2 years as an Expat

A couple of weeks ago I was challenged by Kadi Poll to start contributing more on my Linkedin, and ever since I've been beating my head against the wall on how to actually provide value to people, writing something useful that goes beyond the standar post on a career milestone. I could of course go through the basis and write some pieces on strategy, but I always came back to the same point: a person is far more than their careers or an specific theme they've specialized.

That's when discussing with Fadzai Hundu during our Country Manager's summit about her amazing post, she asked me? Fitti, how do you really feel about being an expat? That's what I'd really like to know. And ever since I've been trying to structure what has been on the agenda of my therapy sessions even before I've actually moved here.

Most people tend to focus on the bright angles of living abroad: the cultural immersion on a completely different place and society, getting to know people from dozens of countries, being able to explore the world and travel more than I ever had the opportunity to, or even starting from a scratch and letting go.

But I believe lots have already been said on that, so let's rather focus on the other angles, the complex nuances that surround the life of an expat, and how challenging, consuming and overwhelming this whole experience can be at the same time.

1. Roots

It's funny how we don't think too much about our own roots, until we're thousands of miles away from them. These are the bonds and relationships we've build across life, including family, friends, co-workers and routines that can date all the way back to decades. When you have roots, it's far easier to risk and throw yourself in the unknown as worst case scenario you always have a solid enough foundation or a home to get back to. If you burn out and lose your job, depending on where you came from, you can always get back to your family couch, take a breath for a couple of weeks - or perhaps months - and plan your next steps.

When any major downside happens, from any field in your life, as for example a breakup, or loneliness, you might just call a cab, go to your parent's or best friend place, and feel secure that whatever happens they'll be there for you.

But, when you've moved to the other side of the world, this life you've built for so many years will only be seen, heard and felt across the dark screen of your phone. Your best friendships might be amazing, but it's unfair to compare a 1-2 year relationship that is still in an early maturity stage, to that foundation of 7+ years you've had since college with people you've grown together, went through thick and thin and still chose every year to remain friends. As above all any relationship is a matter of a daily choice to stay, invest, and nurture.

And when you feel that you might have found you person/your group, you'll realize that most of this people are also expats, connected through the hardship of a similar context and as most expats, their situation is at best temporary. Today, they might be a 5-min drive from you, but a better job opportunity appears, homesickness hits or whatever you can imagine, and they move. That's precisely on this moment when you're starting to feel new roots growing, and lose a beautiful sprout, that loneliness hits harder.

2. Cultural differences

I've discussed this topic quite a few times with my therapist and every once of them we better corroborate that the theory that the opposite do attract its by far off. At first, we're all intrigued by what's new, and curious to assess it closer. We all end up falling in love by different foods, people, and culture and devour it savoring every bite. But as time goes by, we end up going back to what it's known and where we feel secure and comfortably adjust: where we feel that we can easily belong.

This is why most Brazilians when moving abroad, tend to in their first weeks track down all brazillian groups available in the city and reach them out. We know that despite the differences we might have, which might make us not being friends for instance, there is still a huge common ground and background we share that makes our relationship start many steps ahead. Worst case scenario, they'll end up missing just like me our weather, our people, our homemade food and spices and our carnival.

This doesn't mean of course that you'll move to a new country and surround yourself only by your own people, but rather that building your support network you'll need to balance these dosages of the excitement of the unknown with the warmness of home.

3. Going back home

Doens't matter how long you've been living in any country, one of the first questions that will come to you as a follow-up on someone figuring our you're foreigner is "Oh when you're planning on going back home?". Here you can apprehend two major interpretation - 1) When you're planning on visiting your family and/or 2) Are you planning on moving back home|?

The first one is quite tricky depending on how far you're from home. Living over 30h by flight, away from my hometown, and with an average of 7hours time zone difference, with a ticket that prices around a thousand euros, a trip back home has to be planned many months in advance, and it's gonna be quite costly - if you have a good enough salary to cover this high expense (which is not the common case for most expats). To add on top of that, if you've moved and brought your pets through and expensive and extensive process you'll have to add at least 20 euros per day with petsitter for every day you're away, and of course the guilty of leaving them alone for a large period of time.

So, yeah , I'd love to be able to come back home on my sisters birthday, and for Christmas, but unfortunately I'm not there yet. And to add a little bit of depth to this situation, one slice of guilty that every expat shares is that whatever happens to your parents, or any loving ones, you're not gonna be there to help. Even if you buy a last-minute overpriced ticket, you're still gonna be there only 30h after, and that might be too late.

On the matter of coming back home, a whole new discussion arises. Where is in fact home? Hometown is a given, but where precisely am I'm actually gonna feel safely at home? The easy answer is always gonna be the place where you came from, as history and roots weights a lot. But, every day, month and year you're living away from this city, it feels less and less like home, and more like a place we used to call home.

We end up being lost in the middle (or translation if you're a swifter) and that's challenging. But to end up this first chapter on a brighter light, as we cannot let ourselves be defeated by the coldness of northern european winter, this also opens up a whole new world of possibilities: home doesn't have to be the place where you were born and family doesn't have to be only the people you've grown up with. And this gives enough hope to chose daily to stay and figure out what's next on my life. Being born and raised in the same city, in the same neighbourhood, with my whole family not leaving the country, I'd never imagine I'd be living in Estonia.

But the thrill of being completely unaware of where I might be next is why I don't regret at all choosing to be an expat :)