will change how you think, act and react so you can be more confident – and bring out the best in others, too!

1.        Assume Objectivity: Most of what people say is not directed or even related to us. We are all typically thoughtless and, according to some experts, over 70% of our conversations are ‘net neutral’ – meaning, things are said without much thought to the other person. While we can all make a better effort to ‘mind our words’, we also need to pay less heed to those of others. They may not even realize what or how they are saying things –more often than not, they have no intention of emotionally harming you. They are reckless and [MM1] you become collateral damage as a result of them protecting their own egos. Never ignore their words but try to be more of a detective than a victim.

You can tell a lot of what’s really in someone’s head by not assuming they are focused on you.

 2.         Fail Fearlessly: Failing is part of learning. Period. Full stop. It is rare and almost impossible to succeed at anything without some amount of failure first. There are thousands of examples of famously successful people who have shared their stories about being repeatedly rejected, having performance disasters, and making necessary pivots before they finally succeeded. And even after that, replicating their success may have been hard – if not harder. If you consider life as a laboratory, we are constantly trying to improve formulas, calculating in new variables, and compensating for uncontrollable changes. [MM2] 

Look at failure as the required process of elimination that clears your current path to success.

 3.         Ask Selflessly: Greet someone with a more meaningful question than the perfunctory question, “How are you?” This standard greeting routinely gets you off the hook to exchange anything of real value. “How are you?” and its typical response, “I’m fine.” don’t require thinking and only confirm that you are both breathing. You can immediately boost your own and the other person’s confidence by asking something specific about them. Try recalling something from a past conversation or at least something like, “What have you been doing since we last connected?” Don’t just fish for ‘fine’ – seek a way to make that person know they matter to you but don’t expect them to always reciprocate.

Just know your sincere ask makes an indelible difference in others’ behavior and memory.

4.      Listen Actively: After asking a specific question and throughout a conversation, try to really listen to the other person. DO NOT wander off mentally by planning your next comment. Try to catch yourself talking within your own head and refocus on the other person. You miss important information from them that could enable a more productive conversation. You also are clearly conveying through nonverbal communication, that you don’t really care what they are saying. And, if that isn’t motivation on its own, know that when you listen to other people better, they tend to listen to you better as a mirrored behavior.

Confident people notoriously listen more than they speak.

 5.      Speak Mindfully: If you are doing #3 & 4, you’re already instilling some confidence in other people by letting them know you are paying attention to them.. Additionally, those two practices allow you pay more attention to your own communication because they give you appropriate time to process your thoughts and words. Allowing your brain to have full cycle time helps remove ums, likes, you knows, and other waste words. Waste words reduce your verbal clarity and conciseness but more troublesome, they reduce other people’s perception of your confidence. Essentially, when you have waste words littering your communication, you convey a lack of mental organization and literal confidence in what you want to say. Waste words can be eliminated. Contact me for a great exercise – or shall we say exorcise!

Slow down your brain to reduce waste words by asking & listening to other people more mindfully.

 6.      Connect Visually: Often more powerful than words, your eyes, face, and body communicate genuine confidence. Anyone’s level of engagement is visible – and it is easy to tell when someone is trying to fake it. Learn how to make comfortable eye contact and smile genuinely. You can even create some serotonin exchange (the ‘love’ neurotransmitter) by simply touching the person if it is appropriate (read again: if appropriate like a handshake or gentle shoulder pat. I’m a hugger but not everyone is!). Social media can enable connection, but a lot gets lost in translation and distraction. Video can help show confidence, especially when both parties are seeing one another!

Whatever your channel to communicate, try to connect beyond just words, even if it is one way.

7.         Posture Purposefully: Nagging moms (me included) have the innate sense that posture matters. Mom innately knew that good posture is important. It supports mental and physical well-being AND lets other people know you are confident. According to TED talk legend, Amy Cuddy (Power Pose et al), good posture may even pump your brain with neurotransmitters that enable confidence (endorphins), while suppressing neuro-stressors (cortisol). Whether it is true or not, why wouldn’t you stand and sit up straight?

Thank your mom and throw those shoulders back to take control of your body, brain, and behavior!

8.      Judge Compassionately: The definition of compassion isn’t just about feeling sympathy for others but also recognizing that we are all part of the same human race – you, included. It also means if other people can do something, with enough will and time, most likely you can do it, too. It also means that as humans, we recognize that we are fallible, imperfect, unpredictable, and ever-evolving. While we should give other people some leeway when they fail or don’t meet our standards, we also need to do that more often for ourselves. Perfectionism can be motivating but also blinding and callous. It can shadow small wins and important lessons that otherwise would help make us feel more satisfied with ourselves. More importantly, when we embrace failure, we can recalibrate our expectations, so we are realistic without reducing our drive. Greatness doesn’t always mean being extraordinary. It often equates to being determined and persisting towards a desired outcome. 

Being compassionate allows you to appreciate the human journey and support others on theirs.

 9.      Acknowledge Visibly: It costs nothing to compliment someone. It doesn’t have to be a big accomplishment or with multiple people present. Make someone’s day every day simply by saying that you like their hairstyle, the way they contributed in a meeting, or how they had a positive attitude. Tell them you notice and appreciate them. Doing this also reminds your brain that you have a superpower: the ability to give confidence. 

Giving confidence is the best way to strengthen it in yourself.

 10.  Give Unconditionally: Whether you believe what goes around, comes around or if you have deeper religious/spiritual motivation, expecting others to do unto you isn’t fair. What we value, want, and need differs from person to person so don’t assume someone else knows what you value, want, and need – and you won’t be as disappointed when they don’t fulfill or respect those things. However, that doesn’t get YOU off the hook to give OTHERS the attention they also crave. Use your confidence superpower to give confidence. It doesn’t always seem to yield immediate results, but I promise you, in fact I am completely CONFIDENT, that you get back what you give.

Give others confidence and the universe inevitably and generously gives confidence back to you.

Clearly some basic rules in these 10 nuggets:

·        Let others know they matter so you matter more to them as a result.

·        Realize your own behavior matters to everyone that matters – especially to you!

·        You can choose to be confident – plus, you can help others choose to be confident, too.

Please let us know if what you found here was helpful or if there are things we should add to the list!

Thank you for being a fellow Confidence Crusader.

Contact us about this article, our keynotes, workshops, online classes, and assessments: info@americanconfidenceinstitute.com