13 Lessons I learnt from a Year of Searching Inside Myself: Reset not Avoid

As adults, we have learnt to deal with negative feedback and emotions on a regular basis. Children cry and yell exactly what they want, need or are angry about. We adults have learnt to hide our emotions in social situations, many times for political correctness and most of the time, out of fear. The fear that should we let our hearts be seen or our emotions be heard, someone would misunderstand or hurt us instead. In many ways, shielding our hearts has served us well. However, in certain ways it keeps us from building deeper and stronger relationships. Let me give you an example of how that arises.

Example A - Avoiding the Matter

Mary and Catherine had a disagreement two weeks ago. Catherine was having a bad day and spoke sharply to Mary over a report. Catherine actually regretted that, but in keeping with Asian or perhaps human tendencies to "don't talk about it, let is slide, time will heal all wounds", Catherine never really brings it up and actually avoids Mary for a period. Mary, on the other hand, always liked Catherine and suddenly was shocked by that outburst and then avoids Catherine because she is afraid of another one. She cannot read Catherine's intentions and views Catherine avoiding her at the office as another sign of bad blood. Mary cannot figure it out. She just avoids.

As days go by, Mary and Catherine will start talking to each other again, with neither acknowledging the incident. However, the damage is done. Any previous depth of relationship is reduced.

Example A - Resenting the Matter

Mary and Catherine had a disagreement 2 weeks ago. Catherine was having a bad day and spoke sharply to Mary over a report. Catherine actually regretted that. She recently took a class on Mindfulness and realizes that she wants to recover the situation. Rather than rush to apologize and perhaps even defend her actions and make Mary feel confused, Catherine instead spends sometime looking inward to where the pain is arising from. She realizes with her aging mother and caring for her young child, that she hasn't slept enough and has been continually irritable. She takes this as a sign that she needs to care for herself more rather than ruin working relationships. She decides to do a "reset" on her life and update her colleagues (the ones she needs to) on the current situation as well update herself on the amount of work she can and cannot do.

The next day, she asks Mary for some time. She explains reset to Mary. "Mary, I want to apologize for yesterday's sharp comments and ask for reset? A reset means we go back to way things were before that comment? You and I have always worked well together. I have been in a challenging personal situation and was just too tired. I took it out on you. I apologize again. Can we have a reset?"

Basically, Catherine's conversation can be broken down to the following: 1) A simple apology for a specific incident or incidents in the recent past (not too defensive or too revealing); 2) Explaining the concept of a reset; 3) Thanking or appreciating the relationship at a honest level (not flowerly or artificially); 4) Explaining briefly her own challenges; and 5) Apologizing and specifically asking for a reset.

The Case for A Reset

In companies where people have worked for many years together, misunderstandings are bound to arise. While most people forgive and forget, the recovery period can be long. With a reset, there is a communication and an apology and a rationale for the incident. Too often we forget that our fellow human beings can be compassionate and kind, if they only knew what was going on. We hide personal matters as it is hard for us to speak about them, and they are raw. Don't speak about them in detail but just explain that you are stressed by them. If you don't, then the incident would seem to be one of spite rather than of pain and challenge.

Reset should be a term every team learns to do, not just conceptually but emotionally. Reset means you can see the anger, hurt and disappointment but we don't have to linger and hang there like a broken computer system. Rather we choose as a pair, a team, a company, a family to start afresh. Not shut down, but reset to the new conditions and start with a new screen.

Avoidance serves one where one cannot handle the emotional discussion. It serves only for the period of intense pain and grief and coping. To be a mature leader and person, learn to use reset not just avoid challenging work and life relationships.

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